The School of Greatness
How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships
Fri, 22 Nov 2024
In this powerful masterclass focusing on family relationships, I sit down with three remarkable guests who share their profound insights on marriage, family, success, authenticity, and personal growth. Best-selling author Melissa Urban shares transformative wisdom about creating boundaries that lead to freedom in all relationships. Renowned comedian Gabriel Iglesias discusses the challenges of balancing relationships with fame and setting healthy boundaries. Award-winning actress and author Tabitha Brown opens up about maintaining a strong 20+ year marriage while navigating Hollywood success. Together, these conversations reveal essential truths about maintaining authentic connections while pursuing your dreams.In this episode you will learn:Why trying to control everything blocks authentic relationships and personal growthThe importance of setting clear boundaries while maintaining compassion and flexibilityHow to navigate relationship changes as you step into your authentic selfThe power of expressing feelings honestly instead of using unhealthy coping mechanismsHow to keep your marriage strong when one partner experiences increased fame and successFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1697For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Melissa Urban – greatness.lnk.to/1567SCGabriel Iglesias – greatness.lnk.to/1593SCTabitha Brown – greatness.lnk.to/1600SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy!Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Chapter 1: What are the benefits of setting boundaries?
Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in. This is what I think people don't understand is you were extremely successful before these last couple of years of healing, of therapy and creating boundaries.
You didn't have certain boundaries, but you had this massive, you know, number one New York Times bestselling book and, you know, this massive audience. You were extremely successful. So you can still function and be successful, but there was, you didn't have boundaries and you hadn't processed a lot, right?
Yeah. Well, by the time I wrote my books, I was pretty decent at boundaries, especially around my- With Whole30? Yes, especially around my entrepreneuring because I figured out super fast when I quit my full-time job.
But in your personal life?
No, not as much. That's what I'm saying.
You didn't have the boundaries in your personal life still.
Not as much. I had some in some areas, right? Around my drug addiction and recovery, really solid boundaries. Sure. But no, not- From relationships. Yeah, relationships, especially with family, parents.
And you were still able to be successful in society's terms with getting results. Yeah. Which I think people can see that and be like, oh, she's got it all figured out. And you were able to function at a high level and accomplish a lot, but there was still stuff inside of you that you were working through.
Yeah.
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Chapter 2: How do boundaries lead to personal freedom?
Definitely.
And that's why I asked you a question. What do you think is available on the other side when you open the box at the right time for you? I'm not trying to have you open it up in this week or something, but when the time works for you, which you said may never be the right timing, what is available on the other side?
It's freedom. Yeah, it's literally freedom. What is available on the other side is freedom. And that's really at the heart of my boundary practice. I think so many people think that boundaries are about pushing people away or holding them at a distance or that they're controlling or manipulative. boundaries are a gift in your relationship.
Even in a relationship in which you are so close and so open and so vulnerable, like with my husband, we still have boundaries that are healthy for both of us. And so on the other side of like opening this box and exploring it will simply come a new set of boundaries.
And hopefully those boundaries have continued to expand our relationship and they continue to allow me to show up in a way that still feels good to me. and safe to me. And then as that relationship progresses, hopefully I can back those boundaries off because showing up all the time or most of the time feels good and safe. That's what's on the other side of it. It's really freedom.
Yeah, I think it's creating the freedom and it's not saying, okay, you can walk all over me and do whatever you want now with friends or family or intimate loved ones. it's creating new boundaries in that space of freedom.
Correct.
Exactly. You might still put people at a distance, but you feel like you have freedom from that relationship or from the past, right?
Yeah. And it's not even distancing, right? What it's essential... I'm not distancing myself from my husband or from my son when I set a boundary. What I am saying is...
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Chapter 3: What challenges do people face in setting boundaries?
And until we both get STD tested and like swap tests, that's going to continue. And like, if that isn't respected, that's an immediate relationship ender for me. Like, that's it. So I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries in relationships just to see how you discuss them, how you each view them. Do they see it as selfish? And if so, can you have that conversation? Do they push back?
How do they handle when you navigate that pushback? I think that can be really important.
What about with children? As a parent, I don't have kids yet, so I can't relate to that. I can relate to my experience as a kid being obnoxious to my parents and probably driving them crazy and understanding that it's challenging for parents. How do healthy conscious parents create healthy boundaries with kids without neglecting their kids emotions feelings and needs?
Yeah, I think the two are definitely not mutually exclusive So I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids So it is me, you know saying to my husband like hey, I need a half an hour of alone time I'm gonna go to my room I'll come back out after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed.
When my son watches us do that, he recognizes that in this family, it's okay to say no, that people don't get mad when you say no, that mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings. So we've been modeling healthy boundaries. But I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age, and I have set boundaries on his behalf. So one of the earliest boundaries I set with him or for him
was when you visit grandma or grandpa or nana and pop pop and or auntie kelly and you don't see them very often you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to we have to be polite and say goodbye and say thank you but you can hug you can kiss you can wave you can fist bump you can make a funny face you can you know high five whatever you want but you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to and so we had this like issue once with my mom where she was like i really want to hug like i haven't seen him in such a long time i only see him a few times a year and i'm like i get it
But he doesn't want to hug you. And like, you need to respect that. And she did. And I recognized that it was disappointing for her. But also what I taught my son was that you have agency. And if you don't want to hug, you don't have to.
And so now, you know, I'll come sit next to him on the couch when he's nine and I'll be like, hey, do you want to watch Naked and Afraid and like do a little snuggle? And he'll be like, I'd love to watch the show, but I don't want to snuggle. I'm like, cool. That's fine, yeah, that's good. So we've raised him in the culture of boundaries and he feels now comfortable setting boundaries with me.
Boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids. They do because they realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings.
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Chapter 4: How can parents model healthy boundaries for their children?
are so incredibly powerful because they only rely on one person to hold them. And you can immediately reclaim your time, your energy, your capacity, your mental health, your physical space and sense of safety. Like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself. The challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary, like what's gonna happen, right?
If you say to yourself, I'm not gonna check my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, which is one of my most,
beloved boundaries and the one that i've set for many many years and the one that i still hold to if i do roll over and check my phone before i go to the gym and do my meditation like nobody's going to jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand so you're going to know i will know and what's going to happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to future melissa really i think about future me all the time tell me more
What is the decision that I'm making right now and how is it going to impact future Melissa? Because current Melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more show on Netflix. But what will this mean for future Melissa? She's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time.
then she's going to fall asleep late and then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep and then when she wakes up tomorrow she's not going to be pumped for the gym and she might even skip it because she's going to be tired if she skips the gym before she does this interview she was she's like not going to be a good guest because she won't feel grounded and centered like when i play it out that way it makes it a lot easier for me to be like go to bed because future melissa will benefit so
I have boundaries with myself where I'm not checking my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, not checking my phone in the half hour before bedtime, so I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time. I have really strong boundaries. When I'm out of office, I am out of office.
Unless something is on fire, you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails. I think I set boundaries with myself pretty often. Because I know that they can be like an instant sense. They can give me an instant sense of freedom. And nobody else has to even worry about it.
What's the boundary you set in the last two years for yourself that has given you the most benefit?
I think I've become more rigorous about what I say yes to in terms of work opportunities. It's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything. And if I don't say yes to this, maybe they won't ask me again. Or who knows what this lunch or coffee could turn into. I think, I don't know if we talked about this, but like four years ago, I got a concussion.
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Chapter 5: What are effective strategies for communicating boundaries?
What do you see since you've been working through this book for a while now. You've heard a lot of conversations from people, single, in relationships, family challenges, different things. What do you see that society needs in general to create better and healthier boundaries around?
Welcome to my favorite TED Talk.
It's just with social media, with work, with all the political stuff. Just what do people need in general moving into next year, you think?
I mean, we need, honestly, so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I will say, especially women. especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media.
We've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that. to not have needs, to not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom, we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own. Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom.
And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally.
And I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. and to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs. And then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person.
If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me. The actions that I am willing to take
in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um i we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and i say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe i don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right
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Chapter 6: How can someone handle relationships that disregard boundaries?
And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited and you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before, I don't want you to open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there.
The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice? That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request. You're inviting her and meet it. Chances are she's going to go, yeah, that's fine. Now, she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit and it's not some kind of emergency.
You're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend or should I just call you later on tonight? Right. That's you holding your boundary.
Sure.
Yeah.
And the red is what?
Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by and it's not an unreasonable request. And so the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please. That does not feel unreasonable to me.
especially if they've said, yes, I honor your request and I will do this. And then if they say no, then you just say, okay, well, I'm not gonna open the door maybe. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, depending on how I feel.
Sometimes you have to live in the yellow. So this is really common with conversations around diet,
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Chapter 7: What is the importance of self-boundaries?
Yeah, it can and it should. And I think, again, boundaries are a great way to start that opening up because you don't want to vomit every feeling you've ever had in a space that might not be safe for you.
So you can set limits with different people, with social media groups, with whatever that looks like to be able to start sharing in a way that does feel safe and then hopefully expand those limits as you gain confidence with sharing your feelings and as you're affirmed because you're sharing with the right people.
Right.
Yeah.
So you said you were with drugs and alcohol addiction, right?
Not alcohol. I never drank. Drug addiction. Yeah, just a lot of drugs.
Do you think if you would have expressed your feelings more regularly, you would do less drugs at that time?
I would never have started doing drugs. Really? The only reason I started doing drugs was because at 16, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't tell anyone for a year. When I did tell my family, they didn't handle it well. And they said, we can't tell anyone. We need to keep it quiet or it will hurt the family. And I felt like I had no outlet whatsoever.
They put me in therapy, but I didn't want to talk about it.
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Chapter 8: How can boundaries change over time?
That's beautiful. That's really cool.
I love my kiddo.
That's really cool. Just wait till he's a teenager, right?
Yeah, I see that now. He's nine. He's in a nice little sweet spot now.
How do you how do you learn to let go of a relationship or relationships with people that don't respect your boundaries?
So this is the thing. If your boundary is you telling other people what you are willing to do to keep yourself safe and healthy. That doesn't always mean that the outcome is desirable. If you're talking about boundaries at work and they won't respect them, are you willing to transfer departments, go to HR, look for a new job?
If it's boundaries with a family member and they will not respect them to the point where it is seriously harming your relationship, your physical health, your mental health, Are you willing to cut that person off? Are you willing to take a break from them or seriously limit the way that you choose to engage with them?
We will communicate only via email and text at this point, not in person, not on the phone. You have actions that you are able to take, but that doesn't mean that those actions are always easy or always your desired outcome. And then what you have to ask yourself is how willing am I to let this person continue to harm me for the sake of preserving this relationship?
And like, what would that look like? What does it look like? And are there limits that I can set in between letting them run me over exactly the way they are and cutting off the relationship altogether? Because there are a lot of things I think that you could do in between. to preserve the relationship in a way that works for you.
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