Liliana

Like the sound of laughter is such a trigger for me, truly.

But just laughing, laughing, and I would start crying.

I went up to my room and I had my little sippy cup with water because I was dehydrated, crying my eyes out all day, every day.

And I just sat in my bed and just like stared down at my comforter, drinking my little sippy cup.

And when I think about the feeling of emptiness and just utter defeat, helplessness, that's what I think of is that moment.

I don't think I've ever felt as empty and as worthless and as just defeated as I did in that moment.

I knew then that if I wanted my parents to love me, I needed to find a way

to turn my emotions off.

And it's just not possible.

Like I said, I've always been a sensitive kid.

My emotions have always been bigger than other kids and they still are to this day.

My emotions are very big.

I think it's trauma and autism, you know, but whatever.

I would try really hard not to show emotion around my parents and get punished anyway.

Like if I showed 20% of my emotion compared to the normal 100, and I would put in effort to keep my emotions to myself,

and only showed 20% I would still be punished for that 20% as if it was 100 and it was just like and that would just add even more more to me emotionally because it was like well I'm trying and I'm getting punished as if I'm not and it was just like it was just horrible horrible I at six years old hated myself I hated myself and I just was like my parents treat me this way because I deserve it and I was like there's something about me like I don't know why I can't get myself to

turn my emotions off.

I don't know why.

Like, I don't know why I have these very normal human things.

And it was just a lot.