Mercedes Coffman

He never said that.

But because he didn't give you enough, now your brain is going to fill in the gaps with a fantasy that works for you.

And if we have to choose fantasy or reality...

we're much more likely to want to hold on to a fantasy and not be able to get over a fantasy than a reality.

I tell them not to be so hard on themselves because I think it goes back to the self-blame, right?

It's not that we like to say our picker is broken, but I don't think that our picker is necessarily broken.

I just think that our nervous system is starting from a dysregulated baseline.

And that's because modern day has conditioned a baseline that is determined by dysregulation.

There's so much uncertainty and there's not enough clarity.

And so what we're picking is probably going to be uncertainty.

We're probably going to pick based on intensity and chemistry.

And so I think that the people who feel like they have a history of misaligned relationships, I would say take a pause, do some self-reflection.

Therapy is always helpful.

I'm always pro-therapy.

And really kind of just learn what your patterns are and reflect.

Find out what your standards are because usually people who are bad picks or emotionally unavailable, they usually overstep boundaries.

They usually disrespect the person and we just kind of let it go.

So realign with yourself and what your standards and your boundaries are and you'll start picking better people.

Great question, because oftentimes people have a hard time setting boundaries because of fear of abandonment, right?

Which is pretty normal.