Sabrina Zohar

But to all the guys out there, I can tell you this right now. Women have no idea what the fuck they're doing either. I can tell you that with certainty.

Men are the one who get to make a decision. I feel like no guys like me. And honestly, what I see more often than not is like, we just keep going for the opposite of what we're not receiving, right? So for a lot of the women that keep going for these emotionally unavailable men, the one that are discrediting him, listen, of course we all want the 1%.

We all want the 6'5", tall, blue-eyed finance, right? Like every girl wants a Helmsworth. But then we also have to look and go, well, who am I, right? Like, who am I to show up and say, oh, I deserve all of these things. Same with men. It's anybody, right? You got to kind of understand what's realistic in life. But to all the guys out there, I could tell you this right now.

Women have no idea what the fuck they're doing either. I can tell you that with certainty. Women are equally as anxious, equally as unsure, equally as insecure. And if you're going after the women that are avoidant or being dismissive or pushing you away or shutting down, please stop internalizing as that's you because I'm here to let you know that is not about you. That's their bullshit.

That's their own core beliefs. That's their childhood. That's their trauma. And that's their projection onto you. Now, that's not to say that we can't take accountability of our own behavior.

But when we are so scared, when we're so crippled by fear, like my friend Masha, she's a brilliant nervous system coach, and she always asks me, are you running towards a goal or are you running away from fear? And I'm always like, well, what's the difference? And she's like, let's talk about it. When you're running towards a goal, you know it's going to take time.

You know that it's going to take patience. You know that you're building something, right? So you're building towards something. When you're running away from fear, there's a dysregulation. You're always in survival. You're always trying to get some kind of safety.

and what's so important is creating that internal safety so that you go on a date and it doesn't align and this woman doesn't get your sense of humor she doesn't like that you're more introverted and shy let her go fucking kick rocks without shoes she's not your person you don't need to change who you are to get someone else i'll tell you baby i have my partner now because i've always been me i'm unapologetically showing up like this and if you don't like it that's not my fucking problem everybody is welcomed but it is not my job to keep you here

And I want everyone to embody that because who you are is amazing. But I need you to believe that because I can't be the one to tell you that.

See you later, alligator. It's also the thing. You want to know why the cool girl and the nice guy don't actually get what they want, right? It's because they're one-dimensional. It's not sexy to have somebody that doesn't say no, right? I don't want, and as a straight woman, I'm talking men, and you're a straight man, so we can talk in those heterosexual norms.

And of course, this is open to anybody. None of this is genderized. It's just that I'm speaking in those norms. But when we really look at it, If we're actually like objectively removing ourselves from all of these aspects, it's like who I am doesn't need to be validated by other people if I know who I am.

And so when we're constantly trying to show up, right, the cool guy or the cool girl, she doesn't have boundaries. She's not going to say no. Oh, my God, whatever you want. I'm just down to do whatever you want. You cancel plans on me last minute. It's cool. Whatever. Like, I'm not going to make a big deal because I'm not going to push you away by being too much.

And then the flip side, the nice guy. Sure, whatever you say, wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do. You want to walk all over me? No worries. The reason those people fail is because, again, it's one dimensional. It's really attractive to hear that doesn't work for me.

oh did you just say no to me oh you have boundaries oh hi hey i think you're really lovely but like especially let's talk about the texting thing for a second yeah because i know a lot of my dudes don't know how to navigate this and i know a lot of my girls are highly fucking anxious and don't know how to navigate this so allow me to kind of help if i can you don't have to do something that feels authentic you don't need to text a girl every morning good morning just to make sure that she's still gonna like you because what you're doing is you're on a dopamine loop

The biggest issue I see is this. There's no rules, right? Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. Nobody knows who to listen to, what to do. And I see a lot of confusion because at the end of the day, you don't owe anybody a text before you've established a relationship. So if you're dating somebody, like when I first started dating my partner, I was highly anxious, right?

I still had my anxiety. I was working through it. I was so much more secure, but we weren't texting a ton. And I asked him and I said, hey, you know, after maybe like a month, I said, you know, I'd really love more texting in between our dates to feel more connected when I'm not with you. And he wrote the most. And this goes back to like not being the nice guy.

He wrote back a text with the most beautiful boundary saying, hey. Great to hear from you. I want to just be clear. This is not a sign of my disinterest. I work in tech and I stare at computers for nine hours a day.

The last thing I want to do is get off my computer and now be on a mini computer, building a relationship with somebody when I have my dog and my friends in front of me that I'd like to be purposeful with. I would love to take you on a date this week and get to know you in person, but I completely respect it if that doesn't work for you.

and i was just like oh my god that's so hot and we and we caught we talked about it he said how about i call you and so or facetime you a couple of times a week instead of texting and like then as we started to date more like to this day he hates it and the what i see more often than not is this wild false sense of intimacy i feel a lot of men feel they have to text every morning good morning and they have to do stuff to keep the girl interested and it's like if

if you're going to date somebody who is so anxious that if you don't text them a good morning they're going to end it with you i would highly suggest you seek another partner because that's going to be the least of your problems if this person cannot regulate their nervous system for a couple of hours and sit in some discomfort that you have a job and a life and cannot respond to them immediately and this is the flip side if any of my guys are listening saying oh i do that to people then it's time to look at what does the texting signify

Is it your nervous system saying, well, if they text me, they like me, duh, right? No. Plenty of people could text 30 people in a day and have no intentions of building a relationship. My suggestion would be focus on what makes you feel good and how you can show up sustainably. Stop engaging in these constant text battles. Set some fucking boundaries. Hey, I'd love to get to know you in person.

I'm incredibly intentional about the way that I date, but I'm not trying to create a false sense of intimacy on the texting. Are you free this week? Let's have a FaceTime vibe check. Do what you can within your power to show up authentically, but then the rest is not up to you.

How the other person handles things, okay, I get to determine if that works for me, but I do not get to determine what they do and how I can control their actions.

Honestly, I was going to say, I had somebody write in this morning. He was a gentleman saying, I've been dating this girl and I get a lot of dudes that write in because there's confusion from everybody. And he said, I've been dating this girl and she's super, like we've only had two dates, but she's super aloof.

And I've consistently tried to like, he's like, I sent her flowers and she felt that was too much. And I was like, yeah, because it is. I was like, you had one, you had one drink and then one coffee date and like you barely kissed. I was like, flowers is really, it's a lot.

I was going to say, you know what I'm saying. And she told him, like, I don't feel comfortable with this. Then he said when she was sick, can I bring you stuff? She was like, no, I don't want you to come to my house. I'm not feeling well. He then said, can I see? He won't stop. He's not respecting that she keeps saying, like, please, I'm not interested. And then he said, can I see you again?

And she goes, no, I'm not interested. So then he writes me, what can I do to get her back? How can I get her to start texting me again? Now she's getting dry with texting. And all I hear is self-abandonment. I'm not shaming him. This is not about putting him down. This is about helping so we can go, oh, fuck, I do that. That is self-abandonment because you want someone else to choose you.

Let me tell you this. If you say, if I don't text this person, they're going to forget about me or I won't hear from them, you've already lost them.

What is this, Barcelona?

absolutely i and the reason i'm always so big on sharing the low points is because i think we see such a highlight reel right like you look on instagram and you see how everybody's happy and you see how everybody's successful and thriving and oh look i got rid of my anxiety and it's like but nobody's showing you like when you lift the veil and start to see the cracks what's really going on right and for me for years i was single i lived in new york for 12 years and then i moved to la and i really thought that was going to be better for my dating life and then i very quickly found out like it wasn't

That's a lot of projection, right? And I see that with women all the time of like, well, it takes 10 seconds to send a text message. And it's like, no, girl, that's not fucking owed to you. Just because I have my phone in my hand all day does not mean I have to give you access to me. You can message me. I have 1.1 million followers on Instagram. Anybody can DM me.

That doesn't mean you get access to me. That doesn't mean I have to answer or that I owe you a response. And I think we've normalized this of like, well, I should have 24-7 access and you need to text me and you need to quell my anxiety and you need to tell me everything's okay. When that guy, what he did was... completely disrespectful. But he filled in the blanks with his own projections.

