Michelle Chalfant
Appearances
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Our emotions are our superpower. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. We want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say eight out of 10 people, when I would ask them, Hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know. I feel angry. Okay.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Let me clear this up. If you do something, if I'm waiting for a parking spot, I'm going to Whole Foods or something, and I'm waiting for this parking spot and you come ripping it in your car and you take my spot, I'm going to be angry. And we'd be like, what the hell? I've been sitting here for five minutes. Like, why are you taking my spot?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
If I go in Whole Foods and I'm still thinking about it 15 minutes later, that's a trigger. So if you carry it with you and you can't stop thinking about it, you can't stop talking about it, that's a belief that's rising up to the consciousness saying, hey, you want to work with me or not?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
But sometimes we're just angry because someone does something mean, but if there's no trigger, if there's nothing to work with, you kind of forget about it and you move on. But let me get back to the story. So this woman, Came up in front of the... She got up and staged with me. I said, okay, what's going on?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but so fascinating because she had a coworker there with her. And she says, I have to admit, she's like this nurse manager or charge nurse or whatever she was, whoever managed the whole floor. She goes, she's horrible to everybody. She goes, I'm telling you, I just think it's her. And I said...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
if you didn't have a belief around whatever she's making you feel, she wouldn't bother you. I'm telling you right now, she wouldn't bother you. And so I worked with this girl up on stage and she said, What came out of it was this nurse was making her feel unseen and discounted.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And it went back to how her stepmother made her feel when her father married her stepmother when she was six or seven years old. And she sat up on stage and she was sobbing. Because I said, how does this woman... It took... I'm not kidding you, Heather. It took... five or 10 minutes to get to the root of it. I mean, this stuff doesn't take long. We just aren't used to going inside and looking.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And I said, you know, what is coming up? When you think about this nurse, this charge nurse, how does it make you feel? Well, I angry. She's a bitch. I said, go under it, go under it, go under it, go under it. And we can hit the root. I'm discounted. I'm not seen. I said, who does that make you feel like? Or who does that make you think of? And she said, my stepmother. I said, feel that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
She felt that she was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. And she says, I'm discounted. Nobody loves me. My father does not defend me. My stepmother is like a monster. She's horrible. I said, OK, so is it true that in the body you are today? And I don't remember. She might have been in her 40s or something like that. She was she was probably in her 40s.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
That's a mouthful. Thanks, Heather.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And she said, I said, is it true that you are still discounted? And this is how you do a trigger. You go through and you ask yourself today, in the year, whatever year it is today, is this still true that you are, whatever you're feeling, unseen, unknown, unlovable, all the things. And she says, well, no, I'm not discounted, you know. I'm married. My husband loves me. My kids love me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And her best friend was there with her. And she goes, and my best friend loves me. And I turned to her best friend. I go, does she, do you love her? She says, I adore her. I said, okay. I said, now feel that to the woman on stage. I said, feel that emotion. What does that feel like? She goes, no, I'm not discounted anymore. I said, okay, what are you instead? I said, feel the answer.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Don't think it, feel it. She said, I'm really accepted by so many people. Really, I have a lot of people that love me. I said, feel that. When you feel something versus thinking it, it anchors a new belief in your system. Oh my God, Heather, I can still see this lady. This was like a five-week course I was teaching. She leaves, she feels fine.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And she goes, well, the rubber will meet the road when I go back to work. She goes, I'm going back to work in two days. I said, okay, cool. I kid you not. This woman goes back to work. She looks at that charge nurse. She has no angst, nothing. And I think when I was doing this course, it was many, like 10, 15 years ago, I remember her, maybe it was like a week or two before we met again.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
