Lili Padman

I'll add a layer because I think when I was younger, I probably, you'll be the first to acknowledge it, but like these are all spectrum categories.

And also we are very fluid and context dependent.

So I'm one way here, I'm one way there.

But if I had to say what I lean more towards,

It's actually zero fear of intimacy.

Being close, that felt wonderful.

But I would be immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility of that.

And then this fear, almost in an OCD way, well, if I have to break up with this person, this is going to be so painful.

And I'm now so afraid of this responsibility of potentially hurting this person that now I'm starting to feel a little trapped by it.

There's all these hues of it.

We're both sitting here.

So for the rest of my life, I'll be waiting on this person?

Right, exactly.

And then the leap of faith of, no, actually, hold on.

Do I think this person is someone who will exploit and take advantage of me because I'm nice this one time?

And then that was kind of the breakthrough.

It was like, no, I don't think this person is that way.

I don't need to have this fear.

And I haven't minded.

But then it starts all over again when you have kids.