Kristen

It was the constant fear of mastitis. But any little thing that happened to him, my brain immediately went to, oh my gosh, he's going to die. That's so fatiguing for your brain to just never have a moment of rest. It's constant fight or flight and never knowing who to go to. And I was afraid that people would think that I was freaking out. I have to get past that. I can't hold on to that.

And I'm trying. It's sitting in that grief. And I don't know how long that will take. I couldn't really talk to somebody. I couldn't really relate. And I was no longer able to go out and be in community with people. I withdrew from society. It didn't feel safe for me to leave my house. I'd go out to go run errands as needed, but I didn't want to interact with people. I was in my own bubble.

And I'm trying. It's sitting in that grief. And I don't know how long that will take. I couldn't really talk to somebody. I couldn't really relate. And I was no longer able to go out and be in community with people. I withdrew from society. It didn't feel safe for me to leave my house. I'd go out to go run errands as needed, but I didn't want to interact with people. I was in my own bubble.

And I'm trying. It's sitting in that grief. And I don't know how long that will take. I couldn't really talk to somebody. I couldn't really relate. And I was no longer able to go out and be in community with people. I withdrew from society. It didn't feel safe for me to leave my house. I'd go out to go run errands as needed, but I didn't want to interact with people. I was in my own bubble.

I was hurting so badly. I guess I didn't trust anybody. And I didn't want to open up and just lay my heart out to somebody who wouldn't understand. It's almost like it would just re-hurt it. I suddenly found myself in my house with a guy that I had married a year before and he had dated not that much longer before that. So he was kind of new to me too.

I was hurting so badly. I guess I didn't trust anybody. And I didn't want to open up and just lay my heart out to somebody who wouldn't understand. It's almost like it would just re-hurt it. I suddenly found myself in my house with a guy that I had married a year before and he had dated not that much longer before that. So he was kind of new to me too.

I was hurting so badly. I guess I didn't trust anybody. And I didn't want to open up and just lay my heart out to somebody who wouldn't understand. It's almost like it would just re-hurt it. I suddenly found myself in my house with a guy that I had married a year before and he had dated not that much longer before that. So he was kind of new to me too.

We're learning this marriage thing and we're learning ourselves. I was a fish out of water, I realized. I've never been so lonely in my life. It felt like there was nobody there.

We're learning this marriage thing and we're learning ourselves. I was a fish out of water, I realized. I've never been so lonely in my life. It felt like there was nobody there.

We're learning this marriage thing and we're learning ourselves. I was a fish out of water, I realized. I've never been so lonely in my life. It felt like there was nobody there.

I felt like if I went back to my coworkers at the hospital and told them what happened, I feel like I would have had guilt from that, too, because they would have sat there and wagged their finger and said, well, we told you, you should have known better. No one ever did that. But I heard the comments made behind mom's backs when I had worked there.

I felt like if I went back to my coworkers at the hospital and told them what happened, I feel like I would have had guilt from that, too, because they would have sat there and wagged their finger and said, well, we told you, you should have known better. No one ever did that. But I heard the comments made behind mom's backs when I had worked there.

I felt like if I went back to my coworkers at the hospital and told them what happened, I feel like I would have had guilt from that, too, because they would have sat there and wagged their finger and said, well, we told you, you should have known better. No one ever did that. But I heard the comments made behind mom's backs when I had worked there.

And so I anticipated that that's probably what would have been said. So I didn't feel like I could go to anybody. It affected my relationship with my kid, obviously. It affected my relationship with me. I learned kind of to not like myself. It affected my relationship with my husband.

And so I anticipated that that's probably what would have been said. So I didn't feel like I could go to anybody. It affected my relationship with my kid, obviously. It affected my relationship with me. I learned kind of to not like myself. It affected my relationship with my husband.

And so I anticipated that that's probably what would have been said. So I didn't feel like I could go to anybody. It affected my relationship with my kid, obviously. It affected my relationship with me. I learned kind of to not like myself. It affected my relationship with my husband.

He wanted to support me because he knew that was my dream to have the baby there and that I had given so much of myself. He didn't want to disappoint me. He thought that he would have dashed my dreams. He is upset with himself that he didn't advocate for me. He said he's never been so afraid in his life. His face is burned in my mind. The fear in his eyes.

He wanted to support me because he knew that was my dream to have the baby there and that I had given so much of myself. He didn't want to disappoint me. He thought that he would have dashed my dreams. He is upset with himself that he didn't advocate for me. He said he's never been so afraid in his life. His face is burned in my mind. The fear in his eyes.

He wanted to support me because he knew that was my dream to have the baby there and that I had given so much of myself. He didn't want to disappoint me. He thought that he would have dashed my dreams. He is upset with himself that he didn't advocate for me. He said he's never been so afraid in his life. His face is burned in my mind. The fear in his eyes.

He was so helpless and no one's guiding him. No one's telling him what's going on. He has no idea. I had no idea. But I know that he carries a lot of hurt and a lot of shame and guilt. I mean, none of it's deserved. My husband was also a victim. And I know that I was the one that everyone was scared about and my baby was the one that everyone was scared about in that moment.