She comes back, and her friend came in with her, and she goes... I'm not kidding you, Michelle. She actually likes the charge nurse. She goes, she hated her. She goes, I hated this woman for years. She goes, I actually like her now. She goes, there's nothing there. And I said, yeah, because the trigger's gone.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So that's the power of this work that most humans don't walk around this planet understanding that these beliefs are within them. And when we work with them, that's how quickly we can transform. I have the whole trigger process in the adult chair book. Like I break it down so simply. All you gotta do is plug in whatever your issue is. And I promise you, you can transform it. It is that simple.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I've done this for 20 years now. It's that easy. No joke.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Nobody. I'm not kidding you, Heather. It's that easy. But we, again, how many of your friends and family, how often do people call you and go, Heather, you're not gonna believe what happened. Do they ever say, Hey, so-and-so got really pissed at me. We just had an argument. Heather, can you just sit and listen and help me find whatever that belief is within me?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I think there's something inside of me. Most people don't do that, right? But what I'm hoping for is this like big paradigm shift around this because we need to. It is empowering and it transforms our lives and it creates emotional stability and it helps us to set better boundaries. All the things, all the things. But we don't know how to do that. Well, we weren't taught.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We're not taught that kind of stuff in school, for God's sake. We were taught AP physics, but we don't know how to handle our lives. You know, we don't know how to manage lives, but honest to God, Heather, it is that simple. The process is simple. Again, when people start doing it, they're like, well, you know, I feel like I'm hating myself. And I, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We're not hating ourselves. We're getting curious about what's going on in here. That's what we're doing. That's all we're doing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Totally, that's it. And people are blown away. They're like, oh my God, I was so angry. But when I went under the anger, I didn't know that it was because I was feeling not lovable. I've never had that conscious thought in my whole life.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yet, I've been walking around my whole life, obviously, picking partners, picking jobs, avoiding boundaries, all the things, because I'm walking around feeling like I'm unlovable. I had no idea. Everything exists, or let me say this, 90 to 95% of how we live is based on the programming in the subconscious mind. We don't even know it. We know what's just going on up here.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Five to 10% is the conscious mind. It's the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg is where the meat is. It's no different than we program our phones. We pull apps up. We got all these outdated apps. We'd have to update things. That's all that it is. Do we just need updating?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yep. You're dropping down. You dropped out. If you think about your beliefs or emotions being stacked. The first one is anger. Let's just pretend like, okay, I'm angry that that person said or did that to me. Okay, great. What might be under the anger? Just get curious. Like, what is it? And then people go, oh, that's so weird. I'm feeling like a loser. I don't, where'd that come from?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Or I'm feeling frustrated. Okay, what's under the frustration? Well, what's under that? And what's under that? And then you'll find your way to the root or the bottom and you'll say to yourself, oh my God, I really feel like I'm unlovable. It's so weird that I'm feeling that way. And then you ask yourself, is this a familiar feeling from the past, right? Oh yeah, you know what? When my father left,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
When I was five years old, my father died, my father left, my mother had cancer and was in the hospital all the time. I felt really abandoned.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And I realized this feeling that I'm having right now because of my boyfriend breaking up with me or my husband leaving me or whatever it is, is reminding me, the feeling I'm having right now is reminding me of what I felt when my father left when I was five. Wow. Okay, cool. There's the root. Feel it. We're not great at feeling our emotions.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Like I said before, like we're not great at getting in the body and actually feeling what's going on. Then you ask yourself, okay, is it still true today that I'm unlovable in 2025? Is it still true today? And some people will look at me. I remember it's my clients would go, yes, it is. Okay. Really? Okay. So does anybody love you? No, nobody loves me. Does your dog love you? Yes.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So some, there's some, there's an energy that does love you. There's a dog that loves you. So you can't say that. So how does it? Yes. My mother loves me. My best friend, whomever it is. So let's say it's your best friend. Okay. Feel that. How do you know that they love you? Oh, they're there for me. They treat me well. Yada, yada. Okay, cool. Can you allow yourself to feel that?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
What does that feel like in the body? We want to drop everything below the body. When we drop chin down, that's where everything changes. Most humans try to navigate life, what I call chin up. It's very head-based. Nothing changes in the head. Nothing changes. When we say, I'm just going to stop doing that, you can't stop doing that. We live based on programs, right?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So if the program is saying, you name it, like, I'm never going to work out. I hate working out. It's really hard to go work out, right? Or exercise sucks.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
you can't do that mentally or you might do it for like a week or two and then you go back to like screw it i'm not working out i don't want to do it anymore you got to change the program that's the limiting belief when you change those everything changes meet a different guest each week i ask you to try to find your passion
