Louisa Zissman

Tell us.

Hernan does, because that was the first introduction I had to Hernan.

Confessions, I've never told anyone this, but here we go.

First up, some years ago, like many young men, my teenage years were spent experimenting with new and interesting ways to have a wank.

Brilliant.

What began with some innocent nocturnal pillow humping soon migrated to frenzied sessions.

Hunched double on the bedroom floor, masturbating to copies of my sister's Just 17 magazine or over brief encounters with girls in the tuck shop queue at school.

One particular evening, I decided to take things up a gear and try out a technique that I'd read about in FHM, which involved filling a condom full of ice cream before ejaculating into it.

These magazines have a lot to answer for.

They actually do.

The sensation of the Hodges was said to feel volcanic.

Well, naturally, I was intrigued, so waited until the house was empty to conduct my... It's like a Moore magazine position of the fortnight...

What about when they said put an Alka-Seltzer up there?

And I tried that.

These magazines had a lot to answer for.

More mag, just 17, all of it.

One problem, though, he said no condom.

Never mind.

One of the sandwich bags my mum used for our packed lunches will do very nicely.

Thank you very much.