Rob Dial

A survival strategy that started in childhood long before you ever had the words for it or knew what you were doing, you just unconsciously created this mechanism. And it's a coping mechanism. It's not like a character flaw. And I want you to understand that. So if you say, oh, I'm a very controlling person, it's not a character flaw. It's a coping mechanism.

Control issues don't just show up out of nowhere in adulthood. They are often early behavioral adaptations of a child that was in an environment that felt unsafe or unpredictable or emotionally chaotic. And so as a child, your brain had to figure out some way to make sense of the world.

Control issues don't just show up out of nowhere in adulthood. They are often early behavioral adaptations of a child that was in an environment that felt unsafe or unpredictable or emotionally chaotic. And so as a child, your brain had to figure out some way to make sense of the world.

Control issues don't just show up out of nowhere in adulthood. They are often early behavioral adaptations of a child that was in an environment that felt unsafe or unpredictable or emotionally chaotic. And so as a child, your brain had to figure out some way to make sense of the world.

And when adults around you were inconsistent in some way, whether they were emotionally unavailable or maybe they were severely overwhelmed themselves, what you did was an intelligent thing to do that any sensitive kid would do. You took on control on yourself unconsciously as a way to feel safe. And you did not feel safe, so you had to create some sense of safety on your own.

And when adults around you were inconsistent in some way, whether they were emotionally unavailable or maybe they were severely overwhelmed themselves, what you did was an intelligent thing to do that any sensitive kid would do. You took on control on yourself unconsciously as a way to feel safe. And you did not feel safe, so you had to create some sense of safety on your own.

And when adults around you were inconsistent in some way, whether they were emotionally unavailable or maybe they were severely overwhelmed themselves, what you did was an intelligent thing to do that any sensitive kid would do. You took on control on yourself unconsciously as a way to feel safe. And you did not feel safe, so you had to create some sense of safety on your own.

So let's pause here because it's a really big deal for you to understand. Children are wired to adapt. We're all wired to adapt. And so if the environment feels emotionally or physically unstable or unsafe, the child doesn't think to themselves, my parent is unsafe. Most of the time, the child thinks to themselves, I must do something to fix this.

So let's pause here because it's a really big deal for you to understand. Children are wired to adapt. We're all wired to adapt. And so if the environment feels emotionally or physically unstable or unsafe, the child doesn't think to themselves, my parent is unsafe. Most of the time, the child thinks to themselves, I must do something to fix this.

So let's pause here because it's a really big deal for you to understand. Children are wired to adapt. We're all wired to adapt. And so if the environment feels emotionally or physically unstable or unsafe, the child doesn't think to themselves, my parent is unsafe. Most of the time, the child thinks to themselves, I must do something to fix this.

That's the innocence of childhood is children tend to blame themselves so that they can keep the parental attachment intact. This is the reason why a lot of times when parents get divorced, children think it's their fault is because a lot of times they put it on themselves. That's the innocence of childhood. And so I want you to understand

That's the innocence of childhood is children tend to blame themselves so that they can keep the parental attachment intact. This is the reason why a lot of times when parents get divorced, children think it's their fault is because a lot of times they put it on themselves. That's the innocence of childhood. And so I want you to understand

That's the innocence of childhood is children tend to blame themselves so that they can keep the parental attachment intact. This is the reason why a lot of times when parents get divorced, children think it's their fault is because a lot of times they put it on themselves. That's the innocence of childhood. And so I want you to understand

That if you were in a situation that was maybe unsafe or unpredictable or had parents that were emotionally absent, a lot of times you don't think, oh, it's the parent's fault. You unconsciously think, I must fix this. So there's something wrong with me. And so we blame ourselves a lot of times so that we can keep that parental attachment intact.

That if you were in a situation that was maybe unsafe or unpredictable or had parents that were emotionally absent, a lot of times you don't think, oh, it's the parent's fault. You unconsciously think, I must fix this. So there's something wrong with me. And so we blame ourselves a lot of times so that we can keep that parental attachment intact.

That if you were in a situation that was maybe unsafe or unpredictable or had parents that were emotionally absent, a lot of times you don't think, oh, it's the parent's fault. You unconsciously think, I must fix this. So there's something wrong with me. And so we blame ourselves a lot of times so that we can keep that parental attachment intact.

So what does control look like when it's a child's tool for surviving chaos? Well, it could be something like being the good kid so that you don't rock the boat. It could be monitoring everyone's mood before speaking. It could be keeping your space really tidy because you feel like something was unstable. It could be trying to fix everyone else's problems that weren't yours to fix.

So what does control look like when it's a child's tool for surviving chaos? Well, it could be something like being the good kid so that you don't rock the boat. It could be monitoring everyone's mood before speaking. It could be keeping your space really tidy because you feel like something was unstable. It could be trying to fix everyone else's problems that weren't yours to fix.

So what does control look like when it's a child's tool for surviving chaos? Well, it could be something like being the good kid so that you don't rock the boat. It could be monitoring everyone's mood before speaking. It could be keeping your space really tidy because you feel like something was unstable. It could be trying to fix everyone else's problems that weren't yours to fix.

It could be becoming a people pleaser so that peace was kept in the house and nobody fought in any sort of way. And this wasn't about being mature for your age, which I know many of us hear when our children, oh, they're such a good child. They're so mature for their age. Really what this is is hypervigilance disguised as responsibility. Think about that for a second.