Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)
speaker
1,179 appearances
40 recordings
3 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Jun 2025
Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Ronnie Chang.
We got so much to talk about tonight. The Proud Boys are back in town. Donald Trump faces off against Jesus. And we sent Triumph to sniff the buttholes of the resistance. So let's get into another edition of the second coming of Donald J. Trump. It's only day two of Trump's presidency and already everyone is mad at him. I mean, guys, can you give him a minute? Let him sit down.
It started in the morning when Trump went to the traditional post-inauguration church service, which is not exactly his preferred way to start the day. It's never fun for him to be a guest at someone else's rally. And to make matters worse, the preacher was kind of preachy.
New executive order. We are banning church. Hey, Bishop, please, all right? We don't go to church to hear a lecture about having mercy on the less fortunate. That's not what church is for. And Trump was like, I only came here because I heard there were free crackers, and now I'm getting roasted by Tig Notaro?
He was probably looking up at Jesus on the cross and thinking, hey, you and me both, brother. To be fair, I mean, can you imagine going to church and the pastor is only addressing you? Like, this next sermon is about the sinners, the cheaters, the degenerate gamblers, Gary. The point is, no one has ever had a worse time in church than Trump did. And yes, I've seen spotlight.
And you could tell that he had a bad time because of the way he came out of the church super bitchy.
President, what did you think of the sermon?
Yeah. Does that excite you? Did you like that? Watching your president get lectured to by Bishop Rachel Maddow? Get your little liberal d*** card, you sick f***. And is this how we do presidential press conferences now? This is like TMZ at the Departures Hall at LAX. It's like, hey, Mr. President, hey! Mr. President, what do you think about Blake Lively and Justin Baldone?
But after getting yelled at by this church Karen, Trump was also getting yelled at by everyone just because he released hundreds of violent insurrectionists back into the streets or something. And yeah, okay, they beat some cops and broke some windows, but they were doing it for him. No one seems to understand that, and the media won't shut up with these unfair gotcha questions.
We'll take a look at everything. Shouldn't you look at it before you issue the pardon? It's like step one, release the prisoners. Step two, look into which prisoners we should release. nailed it. So part one of his answer about this whole Gen 6 thing is we'll take a look, which is Trump speak for we will never look at this again. But if that doesn't satisfy you, he has another reason.
See, some murderers aren't in jail, therefore nobody should be in jail, okay? Also think big picture here. If he lets these violent criminals go, there's a chance they'll kill the other violent criminals and then they'll just cancel each other out. And to be fair to Trump, he has been campaigning on releasing the Gen 6 prisoners for years now.
Everyone just assumed he didn't mean the violent ones, which would mean going through all the cases one by one, but that's not really Trump's style.
The case-by-case review was onerous. Trump's staffers wondered whom to pardon and who might slip through the cracks. Time was running out heading into Inauguration Day. As Trump's team wrestled with the issue, Trump just said, F it. Release them all.
I have never related to Trump more. All right. This PDF is 400 pages? Okay, it. All crime is legal. And look, you can't expect someone to go through all these cases one by one. I mean, the FBI did, and the prosecutors did, and the judges did, and the juries, and the paralegals, and the person who types on that weird little typewriter no one else knows how to use. But Trump is busy, okay?
It's much easier to just click select or delete. So in the very first seven hours of the Trump administration, we already have our first big controversy, which of course leads to the classic ritual of a Trump presidency. He does something crazy, then Republicans get asked about it, and they're like, what? I didn't see it.
We're talking about people that were beating officers with fire hydrants, with metal batons. Is that acceptable to you? Those people were pardoned.
It's on video.
Yo, no spoilers. Tommy Tuberville didn't watch Jan 6 yet, okay? He'll get to it, but there's just so much to watch these days. You know, he's still got 9-11 and Benghazi on his DVR. I mean, you were a senator on Jan 6. Like, what do you mean you didn't see the insurrection? You lived it. This is like a Titanic survivor saying, I haven't seen the movie. Don't tell me what happens.
So, to sum up day one of Trump's presidency, church is bad, beating cops is good. So I guess he's a Democrat now. For more on the Republican reaction, we turn to Troy Iwata, everybody. Troy. Troy. All these Republicans are pretending they haven't seen footage of January 6th. I mean, shouldn't they be embarrassed?
Okay, I've never heard of that. But what about the rest of them? Does Senator Tuberville also have this face blindness?
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