Melissa Urban
Appearances
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics, I can say, Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna leave the table, yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So all of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
It's freedom. Yeah, it's literally freedom. What is available on the other side is freedom. And that's really at the heart of my boundary practice. I think so many people think that boundaries are about pushing people away or holding them at a distance or that they're controlling or manipulative. boundaries are a gift in your relationship.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm going to say to you, hey, I need... I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room?" Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm going to do.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yes, I have this... and seeing if people will honor respect it or renegotiate it in some way yeah if you want to accept that or not you know it all kind of depends yes i have this like green yellow red boundary framework that i've been using since the earliest days of my recovery where i evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice? That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request. You're inviting her and meet it. Chances are she's going to go, yeah, that's fine. Now, she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit and it's not some kind of emergency.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
You're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend or should I just call you later on tonight? Right. That's you holding your boundary.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by and it's not an unreasonable request. And so the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please. That does not feel unreasonable to me.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Sometimes you have to live in the yellow. So this is really common with conversations around diet,
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
body weight if it's like really ingrained in your family to talk about how much weight you've lost or whether or not this person has lost weight or how many calories you're consuming and these conversations tend to happen like around food that can be really uncomfortable and triggering for some people so you may say hey i would prefer not to participate in conversations where we're talking about my body your body anyone's body calories can we just not talk about that
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
and they say yes and then they bring it up at the table because it's very common like family culture you might have to use that yellow limit and remind them hey we agreed not to talk about this if you can't change the subject i'm going to excuse myself from the table you may have to live in the yellow for a while if you're trying to re kind of change family patterns but if they agree in the moment they say oh yeah you're right i forgot then that's a win yeah
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Even in a relationship in which you are so close and so open and so vulnerable, like with my husband, we still have boundaries that are healthy for both of us. And so on the other side of like opening this box and exploring it will simply come a new set of boundaries.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And when you do that, when you continue to remind them, eventually, right, they're going to remember, they're going to remind themselves. And that's how you change entire family. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
uh so frequently yeah i feel like that's not an area where i have enough credentials or experience to talk about because there are so many factors involved in people's eating habits, right? There's physiological factors, there's stress factors, there's emotional factors, there's the impact of the kind of food that we're eating and the foods that are being marketed to us.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I think there are a lot of reasons and boundaries around food are tricky because you never want a boundary to feel punitive. So, do I have boundaries around food? Kind of, I guess, in that I don't eat foods that I know don't work for my body. but that's not like all the time.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I don't eat gluten almost ever on a regular basis because I know it really messes with my digestion and my skin and my mood. But when my mom bakes her chocolate chip walnut cake 100% of the time, I'm like, yeah, I'm on it. So I think what I'm saying here is that my boundary isn't necessarily specific to like a food or drink.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
What my boundary is is I'm not going to automatically say yes or no until I check in with myself and ask myself, is it worth it? Do I want it? What's the context? How I'm feeling? So maybe the boundary is like, I just don't have an automatic yes or no. It's the very first question I ask is reflective.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And hopefully those boundaries have continued to expand our relationship and they continue to allow me to show up in a way that still feels good to me. and safe to me. And then as that relationship progresses, hopefully I can back those boundaries off because showing up all the time or most of the time feels good and safe. That's what's on the other side of it. It's really freedom.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah, it can and it should. And I think, again, boundaries are a great way to start that opening up because you don't want to vomit every feeling you've ever had in a space that might not be safe for you.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So you can set limits with different people, with social media groups, with whatever that looks like to be able to start sharing in a way that does feel safe and then hopefully expand those limits as you gain confidence with sharing your feelings and as you're affirmed because you're sharing with the right people.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Not alcohol. I never drank. Drug addiction. Yeah, just a lot of drugs.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I would never have started doing drugs. Really? The only reason I started doing drugs was because at 16, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't tell anyone for a year. When I did tell my family, they didn't handle it well. And they said, we can't tell anyone. We need to keep it quiet or it will hurt the family. And I felt like I had no outlet whatsoever.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
They put me in therapy, but I didn't want to talk about it.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I couldn't talk about it to my family. I had internalized the message that obviously it was my fault. Obviously I had done something wrong. And so I began looking for things to numb that experience and to numb these feelings that I had been shoving down. I tried controlling my eating, that didn't work. I tried drinking, that didn't work. And then I found drugs and I was like, this is it.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Here we are.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah, it took me away. It was the first thing that took me as far away from myself as I wanted to be.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Well, I mean, it started when I went into rehab twice. I went in twice. Right. The second time it really stuck. And I decided I was going to really change every aspect of my life and really become this healthy person with healthy habits. That was really the first time I ever set boundaries around my addiction and my recovery. And I think that's what changed it for me.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
