Ronny Chieng

Mr. President, can you please stop putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket inches from my genitals, as well as my back pocket inches from my butthole?

You know, I would have assumed that the party theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't know, America.

But I'm sensing from the party decorations that a different theme is emerging.

The commemorative national park passes for our country's 250th anniversary feature an image of Donald Trump alongside one of George Washington.

Oh, come on.

Your face on the park passes?

I go to national parks to get away from your face.

And... and...

And to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction of the cat.

They are so stupid.

Okay.

Commemorative coins and park passes will come and go.

One day they'll all be lost to time.

At least nothing he's doing for America's birthday is permanent.

Can he play with his model replicas in the basement like a normal, demented grandpa?

Can we stop with these self-aggrandizing celebrations like you're some Roman emperor?

What's next, gladiator fights?

President Trump announced a UFC fight will take place at the White House on June 14th.

This is what it will turn into for UFC, with the octagon in the middle.

What in the name of Caligula's is happening?