Nir Eyal

Could that be true?

Well, in my mind, I had rehearsed that when I did this nice thing for her, I expected her to give me effusive praise.

I wanted her to tell me how nice I was that I did this for her.

And when that praise didn't come, I lost it.

And I lashed out.

So who was being judgmental and hard to please?

Right?

And now there's a fourth perspective.

I am too judgmental and hard to please towards myself.

That when I put all this effort and things didn't work out exactly as I planned, I took it to mean that I was incompetent, that I was a bad son, that I wasn't capable of doing this very simple task of ordering her some flowers.

And so what had happened, this is called a misattribution of emotion.

We do this all the time.

That we feel something

And as soon as we can see someone to pin it on, that's the person who's causing that discomfort.

But really, it came from me, because I felt bad that I had messed up somehow.

So I was being too judgmental and hard to please towards myself.

I can't help it if the florist delivers crappy flowers.

It happens.

Okay, I won't order from them again.

But I lashed out at her because I felt bad about what I had done, that I took blame, that I didn't deserve to take.