That's why I didn't have a second relapse. But then it was just a process. So I started exercising and I certainly exercised to an unhealthy degree, but then that modulated itself. And then I started eating healthier and did my first full 30 and was like, oh, wow, the way you're using food is not super healthy.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And, you know, then I went back to therapy and started talking about more things, but not all the things. And I went through my divorce and really started talking about all the things. So it's been like a process for sure. Wow. Yeah, and I'm sure I'll talk to you two or three years from now and be like, oh, since we've talked, I've done like X, Y, and Z, and here are the other things I've done.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I'm like a way better mom than I ever thought I would be. I'm a really good mom. I have a well of patience for my child that nobody in my life, myself included, knew existed. And I have a sense of love for him that I've never before experienced and never will again. I'm a way better mom than I thought I would be. And I'm really proud of that.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I love my kiddo.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah, I see that now. He's nine. He's in a nice little sweet spot now.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So this is the thing. If your boundary is you telling other people what you are willing to do to keep yourself safe and healthy. That doesn't always mean that the outcome is desirable. If you're talking about boundaries at work and they won't respect them, are you willing to transfer departments, go to HR, look for a new job?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
If it's boundaries with a family member and they will not respect them to the point where it is seriously harming your relationship, your physical health, your mental health, Are you willing to cut that person off? Are you willing to take a break from them or seriously limit the way that you choose to engage with them?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
We will communicate only via email and text at this point, not in person, not on the phone. You have actions that you are able to take, but that doesn't mean that those actions are always easy or always your desired outcome. And then what you have to ask yourself is how willing am I to let this person continue to harm me for the sake of preserving this relationship?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And like, what would that look like? What does it look like? And are there limits that I can set in between letting them run me over exactly the way they are and cutting off the relationship altogether? Because there are a lot of things I think that you could do in between. to preserve the relationship in a way that works for you.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
You just have to be willing to find it and then ultimately hold it for yourself. Oh, man. I know. It's not easy, but I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me feel like crap every time I show up or that doesn't allow me to be my fullest self or that hurts me every time I'm there.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I don't think that it is. And I can't make that decision for anybody else. If you say, no, she's my mom and I want to maintain a relationship with my mom and she's family and I'm going to, then that's your decision, but I want you to go into it eyes open.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Correct.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah. And it's not even distancing, right? What it's essential... I'm not distancing myself from my husband or from my son when I set a boundary. What I am saying is...
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
There absolutely are. And this is why there's no one-size-fits-all boundary scenario. Because what might feel like an annoyance to you might be really harmful to somebody else. What one family is like, oh my gosh, how could you interact like that as a family? That wouldn't work for us. As somebody else is like, absolutely, drop over whenever you want. You don't even have to knock. Right, right.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
There is no one size fits all. The door is always open. Absolutely. Stay anytime you want. But I do like this idea of asking myself, like, what is the story I'm telling myself about this? And like, is there some examination of that that I could do on my end?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I think so. Yes.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
have this need I have this feeling that I'm taking responsibility for and here is that limit because you're not a mind reader and I shouldn't expect you to know it and if you can meet me in this limit then what you get is like a happier mom a more patient mom a more loving wife a more you know
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I like that you asked that question. Thank you. This conversation was everything. I always love coming in here to talk to you. And I always feel like you get me to share more than I thought I was going to, but in like a really safe and authentic way. So I appreciate that. I always enjoy our talks. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
romantic wife, somebody who can show up as her fullest self because I just had this like one small thing that I've asked you to do that you've said you're willing to do for the good of our relationship and for my own health and safety. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I mean, I still would say like a nine. I do, and I think it's because I recognize that I am in control of how I choose to respond to these situations, right? So I can't control what my mom does or says or whether she goes to therapy. I can't always control the way my husband shows up or my sister or my colleagues at work, but I can always control how I respond to those things.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And that sense of empowerment, I think that comes from boundaries, that come from my recovery practice, that come from therapy, that comes from my movement practice, like all of these things that require me to check in with myself and ask myself what I need and then realize that I have the power to act on that. Those are the things that bring me real freedom.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah, I mean, I think, and this is the real challenge, is that when you're in a relationship breakdown or things aren't going well and I hear stories like this from thousands of people all the time, right? Where it's like I, in heterosexual relationships, the wife is doing all of the household management and all of the childcare and the expectations are only placed on her.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And it's like, she's the default for everything. And she has to ask her husband to help and pitch in and,
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
babysit his own kids and she comes to me and says like i don't know what to do in this situation the challenging thing is that at that point you can't solve that with a simple boundary right the boundary has to be like i am going to go to therapy myself to explore what my options are because at this point the way this relationship is working is not working for me right
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
But if we go back to like some of the things we've talked about even earlier on in a relationship, I think setting a boundary like right away in a relationship immediately, even before you start dating, can be a super good litmus test for how well you can communicate. So it's like we're talking about going on a first date and it's like, oh, by the way, I don't drink.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So I'd love to meet you for happy hour. I'll just have like a tea and see if there's pressure. See if that is weird. See if they give you like pushback on that. Or you can talk about, you know, before you get intimate, like, by the way, you know, this is what I said to my husband, like, by the way, you're wearing a condom.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And until we both get STD tested and like swap tests, that's going to continue. And like, if that isn't respected, that's an immediate relationship ender for me. Like, that's it. So I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries in relationships just to see how you discuss them, how you each view them. Do they see it as selfish? And if so, can you have that conversation? Do they push back?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
