Mark Manson

consistently throughout my previous relationships.

consistently throughout my previous relationships.

Totally. Which I think people don't realize like, I mean, avoidance in particular, it's a very irrational reaction and it happens when you're not aware of it, it happens unconsciously. It's almost like a knee jerk type thing. You get too close to somebody. It gets a little bit too intimate. You feel vulnerable. That freaks you out.

Totally. Which I think people don't realize like, I mean, avoidance in particular, it's a very irrational reaction and it happens when you're not aware of it, it happens unconsciously. It's almost like a knee jerk type thing. You get too close to somebody. It gets a little bit too intimate. You feel vulnerable. That freaks you out.

And so your mind starts tricking you and it starts convincing you things that aren't true, right? It's like, oh, she's probably lying to you. Or, you know, oh, she never actually liked you that much. She's just doing this because she wants something from you. You know, it starts feeding all these stories and narratives in your brain that are completely made up.

And so your mind starts tricking you and it starts convincing you things that aren't true, right? It's like, oh, she's probably lying to you. Or, you know, oh, she never actually liked you that much. She's just doing this because she wants something from you. You know, it starts feeding all these stories and narratives in your brain that are completely made up.

And they're completely based in your trauma response. But if you're not aware of that pattern within yourself, you assume it's true. And you assume it's right. And then you start a dumb fight over something completely inconsequential.

And they're completely based in your trauma response. But if you're not aware of that pattern within yourself, you assume it's true. And you assume it's right. And then you start a dumb fight over something completely inconsequential.

It's a really good question. I think one of the biggest things is simply, I don't know if the right word is acceptance or non-judgment, but it's I guess the best way I'd describe it is not feeling compelled to change the other person.

It's a really good question. I think one of the biggest things is simply, I don't know if the right word is acceptance or non-judgment, but it's I guess the best way I'd describe it is not feeling compelled to change the other person.

A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, for sure. And she probably tried to change me a little bit. Really? I just feel like when I look at the trends, at this point, my wife and I, we've been together, it will be 13 years next month that we've been together. And when I look at the different kind of trajectories in the relationship over that time,

A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, for sure. And she probably tried to change me a little bit. Really? I just feel like when I look at the trends, at this point, my wife and I, we've been together, it will be 13 years next month that we've been together. And when I look at the different kind of trajectories in the relationship over that time,

Definitely one of the biggest ones is it feels like every year that goes by, the more we just kind of live and let live. Like we just, you love who's in front of you. You don't love who they might be, who they could be, who you wish they could be. You love who's in front of you, right? And that's, ultimately that's the choice you have to make.

Definitely one of the biggest ones is it feels like every year that goes by, the more we just kind of live and let live. Like we just, you love who's in front of you. You don't love who they might be, who they could be, who you wish they could be. You love who's in front of you, right? And that's, ultimately that's the choice you have to make.

And if you choose not to, if you choose to love some imagined version of your partner, some potential version of your partner, I just think you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain

And if you choose not to, if you choose to love some imagined version of your partner, some potential version of your partner, I just think you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain

You basically become a slave to your unconscious, right? You've got all these patterns. Harville Hendricks calls them love maps. But you have all these patterns that were imprinted on you as a child. And if you're like most people, like everybody, you know, your parents weren't perfect. So your parents had baggage and issues and they kind of imprinted some of that baggage and issues on you.

You basically become a slave to your unconscious, right? You've got all these patterns. Harville Hendricks calls them love maps. But you have all these patterns that were imprinted on you as a child. And if you're like most people, like everybody, you know, your parents weren't perfect. So your parents had baggage and issues and they kind of imprinted some of that baggage and issues on you.

And so if you never develop any awareness around yourself, you're essentially a slave to that baggage. Like you're always just gonna assume that any impulse or emotion that arises is true without questioning it, without wondering if you're being irrational or not. Maybe you're being unfair. Maybe you're being selfish. You know, these are all human things. We all do them. And

And so if you never develop any awareness around yourself, you're essentially a slave to that baggage. Like you're always just gonna assume that any impulse or emotion that arises is true without questioning it, without wondering if you're being irrational or not. Maybe you're being unfair. Maybe you're being selfish. You know, these are all human things. We all do them. And