And he filled in the blanks with, you're ghosting me. I knew it, right? Because he's saying, she doesn't like me. She's not going to be there. Instead of learning and saying, you know what? Let me just see how this plays out. It might be uncomfortable, but let me go for a walk. Let me keep myself busy today. And you know what? Here's the thing.

If she ghosts me and I don't hear from her, I'll take myself out to dinner tonight. Kick rocks.

Kick rocks.

That's it.

And it's just going to be, or I would see like a foot and then just a bunch of rocks.

I could not agree more. And like to that point, like I don't know if you hear this, but I'm really tired of this like toxic masculinity, high value man thing.

you know i think it can confuse a lot of people but let me be one to clarify your value doesn't come by how much money you make your value doesn't come by the car you drive your value comes by your morals your ethos and ethics and if you're saying well if i were taller or more attractive or more successful then i'd get all these girls you're kidding yourself because i can tell you i have the most i have some very very good looking clients that are still lonely and sad because just because you're attractive it gets you in the door doesn't keep you at the table

Who you are matters more than what it is that you're trying to sell people on.

Excuse me. So the funny thing is when I met him, Clem had passed away like three weeks prior. I was so, yes, I was so not in any, I mean, that was my best friend of 10 years. Like this was my everything. And he was my object permanence, my safety, my regulating tool. Like I did everything with him. You saw Clem, you saw me. It was like a shadow. And so I lost myself, frankly speaking.

And at that point I was coming down to San Diego to see my sister. I was looking at apartments. I was like, I think it's time for me to like make a change. Let's get out of LA. I don't need to be there anymore. I'm not happy there. And so when I came down here, I had all these guys matching with me. And when I saw Ryan's profile, cause he matched with me, I used it passively.

I was so not in my head. I didn't have the time to swipe. I just wasn't there mentally. And the first thing that caught my attention was he wrote a paragraph. He didn't heart a fucking photo. He didn't talk about my looks. He didn't mention anything about my appearance. He pulled something from my profile that said I was new from New York because I'd like moved from New York.

And he started a full conversation of like, hey, you know, blah, blah, blah. Like I see you're from New York. It's funny. I'm born and raised in Encinitas, but I actually lived in San Francisco for 10 years. A lot of people tell me I sound like I'm from New York. What are the differences that you've seen?

Like he asked questions that I was like, whoa, this guy's like genuinely giving a shit about getting to know me. Yeah. Then I went on his profile, outside of him being 6'4", right? Like he's a tall guy, but like he's not my type. I go for the same cookie cutter. It's my mom used to say, she was like, it's impressive. You find them no matter where you go. They all look the same.

There's just a different name. And they're tall, tattooed, six pack, blue eyes, blonde hair. Like they all were carbon copies. Ryan is incredibly attractive. He just wasn't that. And not in a negative way. And when I first looked at his photo, I'll tell you the couple of things. One, he had a diversity of photos. He had one dancing with his grandmother and I was like, oh, he's goofy.

He had one with his best friend on the top of a mountain about to like jump off and skydive. I was like, oh, he's adventurous. He had one of him. This is a big one. The crown and his chin were within 10 degrees of the photo. It wasn't an angle. It shows it shows that you are secure when a photo is directly onto your face.

And I was the poster child for that severe anxious attachment. Like if I didn't get a text message back within a couple of minutes, that said I was smiling, I'm crying, I'm hyperventilating on the floor. And it really stemmed back from childhood, right? Just so much trauma. I grew up in a really, really just unhealthy, chaotic and very just fucked up childhood.

So if you have it above 10 degrees of your forehead, that shows insecurity, right? Think about how many times you do the angles, right? You're hiding something. And his profile had depth. One of the questions he asked was, what's something that you've changed your mind recently about and what prompted the change?

And his response when I asked him, he was like, I want to see how growth-minded people are. And I was like, I love that. his his we talked for an hour on hinge very good conversation it was of depth he asked questions i asked questions back it wasn't wyd or it was up hey was it texting back and forth just for on the app you know when you first messaging on the back and forth right okay

And then after an hour, he said, can I get your phone number if you're comfortable? If not, I can make the plan here. Can I take you out? I said, great. We barely had a text. The texting was all of 10 minutes back and forth. And he said, listen, I'm putting my phone down. Not interested in being on text. Can't wait to meet you. We didn't talk for a couple of days.

I didn't know if I was going to meet up with him. He confirmed the date. He said, I will be there at 10. Day of, I texted him. I had to change the plans. No problem. The reason I really that he was the only one out of like 10 guys. You know, when you're new to a city, you get all the people. The reason I gave him the opportunity was because he showed up differently.

He asked questions that were different. And to this day, when I ask him, what made you choose me? And people ask him all the time. He was like the question she asked me on my first date. I asked him, how'd your last relationship been? And what did it teach you about yourself? I don't care about your ex. I want to see the accountability you take. I want to see how you speak about people.

How did you grow? I want to see exactly what did change about yourself? What did you implement? Do you want children, marriage? I wanted to make sure I'm not wasting my fucking time because if he told me I want 20 kids and I'm here going, I don't even know if I've won, we're not compatible. I wasn't scared of being myself and we just had a nice time.

We hooked up that night and I left going, this guy was great and if I see him again, cool. And if not, this was fun. I released control to the outcome and I allowed myself to show up authentically and I allowed him to. His profile stood out above a sea of pineapple on pizza. Like, or I'll fall for you if you trip me. It's like,

stop googling what to put on your fucking profile and stop asking i have had so many men send me that they use chat gbt to make their profile and i can tell it is you're not fooling anybody right and if you improve your profile and say i don't get a lot of matches that's okay at least you're authentic women don't want to date how from space odyssey they want to date that actual man and that's unfortunately what chat gpt will create if you let i ai write your profile

Exactly. It's not real. It's not you. It's not being the person that I want someone to fall in love with who I am, not the version of who I pretend to be. And that's why we then feel, and my partner and I went very slow. I was the first person to say, I'm not, he asked me to be his girlfriend twice. And I said, no, it took me about four months until I was like, okay, because he's more introverted.

He's a bit more avoidant leaning. He's

more interior inside i'm more as you can see hello i don't shut up and it just took us a minute to see if we jived authentically and that's okay it's not a negative to go slow it's not an excuse for bad behavior if people have chemistry different kinds of chemistry and it takes a little bit of time to find out what kind of chemistry you have if any exactly they might not be your type off the bat but that's not a bad thing that was great everything you said about what

so then I became an adult and well I grew up I don't know if I became an adult quite yet I moved to New York I was pursuing all of my stuff and I went to acting school and then I dropped out I went to fashion school and then I got a career in fashion and just realized I hated it and along the way I started my clothing company after my mom got sick and it was this whole beautiful story and that was like my first rock bottom that was the first time I ever realized my anxiety was the problem

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And it didn't mean that I was, it meant that something in my body was causing issues. And dove in, started therapy, married my father, the man that was an exact replica. And of course, as we know how that ended a year later, I was- You had a tall dad, so let's get a tall husband, right? oh yeah, tall drink of piece of shit. And he was just, it was just the same.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And like when a lot of people ask him, like I didn't, it wasn't literally the same person, but how I felt was very similar. He would gaslight, he would deflect, he would put me down. Everything was how other people were smarter than me. And it was a way to manipulate and get me to become a smaller version of myself. And that's when I started therapy. That was 20, end of 2018.

Thank you.

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and I dove in, and I just was feeling like there was nothing out there for me. I was listening to all the clickbait, text this to get a guy interested, and it's like, I got a dick pic, but that's all I got back. Like, I didn't get him interested.

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Thanks, Connell. Okay, therapy. Okay, got this off my chest.

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enter in with something that they're wearing, something that they have, maybe something that they're dog. I don't care, but just not something physical about them.

Exactly.

I appreciate that. You're like, hey, or it's like an outline on your arm and you're like, use your imagination.

