Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Well, this episode is live from the Sagebrush Cantina in Calabasas, California, and Brad Williams. Very funny Brad's on there. We got some blah, blah, blah. We're going to do some ping pong balls in the hopper.
The guy who came up with and is the voice of Jack in the Box, that guy, that voice, that guy's major advertising guy, interesting guy, he's going to do five minutes of stand-up in this show. It's going to be a party. So we'll do all that right after this. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show.
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R niinku ravintolisä, H niinku hyvä, M niinku... Mikä se nyt oli? D, niinkuin Devisol. No justiisa se. Devisol D-vitamiinit löydät apteekeista. Orion Pharma. Hyvinvointia rakentamassa. Live from the Sagebrush Cantina in Calabasas, California, this is The Adam Carolla Show.
Adam's guest today, Brad Williams. Advertising legend, Rick Sittig. And the news with Rudy Poppage, plus an ugly sweater contest and a spirited round of blah, blah, blah, and now... Always miserable, but never depressed.
Adam Carolla!
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Chapter 2: How does the introduction of Brad Williams set the tone for the episode?
Yeah, and she just walked up to me and she handed me Taco Bell. And I was like, thank you, kind stranger. And she was like, somebody at this house bought fast food and had an adult bring it to them. And it was my daughter. Could you imagine pitching that to your family as like a nine-year-old? Like, hey, old fucks, know what I'm in the mood for? Something with fake cheese and lots of canola oil.
But you know what I'm not in the mood for? Moving. So why don't I just pick up this device you pay for and I'll just log on in and I'll get some poor, depressed, middle-aged woman to bring this shit straight to Her Highness's knees. Yes. And then I'll indulge it and eat. And when I'm done, I'll just throw it down. We'll get the Guatemalan nanny in here.
And if she doesn't do a good job cleaning up, we'll get another bitch from Guatemala because that place rolls deep with nannies. I imagine that's got to be like the ad from I think it was the 70s or the 80s where the American Indian with the single tear coming down seeing someone litter. That would be a Guatemalan nanny seeing someone eat Taco Bell. Right. Just like that is not food of my people.
Well, I do like the fact that the Latino women don't fuck around, which I appreciate, because one time, my nanny, when my daughter was about two or three, my nanny came up to me when I walked in the house and said, like, I have to tell you something. And I was like, what? She goes, I smacked your daughter. And I said, why? And she said, she spit on me. And I said, good.
And I went in the next room. By the way, guess who's never spit on another Guatemalan? She has had a successful 17-year run of not spitting on Guatemalans. Because an eighth of a second after the spit hit the nanny's face, the nanny's hand hit my daughter's face, and there was no more spitting activity ever again. Lesson learned, everyone. That's how you fucking create a society.
That's how you teach people. It's fine. There you go. Well, my Guatemalan nanny never slapped my daughter because as an Asian dwarf, that would have been a hate crime. Oh, God. Yes. Yes. I would have had her on the front page. Who would the Huffington Post support? They'd be so torn. They're like, oh, it's a Guatemalan, and we love them. We've got to support them.
But here is a disabled child, and they're getting in a fight. Who do they support? Oh, what is Sophie's voice? Well, I mean, listen, I don't want to get a dry race board out, but...
Guatemalan is above Chinese, because the Chinese are doing okay, they're affluent, so you got the Guatemalan part, then you have the female part, but the female part's a push, but then you have the disabled with the dwarfism, and that leapfrogs you ahead of the Guatemalan female status. I got the chart in the car. We can look at it after the show. I keep a laminate in my wallet sometimes.
And if it turned out the nanny was lesbian, then you could claw above the Chinese disabled daughter. That's very true. So you always have the lesbian in your hip pocket. And by the way... There's nobody that ever denies lesbianism. You know what I mean? I can't claim... Honestly, if I go, oh, yeah, I used to suck off my roommate in college, they'd go, get the fuck out of here.
