Lewis Black

Also, how about making the stars smash their heads together until they get brain damage? It works for the Super Bowl. But really, we all know what makes the Oscars such a drag. Those interminable speeches and clearly playing people off with music doesn't do jack shit. And that's why I've come up with a way to guarantee the winners don't wear out their welcome.

Also, how about making the stars smash their heads together until they get brain damage? It works for the Super Bowl. But really, we all know what makes the Oscars such a drag. Those interminable speeches and clearly playing people off with music doesn't do jack shit. And that's why I've come up with a way to guarantee the winners don't wear out their welcome.

All right, everyone, let's keep it short. My bus transfer expires in 15 minutes, and I intend to use it.

All right, everyone, let's keep it short. My bus transfer expires in 15 minutes, and I intend to use it.

Yeah, we all agree your speech has gone on long enough. Save the rest for your diary, Bridget Jones.

Yeah, we all agree your speech has gone on long enough. Save the rest for your diary, Bridget Jones.

Neil Armstrong's speech was one sentence. You're a disgrace to his legacy.

Neil Armstrong's speech was one sentence. You're a disgrace to his legacy.

You gotta be kidding me. The glaciers may be melting, but at least they move faster than this. For the last time, keep the speeches short and to the point.

You gotta be kidding me. The glaciers may be melting, but at least they move faster than this. For the last time, keep the speeches short and to the point.

That's not only a great idea, it's a great performance. Where's my Oscar?

That's not only a great idea, it's a great performance. Where's my Oscar?

It's February, the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. And if you haven't got the money or the energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes on this. Free, computerized, pre-made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends.

It's February, the most depressing month of the year, which means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. And if you haven't got the money or the energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes on this. Free, computerized, pre-made Valentine's cards that you can email to all of your girlfriends.

And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic because as you can see, they're sitting on the Don Juan's. They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're selling 20,000 a month.

And look, there's even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a Monica cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic because as you can see, they're sitting on the Don Juan's. They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're selling 20,000 a month.

And just why would you want to do that?

And just why would you want to do that?

Dodie. Diana. Diana. Man, I just can't get that haunting melody out of my head. John? Thank you, Lewis Black. That was excellent.

Dodie. Diana. Diana. Man, I just can't get that haunting melody out of my head. John? Thank you, Lewis Black. That was excellent.