Yeah, like if you're at a yoga class, like I suggest men go to yoga classes and go to Pilates classes. You will have a smorgasburg of usually single women. And I talk about their yoga mat. Like, hey, do you like that? Is it grippy enough? It doesn't have to be anything major. Just start the conversation because you can, if they say, yeah, my boyfriend, right?

If they brought that, you could just be like, okay, thank you so much. I just wanted to know about the mat. It doesn't feel creepy or uncomfortable. Try to do that low-hanging fruit and then see if the person starts to respond and if you're jiving. If it feels forced, then don't continue.

Truthfully, not as many. You'd be surprised how few men will approach women. There would be times where I was very open, kind of just standing somewhere. And then I would start the conversation with them and they'd be like, oh, I didn't think you were single. I was intimidated. Or I didn't want to say anything. I thought you were going to turn me down. And it's a bummer.

To this day, actually, as I'm thinking about it, I've had some good opening lines on apps, but not really in person, which is a shame.

I'll take anything besides the actual. And it was just very clickbait and it was just keeping me stuck in the same loops of constantly seeking external validation. And so fast forward 2021, I'm like, this is it. I'm moving from New York. Fuck this. I'm done with COVID. We're moving to LA, greener pastures. And I got out there and I was even more miserable. I was even more alone.

I asked a guy on the train once where he got his shirt so I could get it for my brother's birthday. So he knew it wasn't to partner. I was like, oh, where'd you get that shirt from? He was like, Bobo. I said, oh, it's my brother's birthday. So I was looking for something. And then the guy put his headphones back in. Okay, not interested. That's okay. Yeah. Right. But like try it.

The worst pickup line I ever had was a guy at the gym. I was doing like plank into downward facing to our into like high plant, you know, like going from like a frame up and then going down. And he told me that he just came up to me and goes, I just want to let you know, it's really hard to focus on my workout when your ass looks so good while you're going up and down in your little shorts.

And I just looked at him and I was like, cool. So I looked at I literally said, I said, did you think this was going to work? And he was like, I just want to let you know, like, you look really great. And I was like, and then I reported him because I was like, that's sexual harassment in the gym.

I don't care what I was wearing. You don't have the right to say that.

I was going to say, and you're not making royalties.

You're afraid of rejection because I'll be honest with you. I could like a guy and I'm terrified to make eye contact. My anxiety could be so high. I could see the most sexy guy in the room and I'll maybe look over once and then that's it and I'm looking away because I don't want to get rejected.

I'm also nervous that if I make eye contact with him and he doesn't like me and turns away that I'm going to be embarrassed.

What I would suggest is shoot your fucking shot if it doesn't work it doesn't work but that's that right there sounds like an excuse to avoid being rejected instead of saying I don't know right it's one thing if you see a ring on her finger then I would advise not engaging but if you see her and she's clearly alone. do something low hanging fruit, low F because maybe she becomes a friend.

Maybe she comes the person that you wave at when you see them at the gym. It doesn't always have to lead to that's my future wife. But the more we create narratives because we could say, oh, well, she didn't give me a cue. And it's like, well, maybe you didn't look when she did. Maybe you looked down and she was staring at you. And then you looked and she looked away.

Women are equally as nervous and anxious. We don't want to get rejected either. Probably to a different level than men. Because what do women hear? They're the ones that want to pursue. Men are the ones that want to chase. They want to go after something. I don't like that any more than the rest of us, but that's the conditioning that women are told. I don't like it.

Maybe we break that by having both people show up authentically and nobody chases anybody.

I'm this fast talking New Yorker in a town where like, that's not what people wanted. And it's really where I actually found myself because I started to realize like there's nothing wrong with me. I just don't need to prove myself to get be validated by other people. And I started to change the way I dated.

That's not where growth happens. Growth happens when we do uncomfortable things and then we go, look, I approached this woman. I didn't die. I didn't get shamed. I didn't get the town square is not putting my photo up and making fun of me. I'm okay. Then you'll, that's how we build confidence. People think that you're confident and then you make moves. That's not how that works.

Exactly. It's like, it's the same thing. There's nobody, there's no seat. Listen, there are Facebook groups. I'm not going to lie. And I hate, I hate those Facebook groups. The, are we stating the same guy groups? I find them so unhealthy, but outside of that, like, and just monitor how you fucking handle with people.

If you're showing up with grace and respect, then that will show if people screw screenshots of a text. If you're not doing anything, you're not doing anything, but just know there's no, there's no secret society. Sure. She might be telling her friends in her group chat. I don't give a shit who her three people are that are listening to her. It's not going to change your life. I promise you.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's like my partner. He's a tech guy. He's very cerebral, right? And what I would say is, start putting yourself first and start choosing yourself. I understand that you want to come from logic, but there's also another part of us that's our emotions, our body, our sensations, our feelings. And it's not a bad thing to start to tap into your emotions.

We want a man that can hold space. We want a man that...

I was really starting to set boundaries and say no and demand more and say, hey, you're emotionally unavailable. That doesn't work for me. And I, so fast forward to 2022, the year that you were kind of mentioning, I said fuck off to my dad. He tried to disown me again because I said I wasn't going to go away with him. And I was just done. I was the 10th time this has happened.

can have a boundary that can say no that protects himself but also can co-create and open up with us and if you want a relationship and that's what you deserve which i know you do then i need you to believe it and my one thing i will say is please love yourself more than the need to be loved by others because when you love yourself more than the need to be chosen by a woman or a man right whoever that is then you will always show up for yourself above being chosen by somebody else i don't want you guys to lose yourself trying to be found by some schmo that you meet on the internet

So you can find me at The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and potentially TikTok if that's still around. Sabrina.Zohar.com. And I'm actually writing my first book this year. So I'm going to be scaling off. Thank you. I will be taking less one-on-ones, but I have my courses. So there's some courses you could join. You can listen to the show. We've got some free guides.

There's something for everybody. So come on in. We'd love to have you. And I appreciate you having me and letting me talk to the audience.

Love that. There it is.

I should just give you half the advance at this point.

And I said, okay, I'm not doing this anymore. And from that moment, I truly changed the way I dated. I started to really understand things differently. Fast forward, Shark Tank, I'm on set. Like this was, Sabrina, you are next. Your outfit is steamed. Software is ready. You're pitching to the Sharks. Eight months of prep, like this is it. To be told, I'm so sorry, we don't have space today.

You're going to have to go home. And I was suicidal. I went home and I remember just like I was it. I was like, OK, how am I going to do this? Like I was it was a dark place. And then fast forward two months later, my dog passes away. I'm dating this guy that was just not there for me. And that was my rock bottom.

And I remember just thinking one of my friends text me and said, hey, man, why don't you just start a tick tock? And I was like, I had my own limiting beliefs. I was like, nobody cares about what I have to say. No one likes me. Who's going to listen to me? And she was like, well, I do. And I was like, OK, you know what? I'll try it.

And one video turned into two turned into just consistently showing up. Then I met my now partner. We slept together on the first date and I left going, I might never see this guy again because I really was like I had nothing else to lose. And I figured like, you know what? I'm not going to hold on to the outcome because every time I try to plan something, you know, as I say, you make plans.

God laughs. And I just became very clear that the more I try to control other people in the outcome, the more disconnected I am for myself. And in that moment, it's like for anybody listening, I think when we get to those rock bottoms, we really think like this is it.

But it's actually you could become a phoenix rising from the ashes in that moment because you get to rebuild the version of who you'd like to be and say, I'm done accepting bullshit. I'm done dealing with if this is men that are listening, women that are taking advantage or men or they that are treating me like shit, putting me down. This is this is going to be the last time.

And my mama always used to say, I want you to remember this moment right now so that you can remember how far you've come in six months when you look back. And I use these low moments, like even this morning, I cried this morning. I had a whole anxious moment and I stopped and I was like, but you're a human.

You're allowed to do this and you will make decisions moving forward that will support you in the ways that you need.