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Chapter 3: What humorous insights does Adam Carolla share about his upbringing?
They have a lovely establishment called Taco Bell. They have a Taco Bell there. That's where it comes from. And you can drive your automobile through something called a drive-through, where they hand you the food. Through the window, a nice, heavy-set Latina will hand you the food. Through the window, and you'll be out of there for well under $12. Can you imagine? Calabasas.
I know you're like, where is this Van Nuys that you speak of? If you follow your nanny's home, that's where they go. They go to Van Nuys. They don't live here in Calabasas. They're like, no, they live up in Ventura. No, no, no. They don't. There's a level below Ventura. Another easy way to do it if you don't have a Guatemalan nanny to lead the way. I see a lot of hawks. Follow the hawk.
Follow the hawk south until it turns into a crow. When it turns into a crow, you're in Van Nuys. That's how you know. Yes, that is very true. That was a little surreal, but, you know, Brad likes a surreal joke every once in a while. I like a surreal joke, but I also like that... what you brought up of the tiers of the rating system. Because I always wondered, all right?
Because I've gotten, like... If you walk outside of a bar and you're going to your car in the parking lot and you see a man in a fight with a woman, you will instinctively go in there and help the woman. You will start beating up the guy. You will join. You will try to break it up. You will help the woman.
If you walk outside of a bar to a parking lot and you see an average-sized person kicking my ass, you will run and instinctively help me because you thought, well, that dwarf is innocent in this whole thing. What do you do if I'm fighting a woman? That is what I'm trying to say. Who do you help? Who do you instinctively help? You don't know what's happening here. It's a thought experiment.
The only answer is masturbate. That's really... That's all... We can do at this point. You can't choose sides. You have to just sort of enjoy.
Loosen that belt and enjoy the holidays.
I never knew this Pornhub category existed. And then that becomes your new fetish. Usher can no longer come unless there's a woman fighting a dwarf in his bedroom. Well, speaking of naughty tales, Brad, we were backstage and we were talking about New Orleans. Yeah. And it reminded me of this crazy story that one time Jimmy Kimmel and I went out to New Orleans to be the grand marshal of a parade.
for, you know, and it was Mardi Gras. And the thing that was funny about it is, I've told this story before, but it's bizarre. Tommy Lasorda was supposed to be the Grand Marshal of this parade. And you're supposed, you get on a float. For some reason, everything that has to do with the float and Mardi Gras is a pirate outfit. It's a pirate ship, you get in a pirate outfit. And
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Chapter 4: How does the conversation shift to advertising and its impact?
Whoever physically builds the pop-up book is much more skilled than the dumb shit who writes the children's book. I agree with this a thousand percent. Every comedian, once they have a kid, believes that they can become a writer of a children's book. And every person that's ever rubbed two brain cells together believes they can write a children's book.
Just like, oh, the grasshopper pushed the ball up the hill, and then he saw his friend, and then the friend said no, and then they got the ball together and they all had tea. The end. That's a fucking book. That's a book. And so here's the thing. For anybody who creates any form of art for children, you are not heroes. You're hacks who can't entertain adults.
whether that means you're in a band for children, whether that means you write books for children, whether that means you're one of the geniuses behind Dora the Explorer and other piles of shit that pollute my kids' heads, or Wow Wow Wubbzy, or whatever junk you're shitting out, You are not fooling this podcaster. You do not have enough talent to work with adults.
If you could work with Seth MacFarlane, you would work with Seth MacFarlane. But you're not funny, you're not smart, and you're not clever, so you do shit for kids, and then you get called a fucking hero at the cocktail party. Fuck you, you're a hack, most of your stuff sucks, you've hurt more kids than you've helped,
Dora the Explorer and Wawa Wubzies have done way more harm than they've done good. And I'll give you an example. All right. All right. I'm going to back this up. You ready? All right. When you have an adult, if somebody knows an adult who's impaired, badly mentally impaired, right? And then you go, oh, tell me about your Uncle Gus.