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, for sure. So boundaries is a word that scares people. You know, when I saw clients for many, almost 20 years, I would when I would say to somebody, hey, I think that you might need to set a boundary there. Their response, I mean, almost every time was, well, I'm not a confrontational person. You know, I can't I'm not going to say that. Wait a minute.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So I'd have to go into a definition of what the heck a boundary is. So a boundary simply teaches other people how we want to be treated, but it can also just be a simple request. Like, hey, I'd like you to pick me up a little earlier so we get to the party on time. It's just a simple request, but people are...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Which part? How does which part work?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, for sure. Well, our romantic partnerships bring up so much of our stuff. It's a playground for just working on our personal wounding. So you said you had a child, right? And it's easier to set boundaries with your child.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
They're not going to leave you. They're not going to go anywhere. They're yours. They belong to you. Your partner is not someone that may stay. They may go. They may leave you. So that in itself, there's fear present. There's fear present, right? There's, uh-oh, can I trust that you're going to stay? I don't know. Can I trust that? I would look again at what's coming up for you at the idea.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We can do it right now if you want. Like what's coming up for you at the idea of setting boundaries or sharing your reality with your partner, with this guy. Is it a guy you're dating? I mean, you're not engaged or anything. It's just someone you're dating, right? Okay. So what comes up for you at the idea of becoming more vulnerable with them?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
him right now like what comes up for you like opening up a little bit more just a little bit more and sharing a little bit more what comes up what feeling inside what thoughts fear of being left there it is fear of being left okay do you want to do this
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Okay, let's go girl. So fear of being left. So where does that show up in your body? When you think about, I'm afraid of being left.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
afraid, they don't want to set them, they feel guilty, they feel overwhelmed, they don't know how to set them. So yeah, so that's, that's all the boundary is. But I find that people, you know, if we don't have modeling when we're growing up, as far as how to set boundaries, or did you witness healthy boundaries in your life, we become adults, we don't know how to do it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
What's it feel like?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
How do you know?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So if your heart could speak, what would it say to you? Give it a voice.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, yeah. So fear of being left. Who's afraid of being left? So let yourself answer that question. If you realize that you are actually a collection of parts, all different ages, that are existing within us. You've got your little inner child part. You've got a teenager part. You've got an adult part and everything in between, zero to however old you are today.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So who or what part of you is saying to you, I'm afraid of being left?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
what age comes up for you when you think about that little a child yeah yeah yeah like zero to six like four yeah yeah like four years old okay was was she left when you were four oh yeah for sure yeah so are you able to see her or hear her like when you think about little you this for this little you i see an image you get it you see an image okay where is she she's so cute she's in a hospital
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
What else? And man, when we start penetrating what what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like, what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego. We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So she's in the hospital doing what?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Wow. Okay. So, so keep going. So when did she feel like she was afraid of being left around that experience?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Ooh. Okay. I'm going to ask you a question. So go with the first thought that comes to you. You ready? What's the earliest memory you have of being left?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So your mother left your father and it felt like your father leaving you. Great. Do you get an image of the little girl that feels this way?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Okay. Is she still in the hospital or somewhere else?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Okay. What is she doing?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Okay. Can you be you, the woman you are today, the mother you are today, right? Who's, I don't know. I'm going to make it up because I don't know you, but strong, solid, and unconditionally loving. Would you say you are?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Perfect. Go, if you can, in your mind's eye, just imagine being with that little four-year-old you that's in the house and her mother left your father, but it felt like your father left. Just go be with her. Do you see yourself in the house?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Okay. Does she see you, the woman you are today and the adult you are today?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So in your mind, just say to her, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. And I'm the grownup version of you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah. And what happens next?