Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

Nobody's texting war plans. Okay, great. Couldn't be more clear. Nobody was texting war plans. You hear me? Nobody was texting war plans.

Nobody's texting war plans. Okay, great. Couldn't be more clear. Nobody was texting war plans. You hear me? Nobody was texting war plans.

Okay, look, just because you write in all caps, this is when the first bombs will definitely drop, doesn't mean there are war plans. Okay? This is Pete Hegseth. Maybe he was talking about Jaeger bombs.

Okay, look, just because you write in all caps, this is when the first bombs will definitely drop, doesn't mean there are war plans. Okay? This is Pete Hegseth. Maybe he was talking about Jaeger bombs.

If you ask me, that looks a lot like a plan for the war. It had military time and everything, okay? It had more details than you get from DoorDash. And those guys tell you everything, all right? 8.56, we have received your order. 8.59, we are preparing your food. 9.06, we accidentally dropped your food. 9.07, actually, don't worry about it. We're on our way.

If you ask me, that looks a lot like a plan for the war. It had military time and everything, okay? It had more details than you get from DoorDash. And those guys tell you everything, all right? 8.56, we have received your order. 8.59, we are preparing your food. 9.06, we accidentally dropped your food. 9.07, actually, don't worry about it. We're on our way.

So I think it's a war plan, but what the hell do I know? I've never seen one before because no one's ever been dumb enough to put one in a group chat with a journalist. But maybe... Maybe it's a... Maybe this is a good thing, okay? The receipts are out, so we can call a spade a spade and admit that these are indeed very specific war plans.

So I think it's a war plan, but what the hell do I know? I've never seen one before because no one's ever been dumb enough to put one in a group chat with a journalist. But maybe... Maybe it's a... Maybe this is a good thing, okay? The receipts are out, so we can call a spade a spade and admit that these are indeed very specific war plans.

Oh, man, Janine must be a nightmare to make plans with. Hey, you said meet at Chili's at 7, but where's the f***ing longitude? Like, stop pretending you need some arbitrary detail to make it a war plan, okay? It's like saying, this wasn't an orgy. We didn't have the pink feathers and the eyes wide shut mask. Well, they're more than three dicks. Then it was an orgy, okay?

Oh, man, Janine must be a nightmare to make plans with. Hey, you said meet at Chili's at 7, but where's the f***ing longitude? Like, stop pretending you need some arbitrary detail to make it a war plan, okay? It's like saying, this wasn't an orgy. We didn't have the pink feathers and the eyes wide shut mask. Well, they're more than three dicks. Then it was an orgy, okay?

Everything else is semantics. You know what? You tell me. If having a detailed schedule plan of attack is not a war plan, then what is it? Do you think these are war plans?

Everything else is semantics. You know what? You tell me. If having a detailed schedule plan of attack is not a war plan, then what is it? Do you think these are war plans?

Whoa. What is war, man? It's just raw spelled backwards. I think it was Shakespeare that said, what is in a plan? That which we call a war by any other name would accidentally get texted to Jeffrey Goldberg. For more on this stupid argument, we go live to the Pentagon with senior war correspondent Michael Kosta.

Whoa. What is war, man? It's just raw spelled backwards. I think it was Shakespeare that said, what is in a plan? That which we call a war by any other name would accidentally get texted to Jeffrey Goldberg. For more on this stupid argument, we go live to the Pentagon with senior war correspondent Michael Kosta.

Hey, am I crazy or are these very clearly war plans?

Hey, am I crazy or are these very clearly war plans?

Okay, then, why don't you enlighten me with your military genius? If that's not war planning, then what is it?

Okay, then, why don't you enlighten me with your military genius? If that's not war planning, then what is it?

Holy shit, is that a war plan for Canada?

Holy shit, is that a war plan for Canada?