And then they go, well, Gus is 61, but he still lives at home because he basically is the mentality of a seven-year-old. So if you write books for seven-year-olds, you write books for retarded adults. There's no difference. That's what you do. Just say what you do. I write books for retarded adults. And now we know you're fucking a hack. And cash the checks and be happy. That's right.
I'm called a fucking hero. Basically what you're saying is the children's book author is the same as the guitar player from Maroon 5. Just say that you're doing an art for less intelligent people. Because the guy from Maroon 5... can't stand next to the guitarist from the Foo Fighters or Jack White and be like, we do the same job. No, you fucking don't. Or the guitar player from the Wiggles.
Yeah, exactly. Yes, oh God, I want to get to a party with Dave Grohl and the guitar player from the Wiggles just so I can stand in between them and have Dave go, that's so cute, and then rub his head. Yeah, exactly. Oh, what do you do? Here's what I do. I'm Dave fucking Grohl. Yeah. Where's my Game of Thrones rock and roll throne, by the way, that I like to rock for when I have a boot on?
All right. Let's do one more, Dawson. Do one more? One more. Oh, yeah. It's all on Dawson. Come on, Dawson. There it is. It's all on Dawson. Okay, what do we got here? We have, I mean, this is a very broad topic, but one that you are very familiar with. It just says love line. Love line.
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Chapter 5: What humorous observations are made about Subaru and its marketing?
Adam?
Yes?
Would this be a good time for me... Oh, is that one of your campaigns? For me, no. Oh, if you were funny, you'd go, that was mine. Maybe this would be a good time for me to tell, like, the third joke in my setup. Okay. Okay. I like cars.
seamless transition Subaru is an interesting brand with loyal followers 100% of Subaru drivers are gay or have dogs that's why Subaru has named its new SUV the groomer laughter well done everyone's very excited about the new interior it's stain resistant laughter
The fact that Jack's voice is doing this just makes it a thousand percent better. It makes it so good. Tell me you have seen the Volkswagen SUV commercial from about three years ago where the mixed race male gay couple kidnaps a sheep and raises it as their own. Have you seen that soft door piece of shit? I don't subscribe to that channel.
See, it's so funny because in my most recent comedy special, I jokingly said that commercials should lean in more to politics. They should just pick a side and fucking go with it. Tide should be lip-tied. You know what I mean? It makes all colors equally bright. And then it's like, well, what does it do for the whites? Nothing. It does fucking nothing for the whites.
And then I wanted the other side where we have conservative maxi pads. Just like, we are conservative maxi pads. We stand up and we will actually enhance your red wave. That's what I want. And I did it as a joke. Every company should just lean in.
And now it's actually happening where the Subaru has the lesbian couple with the dogs and then Dodge Ram is just coming out like, we're fucking Dodge Ram.
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Chapter 6: What are the comedic takes on political advertising?
We're taking our trucks right into the heart of America. Look at us drive in front of the Grand Canyon. Look at our truck run over an immigrant. That's what we do here at Dodge Ram. We are the conservative truck for the conservative male. Like, we're actually fucking doing that now, and it's crazy to me.
Listen, I told, you know, when Dr. Drew said to me, like, seven years ago, where are we heading as a nation? I said, safe spaces and octagons. Half the country is getting pushed into an electric car, and the other half is rebelling with a Dodge Ram pickup truck. And by the way, he said, where's the country heading seven years ago? I said, safe spaces and octagons.
There's going to be an octagon on the lawn of the White House in five months. That's how octagon we are. But Dodge, the voice of Dodge is Dana White. And they got Terry Crews doing donuts in the middle of a football field just burning fossil fuels and vulcanized rubber. So they're leaning into it. They're going the exact opposite way Dylan Mulvaney was going.
They have a new commercial where a bald eagle jerks off on a transgender person.
