Ronny Chieng

Blood sports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength.

It's literally the first sign of a declining empire.

Number two, of course, is starting a war in Persia.

Oh, shit.

Look, it's pretty obvious that President Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself, but we can't let him.

This is America's birthday.

It's not about one man.

It's about our country and its ideals.

So forget the empty, jingoistic posturing and find your own ways to patriotically party down.

Go to historical reenactments, or better yet, do your own.

If you've never thrown tea into a harbor, you have not lived.

Or get into a fist fight with an actual British person.

Dibs on Cumberbatch.

Or hell, forget that.

Go into one of those national parks.

Celebrate America's natural beauty.

And while you're there, get in your birthday suit and partake of some tasteful lovemaking with someone you care about.

Dibs on Cumberbatch.

My point is, technically, you will be having a loving, patriotic three-way with America.

And that is how you celebrate a birthday.