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah. So ask her what she needs. Just if you want to imagine yourself kneeling down or getting on the floor, then just say to her, little darling, or whatever you want to say to her, what do you need? I know how you're feeling. What do you need? And then what does she say back? Just go the first thought that comes to you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Great. So go ahead and hold her. So imagine yourself holding her and say, I'm here. I will never leave you. I will never leave you. And I'm safe with you. I will create safety. Whatever words she needs here, go ahead and say that to her. And then what happens next?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So ask her if she'd like to come with you to where you live right now.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So, so imagine, just imagine beaming yourself here, like, like way in the old days, like the Jetsons, just, just go bling. And there you are, you know, magic. We can take her from that house where you grew up and bring her to where you are right now. And she can just go off in your bedroom and say, I'm just going to finish this podcast interview and I'll be with you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And here's some, whatever crayons or whatever she wants to play with paper and Give her a little puppy or a cat or something to play with and say, I love you so much. I'm so happy you're here. I promise you, I will never leave you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So what happens to your heart now?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah. So if you were my client, I would say to you, this is now the work moving forward. This is your homework. Continue to check in with her. Continue to check in with her. Because at the root of you connecting with a partner has been in the past, not now, we just did this work. You just did beautiful work. So I want to say thank you. I know it was a vulnerable thing. But at the root...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
of you attempting to have a healthy relationship with another human was, I have a fear of being left. How in the world are you going to connect with someone authentically, unconditionally? And how are you going to attract someone in that can actually connect with you in a deep way if you've got that belief?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So I don't know what you're like in relationships. We don't have to keep going here. But just knowing that, think about how you then show up in relationships. Like, is there anxiety? Is there like, oh, my God, they're going to leave me. Ask yourself this. What do I do that's not authentic? in order to make sure they don't leave. Do I not say things? Do I not set boundaries? Do I get too clingy?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Do I, and this is, again, this is a very general thing that humans just do. If I've got an abandonment, I'm just gonna, if I generalize this, if it's an abandonment wound, which I would say that you have, In some way, again, I don't want to not use the words that use or being left. It's like, I'm going to manipulate and this sounds like a bad word, but it's not.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Of course, there are some people that are good at it, but I got to tell you, after doing this for over 20 years and working with people in live events, working with people in a private practice and membership, like all the places, more people than not are not great at boundaries. Now, let's talk about an entrepreneur. Let's talk about someone in business, a CEO, managing a big team.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I'm going to manipulate and control the relationships out there that I have, because I'm trying not to get left. So it's not a bad thing. I don't want you to for a second to judge yourself, but you're trying not to get left. There's a part inside of you that is programmed to be left.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So then what happens is the ego builds parts around that little vulnerable child and says, I will make sure that you never get left. I'm going to make sure that so-and-so calls me all the time or texts me all the time, or I know where they are, whatever it is. I don't know what you do, but this is a general thing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
A lot of humans will do this in relationships, but they're being driven by this little kid inside that's afraid to be left.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
It affects your entire life. Everything you do.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I remember working with this guy and oh my gosh, he just wanted to be wanted. That was his core wound. He was an unplanned pregnancy, right? So his mother had him out of wedlock, had him. He was not wanted. And he spent his whole life in relationships with women. overdoing, over everything. And he was Mr. Nice Guy. And I said to him, you've got to show up authentically.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So we had to go in and work with that little boy. I love inner child work. We went in and worked with that little boy and helped him to get unstuck because he didn't feel wanted. Do you think he set boundaries? Do you think he spoke up for himself? Hell no. He was Mr. Nice Guy. So I said, you can't even show up authentically in relationships. I don't care if it's at work or not.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
He had issues with his boss. He couldn't speak up because he was so afraid of getting fired, of, again, not being wanted, not being nice. But when we went in and worked with that little boy and actually worked with him feeling wanted and knowing like, okay, you can repair that wound. We can reparent any part of ourselves. You just reparented your little girl.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
