Lewis Black

Wow, his own ice cream. That's the kind of honor they only give to Mickey Mouse. Let's hope I don't spill any of it on my the Pope died and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. But if you don't want a shitty Pope keychain, don't worry, because there are other ways to flush your money down his holy toilet.

Well, let me get this straight. You want me to bet money on the first Asian pope, and you won't even let me parlay it with the Knicks? That's disgusting. Shame on you. I know I'm picking the Knicks, but tell me more about this Louis Tagle guy.

Well, let me get this straight. You want me to bet money on the first Asian pope, and you won't even let me parlay it with the Knicks? That's disgusting. Shame on you. I know I'm picking the Knicks, but tell me more about this Louis Tagle guy.

I don't... I don't know if this guy will be the first pope from Asia, but he makes my ears beg for youth in Asia. This is what my career has come to. Assisted suicide puns. But here's a question. Why is the frontrunner for pope singing a song about imagining there's no religion? I mean, without religion, you're just a guy going to work in a nightgown.

I don't... I don't know if this guy will be the first pope from Asia, but he makes my ears beg for youth in Asia. This is what my career has come to. Assisted suicide puns. But here's a question. Why is the frontrunner for pope singing a song about imagining there's no religion? I mean, without religion, you're just a guy going to work in a nightgown.

look if this conclave wants to make history there's another group they've been overlooking a jewish pope huh i've already got my pope yarmulke all i gotta do now is glue my foreskin back on and i'll fit right in luckily i keep it in my wallet desi

look if this conclave wants to make history there's another group they've been overlooking a jewish pope huh i've already got my pope yarmulke all i gotta do now is glue my foreskin back on and i'll fit right in luckily i keep it in my wallet desi

You can always tell it's Earth Day when the CO2 emissions from the world's smokestacks start paling in comparison to celebrity emissions telling us we can save the Earth if we start acting a little more like them. Just ask Matt Damon, who contributed this tip to Oprah Winfrey's Earth Day special. I've got a great one for you. If your house is anything like mine... Stop. It's not.

You can always tell it's Earth Day when the CO2 emissions from the world's smokestacks start paling in comparison to celebrity emissions telling us we can save the Earth if we start acting a little more like them. Just ask Matt Damon, who contributed this tip to Oprah Winfrey's Earth Day special. I've got a great one for you. If your house is anything like mine... Stop. It's not.

It's a lot smaller, and it doesn't have an Affleck-shaped dent in the couch. Oprah herself showed off her Earth Day spirit by wearing a sweater she accidentally washed with her money and giving away Earth-friendly products to her audience. We're going to bring out the bulbs so you can have a look. And you get a smart spot. Ooh, a light bulb giveaway, huh?

It's a lot smaller, and it doesn't have an Affleck-shaped dent in the couch. Oprah herself showed off her Earth Day spirit by wearing a sweater she accidentally washed with her money and giving away Earth-friendly products to her audience. We're going to bring out the bulbs so you can have a look. And you get a smart spot. Ooh, a light bulb giveaway, huh?

You really think that'll undo the environmental damage caused by this?

You really think that'll undo the environmental damage caused by this?

Get the car! Get the car! Everybody get the car! Over on ABC, 2020 both documented and lived out mankind's excess by flying reporters to file live reports from six of the seven continents.

Get the car! Get the car! Everybody get the car! Over on ABC, 2020 both documented and lived out mankind's excess by flying reporters to file live reports from six of the seven continents.

Then for God's sakes, stop talking! Your inane blather is raping the earth! Host Diane Sawyer talked to a scientist from Antarctica and found out it's cold there.

Then for God's sakes, stop talking! Your inane blather is raping the earth! Host Diane Sawyer talked to a scientist from Antarctica and found out it's cold there.

I'll tell you right now, if I go through the trouble of placing a satellite call just to hear Diane Sawyer's voice, she better not thin my pole. Still, my favorite Earth Day special had to be this. Pimp My Ride, a show devoted to creating the least efficient vehicles in human history, has the nerve to throw its own Earth Day celebration on Sunday.

I'll tell you right now, if I go through the trouble of placing a satellite call just to hear Diane Sawyer's voice, she better not thin my pole. Still, my favorite Earth Day special had to be this. Pimp My Ride, a show devoted to creating the least efficient vehicles in human history, has the nerve to throw its own Earth Day celebration on Sunday.

B. Ash! It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance. Any other final thoughts?