Kurtis Conner

Unfortunately, we don't have a blender, the server replied, but we do have grits, tomato soup, and our in-house vegetarian sausage gravy.

Catherine selected the grits because she was assured they could fit through a straw.

Yo.

The food-arriving Catherine took her blue and silver manicured hands and pressed the straw inside her right nostril to suck up her iced coffee.

Catherine, what the fuck are you doing?

Justin asked.

At this point in time, I don't know what's in the cards for me and Catherine, but if I can't stomach watching how Catherine eats her food, I can't promise a bright future for us.

Yeah, that's true.

That's a good point, man.

Like, you go to, you know, you have your wedding, and what, you have to have a blended cake for your wife, you know?

If you have a piece of cake, you have a regular cake, and then your wife just has to go...

like, that's crazy, and, like, if Catherine gets sick, and she's, like, or has allergies, and she starts, like, sneezing a bunch, well, you don't know what's gonna happen, man, you know what's been up there, she sneezes, and, like, a fucking foot-long sub comes out of her nose, like, you don't know, sorry, I just got, sneezed a burger last night, sorry for sneezing a burger on your lap, hope you still love me, um,

Justin's chagrin prompted Catherine to visit Dr. Matthew Hayden, a primary care physician who warned her about the dangers of nasal nutrition.

Okay.

Food, even if it's pureed, can become lodged in the throat or windpipe, blocking airflow and causing choking.

No, I mean, that's got to be the shittiest way to go.

Items that are especially acidic or spicy can trigger severe burning, inflammation, and bleeding.

Hayden worried about liquid in her lungs and infections that could spread to her essential... Yeah, true.

True.

Man.