Lewis Black

Damp January? Are you shitting me? Damp January sounds like someone I paid for a lap dance in the 80s. Just say drinking less. Not everything needs a label. I'm in a short-term situationship. No, you got a handjob from a coat check girl. Now move on with your life.

Damp January? Are you shitting me? Damp January sounds like someone I paid for a lap dance in the 80s. Just say drinking less. Not everything needs a label. I'm in a short-term situationship. No, you got a handjob from a coat check girl. Now move on with your life.

Quitting booze may seem like a good idea today, but once TikTok goes away, you're going to be getting hammered at Dave and Buster's with me and Pete Hegseth. Fair warning, I tend to shit my pants on Dance Dance Revolution. Now, I get it. Some of you don't like fun. But if you're out with your dipshit friends and you can't drink booze, surely there must be something you can drink.

Quitting booze may seem like a good idea today, but once TikTok goes away, you're going to be getting hammered at Dave and Buster's with me and Pete Hegseth. Fair warning, I tend to shit my pants on Dance Dance Revolution. Now, I get it. Some of you don't like fun. But if you're out with your dipshit friends and you can't drink booze, surely there must be something you can drink.

You could. Wowee! An alcohol-free drink that you can add alcohol to. If only Thomas Edison were alive to see this. Look, if I ever order an elderberry hibiscus fizz, be sure to garnish it with a loaded gun. These drinks sound almost as fun as getting an enema, which, by the way, you can also add alcohol to. It's called boofing. Google it!

You could. Wowee! An alcohol-free drink that you can add alcohol to. If only Thomas Edison were alive to see this. Look, if I ever order an elderberry hibiscus fizz, be sure to garnish it with a loaded gun. These drinks sound almost as fun as getting an enema, which, by the way, you can also add alcohol to. It's called boofing. Google it!

But listen, if the eighth best Spider-Man can cash in on the mocktail boom, so can I. Introducing Louis Black's dry January vodka. It's just regular vodka and you can sit in the corner and watch me drink it. It even comes with a blanket to throw over me once I pass out. Now, that's what I call a situation ship. Wow, Louis. Louis Black, everyone.

But listen, if the eighth best Spider-Man can cash in on the mocktail boom, so can I. Introducing Louis Black's dry January vodka. It's just regular vodka and you can sit in the corner and watch me drink it. It even comes with a blanket to throw over me once I pass out. Now, that's what I call a situation ship. Wow, Louis. Louis Black, everyone.

We are officially in the dog days of summer, which means I can finally bust out my slip and slide. It used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot of kids' stuff you can just walk up and take. But this summer, it's so hot, you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the vinyl.

We are officially in the dog days of summer, which means I can finally bust out my slip and slide. It used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot of kids' stuff you can just walk up and take. But this summer, it's so hot, you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the vinyl.

Really, really hot. The hottest day ever recorded on Earth. Suck on that, dinosaurs. We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an asteroid like you pussies. Yes, this summer, the heat is kicking our ass more than usual. Last week, it was so hot in New York that, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I asked the Hawk to a girl to hit me in the forehead.

Really, really hot. The hottest day ever recorded on Earth. Suck on that, dinosaurs. We can destroy the planet ourselves. We don't need an asteroid like you pussies. Yes, this summer, the heat is kicking our ass more than usual. Last week, it was so hot in New York that, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I asked the Hawk to a girl to hit me in the forehead.

And this isn't just your classic heat wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about. The heat is so extreme, it's causing shit that's never happened before.

And this isn't just your classic heat wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about. The heat is so extreme, it's causing shit that's never happened before.

It's so hot that our soda cans are joining Al-Qaeda. I don't want to die in a plane crash because of Cherry Coke. I want to die because the Boeing guys forgot to tighten the screws. This is a disaster. What happens if planes have to get rid of soda? What am I supposed to drink on a flight now? Whiskey? Then another whiskey? What, am I supposed to mix the whiskey with another whiskey?

It's so hot that our soda cans are joining Al-Qaeda. I don't want to die in a plane crash because of Cherry Coke. I want to die because the Boeing guys forgot to tighten the screws. This is a disaster. What happens if planes have to get rid of soda? What am I supposed to drink on a flight now? Whiskey? Then another whiskey? What, am I supposed to mix the whiskey with another whiskey?

Now I haven't had enough. You've had enough! This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure Ewans will take this as a sign that climate change is a serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op.

Now I haven't had enough. You've had enough! This is clearly a reckoning, but I'm sure Ewans will take this as a sign that climate change is a serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op.

Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley. That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell at Burger King, you idiot. Now, you'd think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat. But instead, they're getting in on the fun.

Of course, nothing can survive in Death Valley. That's why they call it Death Valley. Guess what they sell at Burger King, you idiot. Now, you'd think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat. But instead, they're getting in on the fun.