Michelle Chalfant
speaker
133 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Michelle Chalfant’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Our emotions are our superpower. When we learn how to touch and feel our emotions, they become our superpower. It's where we gain our intuition. It's where we gain our needs. We want to learn how to feel. And I'm going to say eight out of 10 people, when I would ask them, Hey, what are you feeling? Like, tell me what's going on inside your body. They're like, I don't know. I feel angry. Okay.
What else? And man, when we start penetrating what what's going on in the body, and I say dropping down below the chin, it's like penetrating the chin. Like, what's going on down here instead of here? Game changer. Game changer. We try to solve everything. We go into our ego. We try to go into the mind and fix it and change things and make you change so I don't get so triggered.
No, you got to go in the body. And that's a key element of setting boundaries again.
That's a mouthful. Thanks, Heather.
Yeah, for sure. So boundaries is a word that scares people. You know, when I saw clients for many, almost 20 years, I would when I would say to somebody, hey, I think that you might need to set a boundary there. Their response, I mean, almost every time was, well, I'm not a confrontational person. You know, I can't I'm not going to say that. Wait a minute.
So I'd have to go into a definition of what the heck a boundary is. So a boundary simply teaches other people how we want to be treated, but it can also just be a simple request. Like, hey, I'd like you to pick me up a little earlier so we get to the party on time. It's just a simple request, but people are...
afraid, they don't want to set them, they feel guilty, they feel overwhelmed, they don't know how to set them. So yeah, so that's, that's all the boundary is. But I find that people, you know, if we don't have modeling when we're growing up, as far as how to set boundaries, or did you witness healthy boundaries in your life, we become adults, we don't know how to do it.
Of course, there are some people that are good at it, but I got to tell you, after doing this for over 20 years and working with people in live events, working with people in a private practice and membership, like all the places, more people than not are not great at boundaries. Now, let's talk about an entrepreneur. Let's talk about someone in business, a CEO, managing a big team.
They may set a boundary through yelling. through screaming, through threatening, those aren't healthy boundaries. Those are confrontational ways of getting people to do something that you want them to do. That's not a healthy boundary. It's not a healthy boundary. And that's how a lot of people think that boundaries go down. And it's not healthy. It's not healthy. So yeah.
So yeah, people go, I can take care of myself. No, no, no. You don't need to do it like that. And it's not to say that boundaries need to be flowery. But a boundary might just be like, hey, Heather, you know, every week we go to this, or every month we go to the supper club, or we hang out with our friends on Friday nights. You always pick me up late. Can you please just pick me up early?
Or hey, I don't like when you talk about my hair when we're, you know, blah, blah, you know. It could be anything, but it's me speaking up for myself. Instead of going to other people talking about what I want you to do, I got to go directly to you without yelling, without screaming, without threatening, without being confrontational.
So I do find, I mean, I used to work with a lot of men and they'd say, my boss did this to me, or I realized I made so and so cry. I'm like, that's not a healthy boundary. Like, let's talk about how we set healthy boundaries. And it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.
I want to back up because it's what I find that we are not in touch with are our true needs. So really, what is the need? We go right into, I want you to stop that. But if I say to you, hey, this really makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you please stop? I'm sharing with you what I need because it feels this way. That's very different than just, again, hammering that boundary in.
You know what I mean? Oh my God, I lost your question. I'm thinking about, because when you were talking, the whole time you were talking, I was like, we're really out of touch with our needs and it feels uncomfortable. I think that was your question, why does it feel so uncomfortable? Again, we don't know how to do it. Who taught you, who did you witness when you were growing up?
Did you witness anyone that set these healthy boundaries with you? Or did you see, again, I don't know what your family was like growing up, but for me, my mom just didn't say anything. And when she tried, maybe my dad didn't listen. So she was ignored and then she just stopped. So then you go with the flow, and my mom would share with me how mad she was at my dad. I'm like, so unhealthy, right?
But my mom was doing the best that she could, but that's how we are raised. So then we become adults, and it's like, well, how am I supposed to say that? I don't know what I'm doing. So then I become like my mom did or like my dad did with me, which is I'm just going to sweep under the carpet. I'm going to make an excuse for you and say – You didn't mean it. It's okay.
I'm just going to blow it off. I'm going to brush it off. No big deal. It's not healthy. It's draining. It builds resentment. It builds internal anger toward that other person. And that resentment, although we have a smell on our face, but that resentment builds and builds and builds. And that is then when we snap at people out of left field and like, what's wrong with you having a bad day?
Oh yeah, no, I don't know what's going on. Sorry. It's hormones or it's whatever's going on, but really it's a pile of resentment because you haven't been speaking up all this, all this time.
We got to start with, oh my gosh. Okay. We have to start again. I go back to the needs. Like, what do you exactly really need? I know I don't like what you're doing. Something feels off in my body. When you showed up like that, when you acted like that, when my team acted like this, it made me mad. But here's the thing. Anger is actually a defense. Think about it.
If I'm mad at you and I start yelling at you, you're either going to come back at me with more anger or you're going to shut down and do what I want you to do. So anger is a great emotion, but it can also be used as a defense to get you to do what I want you to do. Unhealthy boundary again. So what we want to do instead is really get in touch with what are you doing or what...
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