Mercedes Coffman

And so a lot of the times a child will start turning inward and going, what did I do wrong?

How can I be better?

This creates a hypervigilant nervous system, which is I'm always alert to make sure that everybody is pleased with me, whatever room I walk into.

And then they bring that into dating where it's, oh, this person doesn't seem happy with me today.

What can I do to keep them happy?

And so not only is there self-abandonment that's been in the making for a long time since childhood, but now there is this dopamine every time this person looks at you, responds, even if it's days later, you are now biochemically addicted to this other person because your parents didn't give you the consistency to anchor into your own identity.

Absolutely.

I think that, and that's where I as a therapist oftentimes am heartbroken for clients like that because I know that their kindness comes from a wounded place, right?

The overextending comes from a wounded place.

The issue is that nobody really takes the time in everyday life to go, oh, this person's so nice.

I am curious what happened to them.

that made, like, how did they suffer deeply that made them now want to make sure nobody else suffers?

What people just go is, they're so nice.

Whenever I need a nice person, I'm just going to call that person again.

And we don't ask.

That's the thing.

I think that if I had to suggest or encourage anything, it would be check on your nice friends.

Ask them what they need.

Actually, don't even ask.

Just do nice things for them.