Paul Brunson

But at the same time, what's the point in me stopping this moment to say something that's irrelevant and, you know, interesting. Very, very interesting. It's an important insight. You're talking there about diminishing conflict. And I was recording some stuff over the weekend where I was thinking about relationships. And one of the things I've really come to believe over time is that the

But at the same time, what's the point in me stopping this moment to say something that's irrelevant and, you know, interesting. Very, very interesting. It's an important insight. You're talking there about diminishing conflict. And I was recording some stuff over the weekend where I was thinking about relationships. And one of the things I've really come to believe over time is that the

The best predictor of a long-term relationship is how you are at conflict resolution. Yes. And there's this quote that I love that I've never forgotten that says, you can predict the long-term health of a relationship by whether each cut heals to 99% or 101%. Does your conflict make you stronger? I love that.

The best predictor of a long-term relationship is how you are at conflict resolution. Yes. And there's this quote that I love that I've never forgotten that says, you can predict the long-term health of a relationship by whether each cut heals to 99% or 101%. Does your conflict make you stronger? I love that.

And the big thing that I noticed in this relationship versus my previous relationships is there was this inbuilt... natural conflict resolution system based on who we were as people.

And the big thing that I noticed in this relationship versus my previous relationships is there was this inbuilt... natural conflict resolution system based on who we were as people.

And I say that because, like, she doesn't want to shout, she doesn't want to scream, she wants to listen. I don't want to shout, I don't want to scream, I want to listen. Which meant that from the first moment of conflict, we were able to resolve it and move on. Yes. Whereas in previous relationships, it was, like, two people that...

And I say that because, like, she doesn't want to shout, she doesn't want to scream, she wants to listen. I don't want to shout, I don't want to scream, I want to listen. Which meant that from the first moment of conflict, we were able to resolve it and move on. Yes. Whereas in previous relationships, it was, like, two people that...

were just broken records trying to get their point across at the other person.

were just broken records trying to get their point across at the other person.

Yes. Almost trying to win. Yeah. You know, so one is, I love that quote. I love that. And what I've found, and I agree, our ability to, and I say, you know, I'm careful with using the word management now opposed to resolve, given the research from the Gottmans around how 69% of these issues won't be resolved, but managing the conflict. There's two ways that we typically try to manage it.

Yes. Almost trying to win. Yeah. You know, so one is, I love that quote. I love that. And what I've found, and I agree, our ability to, and I say, you know, I'm careful with using the word management now opposed to resolve, given the research from the Gottmans around how 69% of these issues won't be resolved, but managing the conflict. There's two ways that we typically try to manage it.

One is we try to win the argument. That is the route that is always going to lead to a low level of satisfaction. The other route is to try to gain understanding about why your partner thought that. So it's just simply, I just want to understand, right?

One is we try to win the argument. That is the route that is always going to lead to a low level of satisfaction. The other route is to try to gain understanding about why your partner thought that. So it's just simply, I just want to understand, right?

All right. So here's what the research shows. Well, I will say this. When I was writing the book, I was writing a chapter on apologies. And I go to Jill and I say, Jill, how many times a month do you think I apologized to you? And she's like, hmm. You only apologize like every other month. So she's saying that I apologize about six times to her per year. And I was thinking, oh, this is terrible.

All right. So here's what the research shows. Well, I will say this. When I was writing the book, I was writing a chapter on apologies. And I go to Jill and I say, Jill, how many times a month do you think I apologized to you? And she's like, hmm. You only apologize like every other month. So she's saying that I apologize about six times to her per year. And I was thinking, oh, this is terrible.

Because the data shows the most successful partnerships, there's an apology every week. on average, once a week. And what I realized in the trap that I fell into, and I think a lot of men fall into this, is the threshold in which we believe we should be apologizing. So something will happen in the relationship, and I'll think, what do I need to apologize for that? It's just like, it is what it is.

Because the data shows the most successful partnerships, there's an apology every week. on average, once a week. And what I realized in the trap that I fell into, and I think a lot of men fall into this, is the threshold in which we believe we should be apologizing. So something will happen in the relationship, and I'll think, what do I need to apologize for that? It's just like, it is what it is.

So for example, I mean, the trash is always a big issue in my household, right? So I'm supposed to take the rubbish out or take the trash out, and sometimes I forget. Okay? I forget. I don't think it's apology worthy to forget to take it out. But I realize that's my threshold. But to my wife, that is a... I mean, there's World War III and there's not taking out the rubbish.

So for example, I mean, the trash is always a big issue in my household, right? So I'm supposed to take the rubbish out or take the trash out, and sometimes I forget. Okay? I forget. I don't think it's apology worthy to forget to take it out. But I realize that's my threshold. But to my wife, that is a... I mean, there's World War III and there's not taking out the rubbish.