They may set a boundary through yelling. through screaming, through threatening, those aren't healthy boundaries. Those are confrontational ways of getting people to do something that you want them to do. That's not a healthy boundary. It's not a healthy boundary. And that's how a lot of people think that boundaries go down. And it's not healthy. It's not healthy. So yeah.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And the more you do the homework and check in with her for 30 seconds to a minute a day or every other day, just say, hey, little sweetheart, or whatever word you want to use. Hey, little Heather, I'm here. I love you. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. That little part of you is going to learn, I'm not left. I'm safe, actually. I love it here. This part is checking in with me.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
This adult Heather, I like her. I love her. I feel good. I'm not going to be left. I guarantee you. And I guarantee it 100%. You will attract in someone different, or maybe you'll stay with this person. You will speak up for yourself. You will be happy. You will be more relaxed in relationships. Your whole world will change.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Again, we're changing the inner programming, that limiting belief that is walking and inside of you that you're walking around with all day, every day. It's crazy. But this guy, once we worked with that little boy, oh my God, he went from not being able to speak up, but he was a badass at work. I'm talking like president of sales. Like he was amazing. Couldn't speak up. He was amazing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
He then changed, everything changed. He became the CEO. Like it went on and on. It was amazing. He changed who he even attracted in relationships because he was stronger. It was crazy. It's like a domino effect, you know?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Absolutely. I love that. And that is where I go into trusting everything that's happening and everything is happening for us, not to us. Right. When we say, why did this happen to me instead of why did this happen or possibly why did this happen for me? It takes us from victim to empowered.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So yeah, people go, I can take care of myself. No, no, no. You don't need to do it like that. And it's not to say that boundaries need to be flowery. But a boundary might just be like, hey, Heather, you know, every week we go to this, or every month we go to the supper club, or we hang out with our friends on Friday nights. You always pick me up late. Can you please just pick me up early?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And you went there, you went to the empowered place and said, wow, look at all these beautiful things that happened. Right. Again, this is not a religious thing, but I firmly believe that our soul is going to set us up for all these things so we can grow, so we can crack our masks and drop and shed those masks so that we can live more authentically.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So when we get fired, when we get broken up with, when all these things that we think are quote unquote bad happen, ask yourself, I wonder why this happened for me. Because when we sit around and say, why did this happen to me? I don't know. We're so stuck in victim. You can't see your way out of it. Instead of why did I wonder why this happened for me? You can even feel the energy of that.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
It's like, wow, I feel empowered. It's not an invitation to judge anybody or especially yourself, but it's like, oh, I get it now. I get it. I needed to lose this mask. I needed a new job. I couldn't even see it at the time. That was a toxic environment. I needed to get out of there and I wasn't leaving. It happened for me. How perfect is that?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, well, you asked a couple different questions. So one thing is when you are starting to set boundaries and you're not quite sure how it's going to go over, I suggest putting what I call padding, and I write about this all in the book, in the adult chair book. It's like we pad the boundaries, okay?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So on either end of the boundary, I'm going to say, hey, Heather, I really love our friendship, and I love that we can share everything with each other, which is why I want to talk to you about what happened last Saturday, okay? I would love it if you would da-da-da-da-da. So thank you so much for listening to me. I love our relationship.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So it's like on the beginning and the end, it's like a sandwich sort of thing. You know, like in work when you're giving someone a review, it's like pro-con, pro-con. We want to sandwich it with some positives. So if you're in a partnership, you'd say, hey, I am learning a lot about you. You're vulnerable.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We need to learn how to get more vulnerable in our relationships and really share what's going on from our heart. Again, not airy-fairy. It just is. But to say like, hey, I'm really working on boundaries. And I'd like to bring this into our relationship, but I want to learn how to do boundaries in a really healthy way. Would you like to join me in this process?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, I want to become more healthy with you. Of course. Okay, cool. So give me some grace because I'm going to be clumsy when I do it. I mean, think about a little kid learning how to walk. They're going to fall down. We don't yell at that little kid when they're a year old. We give them grace. So when we're learning boundaries, we start with people that are safe or safer.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And we let them know, I'm learning how to do this. And I want you, Heather, to be able to set boundaries with me. And I want to be able to do that with you. This is a muscle we both need to work on. Yes. Yes. Cool. All right, let's go. Here's what I'm going to set with you. So that's how we start setting boundaries where it might be uncomfortable. I'm vulnerable. I'm going to pad it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Or hey, I don't like when you talk about my hair when we're, you know, blah, blah, you know. It could be anything, but it's me speaking up for myself. Instead of going to other people talking about what I want you to do, I got to go directly to you without yelling, without screaming, without threatening, without being confrontational.