Absolutely. I obviously, I would never want my dog to pass away. Like that was the one moment, but I could, I have never been more grateful. Shark tank didn't happen because I'm trying to sell my clothing company right now. Like I'm ready to move on and do something different. I love what I do. And you know, I, It's going to be a sad, morbid thing. But like, so my partner's sister passed away.

She took her life in early 2022. And my dog passed away at the end of it. And we both have said, had we not lost something that meant the world to us to really shake us up and make us realize what's important, we would never be together. And it's sad. And it's like, I understand if anyone's going through a breakup, a loss, grieving. Grief is an emotion.

And we often don't give ourselves the opportunity to really feel it and process it. But it's okay. It's part of the process. And I promise you In the future, you will look back and at the very least say, I understand why it happened.

And it takes us out a victim, right? When you're like, oh, it's happening for me. Like even this morning, I'm going through my whole spiel, but I'm still knowing, like never once did I say, woe is me. I was crying about, I'm scared, I'm stressed, I'm feeling an emotion. This is really, you know, I'm supposed to move to LA in two months and the fire is, and the city is under fire.

I don't know where we're going to live, right? I have so many unknowns and you're a business owner and there's all of these aspects. But what's really beautiful is to be able to stop and say, like right now, even for me, I get to choose what I'm going to do moving forward. I am not a child whose parents make those decisions. I am not beholden to anybody else.

And I look at it personally, and I'm curious your thoughts. I think a lot of people are really scared of being triggered, right? I hear this every day, and I'd be curious how often you hear. you know, oh, well, I'd rather be single. I'd rather be single than have to deal with it as much. And what I hear there is I'm like, oh, but you're limiting your growth.

Because for me, moments like even this morning where I'm triggered and I'm crying and I'm scared, it allows me to, one, reparent myself and say, but I have my back and I can prove to myself that I am here to support myself. But it's also data, right? So I'm looking going, OK, Where are my friction points? Okay, this part of my business just doesn't serve me anymore. It's time for me to let it go.

Am I scared? Yes, right? It's the same with relationships. This relationship isn't serving me. Do we have a guarantee that tomorrow you'll meet somebody else? No, right? None of us know what's to come. But you know what I do know? By letting go of this, I'm making space for what could come, which means that I have an opportunity to co-create and to have a new future. Similar to your story, right?

You had. And if you held on to your ex, you wouldn't have had this entire new life that is waiting for you. But we need to. I settled.

Been there, right? And it's like you go, oh, they're here, right? Oh, they're here and they're nice and they treat me well. Yeah. But I think it's really an opportunity right now because I'd much rather be alone than in bad company.

But even if it meant I lost all my money tomorrow and I was on the street, it's like, but I have me and that's really what matters versus being contingent and codependent on somebody else. So anybody that's going through a hard time, if I can fucking leave you with anything after this dissertation and TED talk that I'm talking about about hitting rock bottom. is embrace it.

It's okay to sit in the discomfort. You're allowed to sit and fucking cry and scream. I literally screamed this morning and I was like, oh, I feel better. You can shake. That's normal. That's your nervous system trying to regulate. Don't fight it.

And so for me personally... When I started all this, I just kept saying, who gives a shit about me? No one wants to hear me talk. Who cares about me? As I was scared, I was terrified of being rejected. And this was the reality, actually being rejected. Because what is the definition of rejection is to be ridiculed and judged for who you are.

And I know so many of you guys have experienced that in dating, but we have to also peel back the layers and say, but does that hold any weight?

It's so normal. And I think we, I'm glad we're humanizing this because we often think, oh, I'm just anxious in relationships. I hear that all the time. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm fine with my friends. I'm fine in my job. I'm fine with everything else. It's just in dating. And I used to think the same. I thought, okay, well, once I get my partner, I'll be okay. And then all this will go away.

But it doesn't because those are core root and like those are my core beliefs. At my core, there's a little girl, right, that learned at a very young age, you're too much. Nobody's here to listen to you. Like my father was just in town and in the middle of a sentence, he literally just turned his back on me and just flippantly just stopped listening. And I was like –

And that was the messaging I received. And so when I started to show up and it's same with dating, like let's peel it back a couple of years ago when I first really started to put myself out there, I was terrified of telling a guy, hey, I'd like a relationship. I'm not into casual because I was scared he was going to reject me and say, you're too much. Ew. Wow. Way to be clingy and needy.

Oh, hi, Connell. I'm so excited. And hopefully TikTok will be around for more than four more days.

And that was my fear of being reaffirmed that my father was saying that to me. And so I figured, okay, let me be perfect. Let me just be the cool girl. Let me show up how they want. And I completely self-abandoned because I was so scared of them rejecting me that I was rejecting myself. I was so scared of them not choosing me that I wasn't choosing myself.

Because now, right, every day when I post a video, I am beholden to every fucking piece of shit on the internet that decides that they don't like what I have to say and that they hate my face and they hate my voice. And I trigger them and I should kill myself. I get some of the most disgusting comments.

But what I also know is that on the other side of it, there are 20,000 million more people that are resonating and feel it and love it. And the reason I bring that up is because you might go on a date and that woman might reject you. She's not your fucking person. Anybody that is going to reject you, right? What does rejection mean? Being ridiculed for who you are.

hopefully it'll be around until this episode uh ends or at least posts i know it's very scary times in social media world isn't it it really is it's an unsettling time because i'm like oh for all the pros there are the cons and i'm here for it like everything else but yes i i think this is just honestly what has been it's been a um a lesson in surrender and letting go right we have no control of the outcome we can't do anything about it and so this is a really good time to learn to sit in discomfort and i am sitting in it i'll tell you that

Well, let me ask you on a first date, how the fuck are you being ridiculed for who you are when this person's known you for 20 minutes? And maybe they're emotionally unavailable. Maybe they're. And what we see often is when we start to internalize that, that's our core belief. I would start to look and say, how familiar does that other person feel?

If you feel rejected by them because, well, they were dismissive of me. Does that remind me of my parents? Because that feels familiar. Our brain loves to hold on to what ifs because anxiety is safer than uncertainty because it knows how to protect us from that.

And honestly, if somebody was like, I'm going for a Helmsworth, I'd be like, hey, me too. Great call. Have fun. Enjoy. Get me one too.

Exactly. And it's so funny because I hear, I actually love having the male aspect here because I have actually a lot of male clients that I work with individually, but my audience is 70% female. So I'm very inundated in what women are going through. And it's so funny because I hear this every single day from women of like, men are the ones in control. Men are the one in power.

I'm starting all these preconceived notions. Totally. I'm curious, how did you feel received or how did your friend that was on the date feel receiving that?

Do you shut down or do you need to talk about something immediately? That would give me an understanding, oh, maybe you lean more avoidant. Okay, well, what's uncomfortable about having the conversation? We can have more depth and understanding versus if he tells me he's avoidant and my response will be, oh, well, then what are we doing here? You're probably not even getting, right?

It really did shoot him in the foot. right? Because he could have more avoidant tendencies, but maybe that doesn't come out with you, right? Maybe you're significantly more secure for him and it doesn't trigger him. The problem with setting the stage is that it doesn't allow growth.

I'm starting all these preconceived notions. Totally. I'm curious, how did you feel received or how did your friend that was on the date feel receiving that?

It doesn't allow you to change and evolve because the other reality is I might be super anxious with one person, but then I meet somebody else and I'm not as triggered by that person, so I'm less anxious with them because it's a spectrum. And I think that's the misconception is we villainized avoidance, right? I mean, you know as well as I do the content we see on the internet.

It really did shoot him in the foot. right? Because he could have more avoidant tendencies, but maybe that doesn't come out with you, right? Maybe you're significantly more secure for him and it doesn't trigger him. The problem with setting the stage is that it doesn't allow growth.

And it's not fair to people. So I'll even back up. There's a book called Attached. That's what started a lot of this. Attached was written by Amir Levine. And this was written, I believe, 2007. So it's a minute ago. And it's like the number one book in this field. And Amir Levine has come out now recently saying, I was way too hard on the avoidant in the book.

