Leah Ruppanner

I want to say to you, and I'm also going to say to you, I'm sure you have that feeling not only because you're feeling it, but also because you have direct experience living it.

Because I heard this from the mothers too, like,

I can let myself down.

I can let my partner down, but I can't let my children down, right?

Like if I drop this and I can't have them suffer as a result of this.

You have to get clear on when you're doing these things that really are critical to your children and your family, critical to your goals and your dreams and your ambition.

And when you're doing things because you've been socialized into doing them.

When you're doing things and you're holding the expectation up, but really actually if you dropped some of it down, it would be okay.

You also have to get clear on what are your skills and your deficits at home, right?

Because you're not going to be good at everything.

And getting clear on what's your partner's and your children's skills and deficits and how do you bring them into that.

There may be whole mental load categories or whole tasks where you and someone else in your life are doing them.

The mental load is interesting because it's unlike, say, housework.

Very rarely do we go in and redo the work that someone else has done.

But the mental load, you could actually be duplicating and not even know it, right?

This is in part why I want people to do the mental load audit and start having conversations with your partners or kids in the household.

grandparents, anyone else who is providing care for you.

Because you might actually see, because it's internal, right?

That you're both thinking about and keeping track of and remembering and strategizing and decision-making for the same stuff.

We heard this a lot about mental loads to safety that, you know, parents, both parents are thinking about, you know, whether the door is locked at night.