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I'm going to tell you again how great you are and how much I cherish our relationship. And then I set the boundary. I speak up for what I'm looking for, for what I want.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Totally. And I say this, people typically, like if I say to you, hey, Heather, I need to talk to you later. Are you around? How do you feel?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Like, oh crap. Michelle's so mad at me. It's like, or hey Heather, or if I text you, which is worse, texting puts people in fight or flight. When my clients would come in and they're like, I'm just going to text so-and-so and let them know how I feel. I'm like, do not text. You've got to do it over the phone or in person. You don't text boundaries over the phone. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
But if I say to you, hey, I need to talk to you later, you're like, oh, God, what did I do? I'm in trouble. Versus, hey, Heather, you know, I want to share with you blah, blah, blah later. Are you free at four o'clock? Yeah, sure. So we really want to make sure that people are what I call putting down their swords and shields. and doing the sandwich, it takes the defenses down.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
It's like, hey, I've got some things I'm learning. I want to share them with you later today. Are you free? Let's go out and have a coffee and we'll chit chat about it. Are you free? Yeah, sure. And your defenses are down. So the padding helps you to drop your defenses if you and I are going to have a conversation.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah. Go get the book. Just Google the adult chair. Google the, or excuse me, Google, go to the Adult Chair website and you will see everything there is to know. I do live events. I do online courses. The book is there. The book is at theadultchair.com forward slash book. You can buy it anywhere in the world because I have a lot of people like outside of the US that want the book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So you can get all those links there too. And yeah, this book has all of it in there. It's got the triggers. It's got the boundaries. It's got everything that you need in order to live your life as a healthy adult. It's got inner child work. Everything that you and I did today is in the book.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So I do find, I mean, I used to work with a lot of men and they'd say, my boss did this to me, or I realized I made so and so cry. I'm like, that's not a healthy boundary. Like, let's talk about how we set healthy boundaries. And it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Oh, my God. We are trying to get this model in schools. Because, again, we I mean, I know with my kids, I did the same thing. I'm like, you got to take the APs. You got to take the college credit in high school and all this crap. I'm like, these kids are graduating from high school. They don't know how to emotionally regulate themselves.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
When my boys were in high school, like their friends had so much anxiety. Everyone's on ADHD meds. It's like, what is going on? These kids are needing help. And so more importantly, the parents need to learn this, but also like give this book to kids because it's broken down so simply. Anybody can learn how to do this. Anybody. But that's the problem is we don't know.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Like I said, how do you set a healthy boundary? Who teaches this? We need to learn this in high school.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Thank you so much for having me. It's been so fun.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I want to back up because it's what I find that we are not in touch with are our true needs. So really, what is the need? We go right into, I want you to stop that. But if I say to you, hey, this really makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you please stop? I'm sharing with you what I need because it feels this way. That's very different than just, again, hammering that boundary in.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
You know what I mean? Oh my God, I lost your question. I'm thinking about, because when you were talking, the whole time you were talking, I was like, we're really out of touch with our needs and it feels uncomfortable. I think that was your question, why does it feel so uncomfortable? Again, we don't know how to do it. Who taught you, who did you witness when you were growing up?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Did you witness anyone that set these healthy boundaries with you? Or did you see, again, I don't know what your family was like growing up, but for me, my mom just didn't say anything. And when she tried, maybe my dad didn't listen. So she was ignored and then she just stopped. So then you go with the flow, and my mom would share with me how mad she was at my dad. I'm like, so unhealthy, right?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
But my mom was doing the best that she could, but that's how we are raised. So then we become adults, and it's like, well, how am I supposed to say that? I don't know what I'm doing. So then I become like my mom did or like my dad did with me, which is I'm just going to sweep under the carpet. I'm going to make an excuse for you and say – You didn't mean it. It's okay.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I'm just going to blow it off. I'm going to brush it off. No big deal. It's not healthy. It's draining. It builds resentment. It builds internal anger toward that other person. And that resentment, although we have a smell on our face, but that resentment builds and builds and builds. And that is then when we snap at people out of left field and like, what's wrong with you having a bad day?
