Lewis Black

Is that supposed to be a baby? It looks like someone knocked up Megan. Somebody send that thing to the Supreme Court and we'll have abortion back in no time. But, of course, there's also one very affordable summer program that parents are forgetting about. Ignoring your kids and letting them f*** off for three months. You know, watch TV, kick rocks, maybe even pull some hoes.

Is that supposed to be a baby? It looks like someone knocked up Megan. Somebody send that thing to the Supreme Court and we'll have abortion back in no time. But, of course, there's also one very affordable summer program that parents are forgetting about. Ignoring your kids and letting them f*** off for three months. You know, watch TV, kick rocks, maybe even pull some hoes.

That's how I spent my summers as a kid. And look how I turned out. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's how I spent my summers as a kid. And look how I turned out. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's already been a month since the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping out what's left of my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half the country is excited and the other half is still at home in the fetal position. Me, I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while and watching something a little cozier, like who killed JonBenet Ramsey. Baby, it's cold outside, and so is this case.

It's already been a month since the election. I guess time flies when I'm not ripping out what's left of my pubes. Since Trump's victory, half the country is excited and the other half is still at home in the fetal position. Me, I'm coping by shutting off the news for a while and watching something a little cozier, like who killed JonBenet Ramsey. Baby, it's cold outside, and so is this case.

But for those Democrats able to leave the House, this is what they're doing.

But for those Democrats able to leave the House, this is what they're doing.

What the f*** is this? Call me old-fashioned, but if you have a breakdown on the subway, you're supposed to jump in front of it. Subway walls are for only two things. Mysterious piss stains and ads for Shen Yun. Sure, it's a cult, but those concubines sure can boogie. And who are these people writing their deepest feelings on a train platform?

What the f*** is this? Call me old-fashioned, but if you have a breakdown on the subway, you're supposed to jump in front of it. Subway walls are for only two things. Mysterious piss stains and ads for Shen Yun. Sure, it's a cult, but those concubines sure can boogie. And who are these people writing their deepest feelings on a train platform?

The only subway thoughts I have are, is that guy shitting? And why am I being stabbed? In that order. But if writing postage is a little too subtle, you can react to the election loss the American way, violence.

The only subway thoughts I have are, is that guy shitting? And why am I being stabbed? In that order. But if writing postage is a little too subtle, you can react to the election loss the American way, violence.

Look out, everyone. The libs are pissed and they're coming for grandma's fine china. Democrats can't even get mad correctly. Conservatives storm the Capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these crowbars ethically sourced? When shit gets bad, you don't smash things like a toddler. You let it eat away at you from the inside like a big boy with stress-related hemorrhoids.

Look out, everyone. The libs are pissed and they're coming for grandma's fine china. Democrats can't even get mad correctly. Conservatives storm the Capitol. Meanwhile, Democrats are like, are these crowbars ethically sourced? When shit gets bad, you don't smash things like a toddler. You let it eat away at you from the inside like a big boy with stress-related hemorrhoids.

Which reminds me, this segment is brought to you by Preparation H. Preparation H. I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free Preparation H. But if you'd like to be sad without getting a shard of glass in your retina, you could always venture outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote.

Which reminds me, this segment is brought to you by Preparation H. Preparation H. I'm old, I'm angry, and I'd like some free Preparation H. But if you'd like to be sad without getting a shard of glass in your retina, you could always venture outdoors and get in touch with your inner coyote.

Okay, let me get this straight. Plan A for the Democrats was to vote, and plan B is to scare the f*** out of Sturgeon? I don't know about you, but I'm feeling optimistic about 2028. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been doing it for 40 years, and I'm still at the same f***ing desk! God, I've wasted my life!

Okay, let me get this straight. Plan A for the Democrats was to vote, and plan B is to scare the f*** out of Sturgeon? I don't know about you, but I'm feeling optimistic about 2028. Trust me, screaming doesn't change anything. I've been doing it for 40 years, and I'm still at the same f***ing desk! God, I've wasted my life!

But if screaming beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding on a boat will.

But if screaming beside a lake doesn't cure your election blues, maybe riding on a boat will.