Lewis Black

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It's been three weeks since Pope Francis went to that great Sunday Mass in the sky, and we're all still thinking, why Pope Francis, God? Why not every other world leader? But now the Vatican has to elect a new pope. And you know what that means, conclave!

It's been three weeks since Pope Francis went to that great Sunday Mass in the sky, and we're all still thinking, why Pope Francis, God? Why not every other world leader? But now the Vatican has to elect a new pope. And you know what that means, conclave!

And red smoke means an altar boy fell in the incinerator. Oopsie! Should have kept his mouth shut. Why, of all these endless rounds of boating, just keep it simple. Let a gorilla loose in the Vatican, and whoever survives is the winner. And if it's the gorilla, so be it. All hail Pope Coco. Now, I'd love to tell you more about the conclave, but it's a lot like masturbating.

And red smoke means an altar boy fell in the incinerator. Oopsie! Should have kept his mouth shut. Why, of all these endless rounds of boating, just keep it simple. Let a gorilla loose in the Vatican, and whoever survives is the winner. And if it's the gorilla, so be it. All hail Pope Coco. Now, I'd love to tell you more about the conclave, but it's a lot like masturbating.

You don't talk about it.

You don't talk about it.

I'm pretty sure when Cardinal's involved, the kids call it something other than raw-dogging. Plus, without their phones, how will these guys follow the Diddy trial? They're huge fans of his work. Oh, stop. You might be wondering why all this secrecy is needed. Here's the secret, because it's boring. A hundred old guys sitting around talking about which old guy will lead all the other old guys.

I'm pretty sure when Cardinal's involved, the kids call it something other than raw-dogging. Plus, without their phones, how will these guys follow the Diddy trial? They're huge fans of his work. Oh, stop. You might be wondering why all this secrecy is needed. Here's the secret, because it's boring. A hundred old guys sitting around talking about which old guy will lead all the other old guys.

Kill me now! But with all the secrecy, many people don't know what to expect at a Conclave. Don't worry, though, the Cardinals don't either.

Kill me now! But with all the secrecy, many people don't know what to expect at a Conclave. Don't worry, though, the Cardinals don't either.

That's funny. Ha ha, isn't incompetency hilarious? Turns out the only qualification you need to vote for the most powerful religious leader in the world is a Peacock account. Look, if you need to watch a movie to learn about a job you already have, you shouldn't have that job in the first place. If I hire a prostitute, I'm not gonna wait two hours while she watches a Nora.

That's funny. Ha ha, isn't incompetency hilarious? Turns out the only qualification you need to vote for the most powerful religious leader in the world is a Peacock account. Look, if you need to watch a movie to learn about a job you already have, you shouldn't have that job in the first place. If I hire a prostitute, I'm not gonna wait two hours while she watches a Nora.

But it's not just incompetent cardinals traveling to Rome for the conclave. It's also incompetent tourists.

But it's not just incompetent cardinals traveling to Rome for the conclave. It's also incompetent tourists.

Wow, his own ice cream. That's the kind of honor they only give to Mickey Mouse. Let's hope I don't spill any of it on my the Pope died and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. But if you don't want a shitty Pope keychain, don't worry, because there are other ways to flush your money down his holy toilet.