This is happening. This is real. Hand to God.
Hand to God. Hold on. Look it up. Look it up.
Yeah, AI has gotten really good.
Really good. Yeah. Someone's going to hear that at Dodge and go, let's fucking do that. That's going to be amazing.
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Chapter 7: How do the hosts discuss the evolution of celebrity culture?
Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly. Auto parts. Yeah. You know the jingle. Now get to know the guys over at O'Reilly and gals at O'Reilly Auto Parts. You want to be the guy on the side of the road, stuck on the shoulder looking like a dope? No, that's not going to be you this year. Friendly, helpful service people who actually know their stuff, not just some kid who'd rather be on his phone.
Always used O'Reilly. I mean, I like the way that O'Reilly smells. I like going in there, like the smell of car parts and vulcanized rubber and capitalism. turning wrenches. I like the way all that smells in there. Guys doing it for themselves. So whether you're a gearhead or you don't know a lug nut from a donut, they'll walk you through it. No attitude, just real help.
Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today, or you can visit us at OReillyAuto.com slash Adam. That's OReillyAuto.com slash Adam. Simply safe. Hmm. Yeah, I hit that point where I realized my security system was basically just a deadbolt in wishful thinking. And if that's where you're at, might I suggest simply safe? It's proactive. Traditional systems react after a break-in.
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I'm gonna circle back because it made me laugh, and I forgot to get back to it, but when Rick was talking about auditioning over 200 guys for the voice of Jack in the Box, I thought, what if Ted Koppel auditioned for the voice of Jack in the Box? You mean me, Ted Koppel, a famed newsman, Ted Koppel? You think I could be the voice of Jack in the Box? Well, just read a little copy.
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Chapter 8: What insights are shared about the 'ugliest sweater' competition?
All right. Sourdough Jack. It's got sourdough bread on it, meat, tomatoes, cheese, bacon. It's amazing. It'll get your dick hard better than Viagra. I improvised that line. No, it's good. It's good, Ted. I like what you did with it. What do you think the mayonnaise really is? Okay, Ted. What are you talking about? I think that's a good line. We're family oriented here. Oh, we're family oriented?
It's called secret sauce for a reason.
I would like, you know what I'd like to do? I would like to find... I put bacon potato wedges in my ass every night. All right, Ted, we got it. It's the only way I can come. Coming up next on Nightline, bacon potato wedges in my ass. I think...
The guy at Jack in the Box who invented the taco that's not a taco, but it's better than a taco, even though it's the worst taco ever made, deserves a star on the Walk of Fame. I don't know who figured that fucking... What alchemist, what hero, what genius came up with that taco, but he basically did what they did with a Twinkie.
Their task was to make the world's best, the world's shittiest pastry that's actually better than any pastry. And your job is to make the world's shittiest taco that's better than any taco. And if you're high, it is literally... It is kibble. If there was a kibble for high people, there was a special snacky... If there was a bakey kibble high food, that would be it. That is it.
Who is that genius? I'm going to shake his hand. And even with all the inflation that's happening, still 99 cents for two.
It's fucking ridiculous. The guy that came up with that is a genius. Because he found a way... to sell something for 59 cents that costs about 4 cents to make. And he understood that the only people that would eat that would be people who are really high at 2 a.m. at the drive-thru. Yes. And they built an empire on that.
Well, yeah, because now Jack in the Box, they're leading in. They have, like, the late-night munchie meal, where it's like, we know why you're fucking here. Yeah. Okay? You're high as balls. It's 2 o'clock in the morning. Every other place is closed. We're still open. It's between us and Taco Bell. We're leaning into the stoner mentality.
And you should buy... Yeah, fucking mini tacos, or as I call them. Tacos. Jack in the Box was always basically, essentially a fat whore. Which is... Look... Always open. Yeah. Always available. Always available. Very inexpensive. You know what you're getting. Upfront pricing.
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