It doesn't allow you to change and evolve because the other reality is I might be super anxious with one person, but then I meet somebody else and I'm not as triggered by that person, so I'm less anxious with them because it's a spectrum. And I think that's the misconception is we villainized avoidance, right? I mean, you know as well as I do the content we see on the internet.

I didn't understand them enough, and I really villainized them because he made them come off as these cold, calloused, we don't care about anything. We just shut down and remove ourselves. But that's not actually how avoidants work, right?

And it's not fair to people. So I'll even back up. There's a book called Attached. That's what started a lot of this. Attached was written by Amir Levine. And this was written, I believe, 2007. So it's a minute ago. And it's like the number one book in this field. And Amir Levine has come out now recently saying, I was way too hard on the avoidant in the book.

There's a difference between avoidant personality disorder, somebody who just avoids everything because everything makes them uncomfortable, versus an attachment style where here's the thing, you have to be attached for that to come out. So I might not be anxious with someone if I'm not that into them because I'm not feeling that childhood core wound being activated.

I didn't understand them enough, and I really villainized them because he made them come off as these cold, calloused, we don't care about anything. We just shut down and remove ourselves. But that's not actually how avoidants work.

So it's not fair for me to say I'm anxious. No, I have anxious tendencies and I run a little bit more anxious than the average person. That allows me space to grow into a different version of myself.

There's a difference between avoidant personality disorder, somebody who just avoids everything because everything makes them uncomfortable, versus an attachment style. Here's the thing, you have to be attached for that to come out. So I might not be anxious with someone if I'm not that into them because I'm not feeling that childhood core wound being activated.

So it's not fair for me to say I'm anxious. No, I have anxious tendencies and I run a little bit more anxious than the average person. That allows me space to grow into a different version of myself.

So when we look at attachment cells, because I think that's a great question, right? It's, we've seen, oh, if you're anxious, at least you're expressing yourself. And it's like, no, you're not. You're just talking. Talking doesn't mean communicating, right? There's two very different things. And same with the avoidant. Well, he just pulls away. Maybe that person needs to process, right?

There are pros and cons to the behavior, depending how we look on it. The reality is our attachment styles are not something that we asked for. So attachment styles form in the zero to six age of our lives. So attachment styles are formed very early childhood, dependent on how your caregivers attuned to your needs.

So when we look at attachment cells, because I think that's a great question, right? It's, we've seen, oh, if you're anxious, at least you're expressing yourself. And it's like, no, you're not. You're just talking. Talking doesn't mean communicating, right? There's two very different things. And same with the avoidant. Well, he just pulls away. Maybe that person needs to process, right?

So for me, I have that high anxiety because I came in a household, I had a narcissistic father constantly dismissed us, no boundaries. We would get hit a lot. He was very abusive, very verbally abusive, leaving all the time. And then my mother, instead of attuning to our needs, if my father hit us and we're crying, she would walk out of the room. So as a child, I learned no one's safe.

There are pros and cons to the behavior, depending how we look on it. The reality is our attachment styles are not something that we asked for. So attachment styles form in the zero to six age of our lives. So attachment styles are formed very early childhood, dependent on how your caregivers attune to your needs.

I have no one I can rely on. There's no object permanence. So that's what bred this, give me the validation. Please, please, I need it. I need it. That doesn't mean that I'm a bad person in my adult life. And on the flip side, my partner, his father was very abusive growing up, and he learned emotions are not safe, so he learned to shut them down.

So for me, I have that high anxiety because I came in a household, I had a narcissistic father constantly dismissed us, no boundaries. We would get hit a lot. He was very abusive, very verbally abusive, leaving all the time. And then my mother, instead of attuning to our needs, if my father hit us and we're crying, she would walk out of the room. So as a child, I learned no one's safe.

Just shut up, don't say anything, and you won't get hurt. So as an adult, he really struggles to express himself because he never had a safe space to do so. When we look at people that are secure, people that are secure still feel anxiety. They still have avoidant tendencies. They can still get overwhelmed and remove themselves.

I have no one I can rely on. There's no object permanence. So that's what bred this, give me the validation. Please, please, I need it. I need it. That doesn't mean that I'm a bad person in my adult life. And on the flip side, my partner, his father was very abusive growing up, and he learned emotions are not safe, so he learned to shut them down.

The difference is people that are secure understand that part of being in a relationship is co-creating. I need to be vulnerable and hold space for you and vice versa. So the reality is I have gotten to earn secure. We can get to an earn secure space.

Just shut up, don't say anything, and you won't get hurt. So as an adult, he really struggles to express himself because he never had a safe space to do so. When we look at people that are secure, people that are secure still feel anxiety. They still have avoidant tendencies. They can still get overwhelmed and remove themselves.

And that just means being okay with myself, being comfortable in my body, knowing my emotions, understanding where they come from, and being able to clearly express that with my partner and not take it personally if my partner needs space. We can all get to these levels, but let's say for the anxious person, there's a lot of beautiful qualities that they embody. They're very empathetic.

The difference is people that are secure understand that part of being in a relationship is co-creating. I need to be vulnerable and hold space for you and vice versa. So the reality is I have gotten to earn secure.

They're very sensitive. They're very in tune with other people's emotions. Could be good or bad, right? And then same with the avoidant. They know how to process. Maybe they know how to take some space. They know how to be independent. It's when the pendulum swings to where the codependency happens with the anxious person and the hyper-independence can happen with the avoidant.

We can get to an earn secure space, and that just means being okay with myself, being comfortable in my body, knowing my emotions, understanding where they come from, and being able to clearly express that with my partner and not take it personally if my partner needs space. We can all get to these levels, but let's say for the anxious person, there's a lot of beautiful qualities that they embody.

And so we're just trying to find a balance between these personalities and this attachment. But there's nobody that's good or bad. It's really just about how can I come home to myself and feel comfortable in my body so that I can allow someone else to be a human and show compassion to both of us.

They're very empathetic. They're very sensitive. They're very in tune with other people's emotions. Could be good or bad, right? And then same with the avoidant. They know how to process. Maybe they know how to take some space. They know how to be independent.

It's when the pendulum swings to where the codependency happens with the anxious person and the hyper-independence can happen with the avoidant. And so we're just trying to find a balance between these personalities and this attachment. But there's nobody that's good or bad.

Meaning I earned it. I had that anxious attachment. Doing the work and becoming more secure is like earned secure. meaning that I wasn't just born with it, right? I didn't have great parents. I didn't have that home. I didn't have that family unit. But as an adult, I did the work to earn that secure title, if you will. And it's just another way of saying you can change and evolve.

It's really just about how can I come home to myself and feel comfortable in my body so that I can allow someone else to be a human and show compassion to both of us.

You can get to that level. But I totally understand how that could be confusing. Yeah, it's not about your partner earning it. It's more just how we do the work for ourselves to show up.

Meaning I earned it. I had that anxious attachment. Doing the work and becoming more secure is like earned secure. Meaning that I wasn't just born with it, right? I didn't have great parents. I didn't have that home. I didn't have that family unit. But as an adult, I did the work to earn that secure title, if you will. And it's just another way of saying you can change and evolve.

So when it comes to these attachment styles, when it comes to that, so there's been a lot of studies done and here's the good and the bad news. Where it really has formed is zero to one. So you have a lot of opportunity when you have a very young child because it actually shows in order to have a secure attachment, your parent needs to make eye contact with you 30% of the time.

You can get to that level. But I totally understand how that could be confusing. Yeah, it's not about your partner earning it. It's more just how we do the work for ourselves to show up.

It's really not that much, but the way that this is learned, let's say for instance, okay, as a kid, you have a kid, right? And when you put the kid to bed, he starts to scream and cry. You don't go into the room, the child shuts down and learns, what's the point of yelling? No one's gonna come get me.

So when it comes to these attachment styles, when it comes to that, so there's been a lot of studies done and here's the good and the bad news. Where it really has formed is zero to one. So you have a lot of opportunity when you have a very young child because it actually shows in order to have a secure attachment, your parent needs to make eye contact with you 30% of the time.