How do they handle when you navigate that pushback? I think that can be really important.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah, I think the two are definitely not mutually exclusive So I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids So it is me, you know saying to my husband like hey, I need a half an hour of alone time I'm gonna go to my room I'll come back out after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Yeah. Well, by the time I wrote my books, I was pretty decent at boundaries, especially around my- With Whole30? Yes, especially around my entrepreneuring because I figured out super fast when I quit my full-time job.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
When my son watches us do that, he recognizes that in this family, it's okay to say no, that people don't get mad when you say no, that mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings. So we've been modeling healthy boundaries. But I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age, and I have set boundaries on his behalf. So one of the earliest boundaries I set with him or for him
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
was when you visit grandma or grandpa or nana and pop pop and or auntie kelly and you don't see them very often you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to we have to be polite and say goodbye and say thank you but you can hug you can kiss you can wave you can fist bump you can make a funny face you can you know high five whatever you want but you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to and so we had this like issue once with my mom where she was like i really want to hug like i haven't seen him in such a long time i only see him a few times a year and i'm like i get it
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
But he doesn't want to hug you. And like, you need to respect that. And she did. And I recognized that it was disappointing for her. But also what I taught my son was that you have agency. And if you don't want to hug, you don't have to.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And so now, you know, I'll come sit next to him on the couch when he's nine and I'll be like, hey, do you want to watch Naked and Afraid and like do a little snuggle? And he'll be like, I'd love to watch the show, but I don't want to snuggle. I'm like, cool. That's fine, yeah, that's good. So we've raised him in the culture of boundaries and he feels now comfortable setting boundaries with me.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids. They do because they realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
that boundaries are not about pushing other people away they're about you know creating that sense of like family in a way that works for everybody and i think they feel really safe to my kid and what are the biggest boundaries you've had to create for yourself healthy boundaries for you individually separate from family and loved ones and zillions i think boundaries with yourself
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
are so incredibly powerful because they only rely on one person to hold them. And you can immediately reclaim your time, your energy, your capacity, your mental health, your physical space and sense of safety. Like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself. The challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary, like what's gonna happen, right?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
No, not as much. That's what I'm saying.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
If you say to yourself, I'm not gonna check my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, which is one of my most,
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
beloved boundaries and the one that i've set for many many years and the one that i still hold to if i do roll over and check my phone before i go to the gym and do my meditation like nobody's going to jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand so you're going to know i will know and what's going to happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to future melissa really i think about future me all the time tell me more
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Not as much. I had some in some areas, right? Around my drug addiction and recovery, really solid boundaries. Sure. But no, not- From relationships. Yeah, relationships, especially with family, parents.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
What is the decision that I'm making right now and how is it going to impact future Melissa? Because current Melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more show on Netflix. But what will this mean for future Melissa? She's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
then she's going to fall asleep late and then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep and then when she wakes up tomorrow she's not going to be pumped for the gym and she might even skip it because she's going to be tired if she skips the gym before she does this interview she was she's like not going to be a good guest because she won't feel grounded and centered like when i play it out that way it makes it a lot easier for me to be like go to bed because future melissa will benefit so
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I have boundaries with myself where I'm not checking my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, not checking my phone in the half hour before bedtime, so I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time. I have really strong boundaries. When I'm out of office, I am out of office.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Unless something is on fire, you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails. I think I set boundaries with myself pretty often. Because I know that they can be like an instant sense. They can give me an instant sense of freedom. And nobody else has to even worry about it.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I think I've become more rigorous about what I say yes to in terms of work opportunities. It's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything. And if I don't say yes to this, maybe they won't ask me again. Or who knows what this lunch or coffee could turn into. I think, I don't know if we talked about this, but like four years ago, I got a concussion.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I'm still going through post-concussion symptoms that are triggered by air travel, events like this, speaking events, in-person events, like any kind of stressor can set my concussion symptoms off. And that forced me to become more rigorous about what I say yes to. So now, again, I kind of have this automatic pause before I say yes to anything.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Even something that I think I'm super excited about, it's like quick pause. Can you work this into your schedule? Will you have capacity to do this? What else is this going to push off your plate? And is that acceptable to you? What are the things you're going to have to make up when you get back home? And then once I think about that, I either say yes or no.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And if I say no, it's because again, I know I'm serving future me. I can be disappointed. but I can also be happy that I've checked in with my own needs. So that I think I've really dialed in on the last couple of years. And I think it's made a big difference in my overall capacity.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
know. I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I stumble across them. Yeah, like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago just randomly. So I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one-size-fits-all for boundaries.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year and I'm in the moment and I go... You know, my context has changed. My capacity has changed. My goals have changed. Do I still I'm always reevaluating my boundary. Do I still need a boundary here? And if so, is this the boundary that I need?
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
So I don't know. Ask me next year.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Definitely.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right
The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say, I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you.