Nicole LePera

These emotional signals that are so important, they're going to have that voice and that idea that, oh, these aren't to be trusted.

I'm okay.

When maybe that signal of being not okay is an incredibly important signal that that child or adult needs to tend to.

version of that habit still to this day where

It's not that I have a shameful voice when I'm having emotion.

I immediately, and I had this habit since childhood, when someone hurts me to whatever extent because they're behaving explosively, abusively, or they're shutting down, I would almost zoom out of my experience of hurt, of anger, of sadness, of grief, whatever it is.

And probably no surprise, I became a psychologist.

I would seek to, in my mind, analyze, understand.

And I would often then land on, which I do believe to be true, oh, they're hurt in this moment, right?

They don't mean it.

They had this terrible thing happen in childhood or it's happening now.

And but what I have done is I've separated myself from my experience.

I've made their emotions and I've given them more compassion than I give to myself.

So I'm not even connected and I'm still learning how to pause and say, OK, I have the habit.

I might understand where your reaction is coming from, but I have to pause and sit in the hurt and.

And the boundary that I might now need to create because my emotions also matter.

And so I think we have all of these savvy ways that we've developed because what we're really talking about is a coping skill.

If I can't tolerate sitting in what I'm feeling, honoring what I'm feeling, again, if I didn't have that reflection back in childhood, we're going to do all of these things.

And even in society, right, I would celebrate it.

I could help so many people understand where things come from.