So they might be more anxious as they get older because they have to scream to get anyone to look at them. So if we think about it, what that really means is understanding that as a parent, and this is probably not a very fun topic or a hot take here, as a parent, your child is meant to inconvenience you. That's the point of having a child is that they need to learn the lay of the land.

It's really not that much, but the way that this is learned, let's say for instance, okay, as a kid, you have a kid, right? And when you put the kid to bed, he starts to scream and cry. You don't go into the room, the child shuts down and learns, what's the point of yelling? No one's gonna come get me.

So for people that get upset, like my baby doesn't stop crying. Yeah, that's the point of having a child. They need to learn the lay of the land. They need to learn themselves. It's called egocentric age from zero to six. Essentially what that means is from zero to six, children will internalize everything as it's about themselves. They have to be narcissistic.

Burn your fucking checklist. It's not getting you anywhere. Focus on how do I want to feel when I'm with this person? Because you could meet someone that doesn't check those boxes and go, holy shit, I feel amazing with this person.

So they might be more anxious as they get older because they have to scream to get anyone to look at them. So if we think about it, what that really means is understanding that as a parent, and this is probably not a very fun topic or a hot take here, as a parent, your child is meant to inconvenience you. That's the point of having a child is that they need to learn the lay of the land.

That's how they're learning the world, right? I do this, this happens to me. So right now, if you have a child, wherever it is, if you start to notice, wow, my kid shuts down, then maybe that's the time to create a safe space to go to your kid and say, hey, what feels uncomfortable about expressing yourself to me? Are you okay?

So for people that get upset, like my baby doesn't stop crying. Yeah, that's the point of having a child. They need to learn the lay of the land. They need to learn themselves. It's called egocentric age from zero to six. Essentially what that means is from zero to six, children will internalize everything as it's about themselves. They have to be narcissistic.

I'm so excited.

Just to be there for your kids so that they learn, oh, it's safe for me to express myself. I'm not going to get hurt. Oh, or if your kid feels they get anxious every time you leave the house, it's about asking, hey, what are you scared of happening? Do you think I'm not going to come home for you? I need to let you know I love you and I'm here for you and I'm not going to leave you.

That's how they're learning the world, right? I do this, this happens to me. So right now, if you have a child, wherever it is, if you start to notice, wow, my kid shuts down, then maybe that's the time to create a safe space to go to your kid and say, hey, what feels uncomfortable about expressing yourself to me? Are you okay?

And anytime you need me to reassure you, I will. It's those little things that I'll be honest, I didn't have that as a kid.

Just to be there for your kids so that they learn, oh, it's safe for me to express myself. I'm not going to get hurt. Oh, or if your kid feels they get anxious every time you leave the house, it's about asking, hey, what are you scared of happening? Do you think I'm not going to come home for you? I need to let you know I love you and I'm here for you and I'm not going to leave you.

And anytime you need me to reassure you, I will. It's those little things that I'll be honest, I didn't have that as a kid.

Oh, it's monumental, right? And because we have to remember, that first relationship was just setting the stage for how you were already feeling, right? Because if you came from a household with two really loving parents that were incredibly secure, that taught you that your self-esteem matters, right?

That you are amazing and you are allowed to set boundaries, you're allowed to say no, then that behavior, you would have been turned off and gone, who the fuck are you? I don't need to deal with this. So I look at that saying, okay, so we see a pattern, right? Okay, there's volatility. Your nervous system feels safe during high highs and low lows.

Oh, it's monumental, right? And because we have to remember, that first relationship was just setting the stage for how you were already feeling, right? Because if you came from a household with two really loving parents that were incredibly secure, that taught you that your self-esteem matters, right?

I have to earn the love, and if I lose it, I have to earn it back. So what I would look at here is saying, okay, if we look at how did you feel in your body, right, anxious and not uncertain and all that, my next question would be, who did that person remind you of from early childhood? When do you remember feeling that in your dynamics?

That you are amazing and you are allowed to set boundaries, you're allowed to say no, then that behavior, you would have been turned off and gone, who the fuck are you? I don't need to deal with this. So I look at that saying, okay, so we see a pattern, right? Okay, there's volatility. Your nervous system feels safe during high highs and low lows.

So I always dated emotionally unavailable men because it was, I'm always too much. I'm too needy. Well, that's because my father taught me that. My father was very unavailable. So I learned there's something wrong with me. I'm too much. So it's a term called repetition compulsion. It's a Freudian term.

I have to earn the love, and if I lose it, I have to earn it back. So what I would look at here is saying, okay, if we look at how did you feel in your body, right, anxious and not uncertain and all that, my next question would be, who did that person remind you of from early childhood? When do you remember feeling that in your dynamics?

And it pretty much means that we are going to re-mimic the same dynamics that we had growing up in our adult relationships because a part of our brain and our psyche believes, if I can get this guy, then all of the pain goes away. See, if I can prove to them that I'm not too much, then I was wrong, my dad was wrong, everyone was wrong. But what ends up happening?

So I always dated emotionally unavailable men because it was, I'm always too much. I'm too needy. Well, that's because my father taught me that. My father was very unavailable. So I learned there's something wrong with me. I'm too much. So it's a term called repetition compulsion. It's a Freudian term.

it just reaffirms your core belief, right? Because that person's unavailable. That person's not healthy. They're toxic, right? They're familiar. And so what we have to look at is it's not conscious. This doesn't mean that you're doing this in your waking life walking around. But what we have to look at is and say, what feels familiar? Like, I'd be curious, Hala, if you

And it pretty much means that we are going to re-mimic the same dynamics that we had growing up in our adult relationships because a part of our brain and our psyche believes it's If I can get this guy, then all of the pain goes away. See, if I can prove to them that I'm not too much, then I was wrong. My dad was wrong. Everyone was wrong. But what ends up happening?

care, you know, if you want to be.

It just reaffirms your core belief, right? Because that person's unavailable. That person's not healthy. They're toxic, right? They're familiar. And so what we have to look at is it's not conscious. This doesn't... mean that you're doing this in your waking life walking around. But what we have to look at is and say, what feels familiar?

That's it. Exactly. And then we see that. And so what we hear there is, oh my God, I have so much compassion. I have so much empathy for that little holla that sees this as, oh my God, but I'm scared. That's dad. I don't want to lose this. And then what the work starts to lie in is to re-parent that version of No, you're allowed to say no. You're allowed to wear leggings.

Like, I'd be curious, Hala, if you care, you know, if you want to be.

You're allowed to be the version of yourself. Just because that wasn't accepted as a kid doesn't mean that now as an adult, it won't be accepted. But that starts with us accepting that, right? How am I going to not feel too much in my partner if I genuinely still believe I'm too much?

That's it. Exactly. And then we see that. And so what we hear there is, oh my God, I have so much compassion. I have so much empathy for that little holla that sees this as, oh my God, but I'm scared. That's dad. I don't want to lose this. And then what the work starts to lie in is to re-parent that version of No, you're allowed to say no. You're allowed to wear leggings.

Oftentimes what we see is, oh, secure people can date any attachment style and it depends on the severity. So we look at attachment styles like a spectrum, right? And so there's that severe. There are people that are so... emotionally unavailable and what that actually means. And people misconstrue. They think only avoidant people are emotionally unavailable.

You're allowed to be the version of yourself. Just because that wasn't accepted as a kid doesn't mean that now as an adult, it won't be accepted. But that starts with us accepting that, right? How am I going to not feel too much in my partner if I genuinely still believe I'm too much?

Anxious folks are emotionally unavailable as well because the anxious person is only focused on why are you doing this? Why won't you tell me what's going on? Why don't you like me? Everything is external. So what that means is you're self-abandoning. You're not actually in touch with, hey, this doesn't make me feel good. I don't like how I'm feeling.

Oftentimes what we see is, oh, secure people can date any attachment style and it depends on the severity. So we look at attachment styles like a spectrum, right? And so there's that severe. There are people that are so... emotionally unavailable and what that actually means. And people misconstrue. They think only avoidant people are emotionally unavailable.