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Oh yeah, no, I don't know what's going on. Sorry. It's hormones or it's whatever's going on, but really it's a pile of resentment because you haven't been speaking up all this, all this time.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We got to start with, oh my gosh. Okay. We have to start again. I go back to the needs. Like, what do you exactly really need? I know I don't like what you're doing. Something feels off in my body. When you showed up like that, when you acted like that, when my team acted like this, it made me mad. But here's the thing. Anger is actually a defense. Think about it.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
If I'm mad at you and I start yelling at you, you're either going to come back at me with more anger or you're going to shut down and do what I want you to do. So anger is a great emotion, but it can also be used as a defense to get you to do what I want you to do. Unhealthy boundary again. So what we want to do instead is really get in touch with what are you doing or what...
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
When I look at what you're doing or when I experience what you're doing, what does it make me feel? Again, this is not like airy fairy or mushy. It's like, gosh, you know, it really makes me feel like I'm not seen or I'm not heard or I'm invisible. So we want to start with getting in touch with what the heck I'm feeling. And then I share that with you.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I share that piece with you like, hey, Heather. I realize, you know, when you treat me that way, I feel invisible. It makes me feel invisible. Can we have a conversation about this? Can you please stop? Can you please stop saying that to me? So we don't know what we feel. We know to use just anger or we sweep it under the carpet. And we need to find that other way.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And the third door is let's start getting in touch with really what's going on underneath the anger and dive a little bit into that resentment and go, what the heck am I resentful for? Why are they irritating me? There's something in the irritation. And we need to learn how to turn toward the thing that's irritating us, the thing that's making us resentful, that person, that thing.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Get in touch within ourselves as far as what's going on, and then we share that. And that goes back to, even deeper, Heather, We don't know what we're feeling. Our emotions are our superpower. I used to work with high-powered CEOs. I worked with movie stars. I worked with people that were in when I lived in Nashville for 13 years. I had big executives come in.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I had all kinds of people that would come in. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. And we want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say 8 out of 10 people, when I would ask them, hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
I don't know. I feel angry. OK, what else? And man, when we start penetrating what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered. No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Triggers are one of my favorite things to talk about. And here's why. Triggers reveal... our unknown or unconscious beliefs about ourselves. So if, like we just did, like what? Yeah, so if, here it is. If I trigger you, if I say something or do something or don't say or do something, whatever it might be, I don't care who it is outside of you. What is actually happening is,
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
There's a belief inside of you that's rising up and it's presented to you almost on a silver platter, if you're willing to look. And that belief, and we all, every single human has these beliefs. Everybody does. And here's what's crazy. They're formed usually by the age of three to six at the latest. We all have beliefs.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Something like, I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I don't matter, I'm not seen, nobody listens to me. We all have that. Now, maybe I have a deeper feeling of I'm not lovable and you may have I'm bad more. Again, we're all a little different in that way. But we've all got those beliefs. We don't know what they are because they're not in the conscious mind.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
They're sitting in the unconscious mind. The reason they're in the unconscious mind, who the hell wants to feel them? So when we're little, we drop them down into the unconscious mind, so when we're triggered, those beliefs are rising up within us. And if we're willing to take a look at what it is that is rising up within us, we actually can start healing and turning those beliefs around.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And then we stop getting so triggered. We stop getting so angry. We stop having so much emotional dysregulation. We can start having more ease in our bodies. We have more peace. We have more happiness. But most people, what happens is when they get triggered, They blame the person that is triggering them. They yell at them. They get pissed. They tell them off.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And they go tell all their friends, like, can you believe so-and-so did that to me? All the things. And then all the friends and family validate you. And that beautiful belief that was sitting right there for you to look at, for you to transform, drops down below the surface back into the unconscious mind and it just sits there again.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
So instead, what we want to do is get curious about what the heck is coming up for me that is mine and start working on that belief.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
Yeah, and it's not about, and I love that you said that. That's a great classic example. But when people are pointing the finger within, I really want to stress this point. It's not about judging yourself ever. It's about looking inward with curiosity. That's all it is. Like, huh, I wonder what's going on here. I remember years ago, I was working with a group of people.
Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
The Emotional Intelligence You Were Never Taught with Michelle Chalfant
And there was a girl that had, a woman that had, she was a nurse. She'd been a nurse for 15 some years. And the nurse, the charge nurse, the main nurse on the floor, she said, she goes, she's such a bitch. I can't stand her. She irritates me. And you're telling me this is mine. I said, I sure am. I'm telling you, this is all yours because here's the thing. People can do mean things.