Rick Sittig

Book a flight with a blind nine-year-old quadriplegic Make-A-Wish pilot.

Now, before you say no, you can fly LA to Honolulu first class for $11.

Maybe you're more interested in landing and living

Book a flight with a former Air Force One captain who looks like Jon Hamm.

That program is called Captain Hamm in the Cockpit.

No, it's not.

Captain Hamm in the cockpit is not a sex position, you pervs.

Shame on you.

There's a Make-A-Wish kid in that joke.

Light him.

Light him up.

I'm having a good day.

I got great news.

I just found out that Brad Pitt, international superstar, hot young girlfriend, sexiest man alive, just turned 62.

Which means tomorrow, Brad Pitt is getting a colonoscopy.

Now for those of you not hip to the colonoscopy scene, that's a medical procedure where you're stripped naked, laid out flat on a table with your ass elevated so that the proctologist, that's a doctor who majored in buttholes, can insert the probe.

Now the probe is a flexible tube and at the end of it there's a flashlight and a camera and scissors.

Let's say this is Brad Pitt's butthole.

The proctologist is going to ram that probe into Brad Pitt and go hard.

He's going to go hard and deep and just deeper and deeper and maybe pause for a second, take some pictures, look around.