Then we see the avoidant person, they are emotionally unavailable. I don't want to deal with this. Nope, nope. Emotions are too heavy. This is too much. I relieve. So somebody who's secure could absolutely date somebody with a bit of an avoidant or anxious attachment style because they understand, hey, let me create a safe space.

Anxious folks are emotionally unavailable as well. Because the anxious person is only focused on, why are you doing this? Why won't you tell me what's going on? Why don't you like me? Everything is external. So what that means is you're self-abandoning. You're not actually in touch with, hey, this doesn't make me feel good. I don't like how I'm feeling.

Oh, God. As somebody who is an entrepreneur, I have like a clothing line outside of this business that I built. I can totally understand and commiserate. And I think the biggest challenge that we see with entrepreneurs, especially in the dating realm, is this all or nothing mentality. It's like either I have to completely sacrifice my career to have this family, or I have to be completely alone.

That person does the work privately and they're able to have a beautiful relationship. Two anxious people don't normally work because you have to remember, going after someone anxious, if I come to you and say, oh my God, I really like you, my core belief is there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. So I look at this going, no, this is too easy. This is boring. I don't want this.

Then we see the avoidant person, they are emotionally unavailable. I don't want to deal with this. Nope, nope. Emotions are too heavy. This is too much. I relieve. So somebody who's secure could absolutely date somebody with a bit of an avoidant or anxious attachment style because they understand, hey, let me create a safe space.

You like me. There's no chase. And then to avoidance, nobody contacts each other. Like they're both... You know, they're both so in their own world. So really where we see the number one draw is the anxious, avoidant trap, right? When the anxious and avoidant meet, the anxious person is gregarious, big, outward, right? They held so much space. They're in touch with their emotions on paper.

That person does the work privately and they're able to have a beautiful relationship. Two anxious people don't normally work because you have to remember going after someone anxious. If I come to you and say, oh my God, I really like you. My core belief is there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. So I look at this going, no, this is too easy. This is boring. I don't want this.

And the avoided person looks and says, oh my God, that's so hot. Look how open and loving they are. Look how warm they are. Then the anxious person sees the avoidant as, oh my God, they're so chill. Look, they don't have, oh, they're so independent. That's so sexy. I love that about them. But then as we start to see them, they get triggered. The anxious person wants more. No, no, come closer.

You like me. There's no chase. And then to avoidance, nobody contacts each other. Like they're both, you know, they're both so in their own world. So really where we see the number one draw is the anxious avoidant trap, right? When the anxious and avoidant meet, the anxious person is gregarious, big, outward, right? They held so much space. They're in touch with their emotions on paper.

The avoidant person starts to remove themselves and say, no, this is too much. And then we start to see this trap ensue. they both need each other. It's a very codependent relationship because the anxious and the avoidant both need each other for this dynamic to play out.

And the avoided person looks and says, oh my God, that's so hot. Look how open and loving they are. Look how warm they are. Then the anxious person sees the avoidant as, oh my God, they're so chill. Look, they don't have, oh, they're so independent. That's so sexy. I love that about them. But then as we start to see them, they get triggered. The anxious person wants more. No, no, come closer.

Whereas somebody secure, if you have someone that's highly anxious and you set a boundary, they're not going to keep dating that person if they disrespect the boundary. So if I'm super secure and I'm dating somebody highly anxious that doesn't respect my boundaries, texts me 24-7, freaks out if I don't text them back in two seconds, demands that I see them 24-7,

The avoidant person starts to remove themselves and say, no, this is too much. And then we start to see this trap ensue. They both need each other. It's a very codependent relationship because the anxious and the avoidant both need each other for this dynamic to play out.

The secure person's going to say, no, thank you. That doesn't work for me. And they'll walk away. The anxious person, it's continuing on this trap of you're too much. You're too needy. They get to remove themselves, but they know, wait, but I need you to come back. I want you. The anxious person removes themselves and then the avoidant comes closer.

Whereas somebody secure, if you have someone that's highly anxious and you set a boundary, they're not going to keep dating that person if they disrespect the boundary. So if I'm super secure and I'm dating somebody highly anxious that doesn't respect my boundaries, texts me 24-7, freaks out if I don't text them back in two seconds, demands that I see them 24-7,

And it's just this cycle that repeats itself until somebody says, I'm fucking done.

The secure person's going to say, no, thank you. That doesn't work for me. And they'll walk away. The anxious person, it's continuing on this trap of you're too much. You're too needy. They get to remove themselves, but they know, wait, but I need you to come back. I want you. The anxious person removes themselves and then the avoidant comes closer.

And it's just this cycle that repeats itself until somebody says, I'm fucking done.

I can't talk to anybody for 10, 15 years, and then maybe I can entertain a relationship. And really where I think that stems from is we have to really look at what are your attachment styles? What were you taught growing up? Are we scared of losing our independence?

So I just recently saw a study done for 2024 that 71% of couples, I think it was 68 or 71, I can't remember exact, but anywhere between 68 to 71 majority meet online. And it was like a poll and they showed over the years from the 50s to now how it changed, right? How everything drastically changed. So knowing 68 to 71% of people are meeting online, that's a huge statistic to look at.

But you know, it also is on the rise, 48% increase on Eventbrite for singles events. So what we're seeing is, yes, people are still meeting online, but now we're getting into a time where people are looking for human interaction again. They're searching for it. They're hungry for it. Girl, I can't tell you in LA how many events I've gone to where it's like, it's a singles night.

Oh, God. As somebody who is an entrepreneur, I have like a clothing line outside of this business that I built. I can totally understand and commiserate. And I think the biggest challenge that we see with entrepreneurs, especially in the dating realm, is this all or nothing mentality. It's like either I have to completely sacrifice my career to have this family, or I have to be completely alone.

It's a dating event of meeting in person. We have to look at this as with every pro, there comes a con. I am so tired of hearing online dating ruined everything. Well, that's like saying the internet ruined everything. No, the internet brought a lot of beauty, but it also brought a lot of chaos. With good comes bad. And I think what I see is our phones are little drug machines, right?

It's a dopamine reward system. And for anyone who's not familiar, dopamine comes in anticipation of. So our cortisol will spike in stress, and then our dopamine gets depleted because the brain needs it for the cortisol that's happening. So we're constantly seeking more, more, more. It's a slot machine. So it's the same effects that happen when you walk into a casino.

So what I look at is, I met my partner on Hinge, so who am I to say that dating apps are the enemy? I've had great success on that aspect, but I've also met a ton of terrible people on there. I think what we have to look at is, what are the reasons that people don't want to try dating online?

What I hear normally, I'm curious what you hear in your community, is, I hate this, it makes me uncomfortable, I don't like it. And my response to them is, then do it. Because stop trying to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. It's okay that you don't like how you feel, but then we have to look and say, is that because I have expectations on this?

Am I putting way too high of an expectation on a dating app? Is my life revolving around if someone chooses me off this app? It's just another modality of meeting people because here's the other side of the coin. Okay, fine. You want to meet someone in person, right? So are you cool with rejection? Are you cool with someone saying to your face, no, thank you?

Is it that we have this mindset that it's like, I have to be making this much money in order for me to attract the right partner, right? And so I think what we start to see is it's really the core beliefs and the narratives that start to push in its way. Because for me personally, I met my partner when I was in between businesses. So my clothing line,

Are you cool with a girl saying, I have a boyfriend and walking off? Are you going to go up and talk to people? And if your answer is no, well, then the apps are there to help you. So that's why I think there is a positive and negative with every regard. I see it as you need to be a better buyer. I'm not going to blame the apps because they're shitty people.

That's not the app's fault that I went on a date with someone. That's not great because I didn't vet this person enough. So we can only blame the apps. Of course, listen, are they there to make money? The casino always wins. But that's also me. I do have agency and control on how I interact with this piece of technology.

And what are your thoughts about that?

So I just recently saw a study done for 2024 that 71% of couples, I think it was 68 or 71, I can't remember exact, but anywhere between 68 to 71, majority meet online. And it was like a poll and they showed over the years from the 50s to now how it changed, right? How everything drastically changed. So knowing 68 to 71% of people are meeting online, that's a huge statistic to look at.

