Nick Martell

Trigger warning if you're sitting down right now.

You never forget your first Japanese toilet.

It opens up, the lights turn on, and it greets you like an old friend, Jack.

Which leads to Toto, the archduke of your undercarriage.

The sultan of the spritz.

Or simply the butt whisperer.

Yeah, these aren't our terms.

These are the analyst terms, by the way.

Toto, known among Americans as the makers of the high-end toilets, the porcelain throne that pairs well with your restoration hardware.

Nick, this thing's got rear cleanse, front cleanse, oscillating cleanse.

Keep going, buddy.

If you pay up, it has water temperature control, heated seats, and up to four user preset settings.

We're not describing a Cadillac.

That's a Japanese toilet we just described.

And it cleans itself.

as well as you.

Yeah, their website shows a roll of toilet paper liquefying into a cleansing spray of gentle water.

Which tells it all.

And despite my bidet bullishness, the stock of Toto has been an underperformer.

Yeah, besties, we jumped in T-boy style.