But you know, it also is on the rise, 48% increase on Eventbrite for singles events. So what we're seeing is, yes, people are still meeting online, but now we're getting into a time where people are looking for human interaction again. They're searching for it. They're hungry for it. Girl, I can't tell you in LA how many events I've gone to where it's like, it's a singles night.

I'm 5'8", so I'm a heightist. I'm the same. My partner's 6'5". So to me, I'm like, I think we're allowed to have some aspects of, like my partner, he says, he's like, I can't date a girl shorter than 5'8", because he's like, and then it feels very uncomfortable. My back hurts. I feel like it's my child. I don't really like that. So I think there is a level of like an 80-20 rule.

It's a dating event of meeting in person. We have to look at this as with every pro, there comes a con. I am so tired of hearing online dating ruined everything. Well, that's like saying the internet ruined everything. No, the internet brought a lot of beauty, but it also brought a lot of chaos. With good comes bad. And I think what I see is our phones are little drug machines, right?

I can't talk to anybody for 10, 15 years, and then maybe I can entertain a relationship. And really where I think that stems from is we have to really look at what are your attachment styles? What were you taught growing up? Are we scared of losing our independence?

What's 80% that you need? So if you're saying, hey, height is really important. I'm 5'8". I wear heels all the time. I don't like my partner being shorter. You're allowed to have a need. You're allowed to say that's something that's important to me. But that's where we have to look and like to your point,

It's a dopamine reward system. And for anyone who's not familiar, dopamine comes in anticipation of. So our cortisol will spike in stress, and then our dopamine gets depleted because the brain needs it for the cortisol that's happening. So we're constantly seeking more, more, more. It's a slot machine. So it's the same effects that happen when you walk into a casino.

Am I being so rigid and so everything's giving me an ick that I'm almost pushing people away, right? And so what I would look at is what I personally did was I needed to find whether I was going to say no to someone or yes to someone, two to three reasons as to why I would say yes or no. So if I'm swiping left, if I'm looking and going, I don't like their height,

So what I look at is, I met my partner on Hinge, so who am I to say that dating apps are the enemy? I've had great success on that aspect, but I've also met a ton of terrible people on there. I think what we have to look at is, what are the reasons that people don't want to try dating online?

But if that's it, I'll go, okay, that's not enough of a reason. Fine, I'll give this person a try. But if I say, oh, vice versa, ooh, I want to match with this person. They're 6'4". Is there any other reason I want to match with them? No, their prompts are stupid. Their photos look really lame. Okay, so then what am I matching with this person for?

What I hear normally, I'm curious what you hear in your community, is, I hate this, it makes me uncomfortable, I don't like it. And my response to them is, then do it. Because stop trying to avoid things that make us uncomfortable. It's okay that you don't like how you feel, but then we have to look and say, is that because I have expectations on this?

And I think what it comes to is that self-awareness of what is it that's a non-negotiable for me? Fine, you want to have height as a non-negotiable, I'll give it to you. You want to have hair color, right? You're allowed to have things that make you feel turned on by somebody. But we want to look at and say, am I super rigid? Is there no flexibility on this?

I was supposed to do Shark Tank, got sent home. It was this whole debacle. And I had been hustling and growing it and doing everything I could and pouring my life in. And then I just realized at the end of it, what did I have to show, right? Okay, so I had money in the bank and I had this career, but I didn't feel fulfilled.

Am I putting way too high of an expectation on a dating app? Is my life revolving around if someone chooses me off this app? It's just another modality of meeting people because here's the other side of the coin. Okay, fine. You want to meet someone in person, right? So are you cool with rejection? Are you cool with someone saying to your face, no, thank you?

I've dated guys that are 5'8", and they're fantastic. There were other reasons it didn't work out. And so I think when it comes to apps, it's natural that it's going to be. The average person makes their decision within four seconds of an app. You have all but seconds to decide if you want to see somebody. But I'd argue to say similar in person, right? I've dated in New York where I'd go to a bar.

Are you cool with a girl saying, I have a boyfriend and walking off? Are you going to go up and talk to people? And if your answer is no, well, then the apps are there to help you. So that's why I think there is a positive and negative with every regard. I see it as you need to be a better buyer. I'm not going to blame the apps because they're shitty people.

If I look and go, oh, I'm not attracted, I walk off. If this guy tries to talk to me, no, thank you. I don't want it. So I think there is an element of reality that, yes, of course, are there vibe checks? Like my partner's not my type. Not that he's not attractive. He's just not the same guy I always went for. That's why I chose him because I said, oh, what am I saying no to?

That's not the app's fault that I went on a date with someone. That's not great because I didn't vet this person enough. So we can only blame the apps. Of course, listen, are they there to make money? The casino always wins, but that's also me. I do have agency and control on how I interact with this piece of technology.

I said, oh, just because he's not my type, that's not enough of a reason for me to say no to this person. So I matched with him. And like, here's the thing. If you're unsure, do a FaceTime vibe check, right? If you're like, oh, he's a little short, but maybe he has a great personality, I'll do a FaceTime with him before I go out with him.

You can bucketize people into, I'll do FaceTimes with these people, but I'll go out with these people. What we want to look at is, am I saying no to people because I'm being rigid or am I saying no to people because they genuinely don't align with what it is that I feel like I want or need?

Is it that we have this mindset that it's like, I have to be making this much money in order for me to attract the right partner, right? And so I think what we start to see is it's really the core beliefs and the narratives that start to push in its way. Because for me personally, I met my partner when I was in between businesses. So my clothing line,

What I would say is we would also start with a little bit of compassion of there's nothing wrong with me that I like these tall men, but I would be curious then to ask you, what does their height represent to you? Is it that you feel safe and secure with somebody? This is creepy, but is your dad tall? Like my dad's 6'3", so I always thought that a bigger man was something I felt more attracted to.

Okay, I'm 5'8", so I'm a heightist. I'm the same. My partner's 6'5". So to me, I'm like, I think we're allowed to have some aspects of, like my partner, he says, he's like, I can't date a girl shorter than 5'8", because he's like, and then it feels very uncomfortable. My back hurts. I feel like it's my child. I don't really like that. So I think there is a level of like an 80-20 rule.

What does the height represent, right? Is it security, safety? We have to look at that as what am I putting on the height as what does that mean to me? For me personally, it's because I wear heels. I don't want to be shorter than my partner all the time. And it made me feel better knowing that I have a bigger person than me. That was more attractive to me personally. But that's a me thing.

What's 80% that you need? So if you're saying, hey, height is really important. I'm 5'8". I wear heels all the time. I don't like my partner being shorter. You're allowed to have a need. You're allowed to say that's something that's important to me. But that's where we have to look. And like, to your point,

So I'm curious, Hala, for you, when you hear that,

And so when I started this career, I also met my partner at the same time and navigating growing a business and like really scaling a business while trying to form a relationship. By no means is it easy, but it's absolutely possible when we understand truly ourselves, we understand our want, needs, and desires, and we understand the boundaries that we're willing to place.

Am I being so rigid and so everything's giving me an ick that I'm almost pushing people away, right? And so what I would look at is what I personally did was I needed to find whether I was going to say no to someone or yes to someone, two to three reasons as to why I would say yes or no. So if I'm swiping left, if I'm looking and going, I don't like their height,

Here's the thing, the beauty of the awareness that you have of, okay, that's something that I do. That way, when you're on the apps, if you're going to say no to someone and you're like, wait, Hala, you're only doing this because he's short. He's really attractive. He's cool. I like a lot about him.

But if that's it, I'll go, okay, that's not enough of a reason. Fine, I'll give this person a try. But if I say, oh, vice versa, ooh, I want to match with this person. They're 6'4". Is there any other reason I want to match with them? No, their prompts are stupid. Their photos look really lame. Okay, so then what am I matching with this person for?

That is how you can start to make different choices for yourself and say, okay, me chasing the guys that are above six feet hasn't gone anywhere. Let me give this a try. If it works, cool. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. That's that flexibility that we start to incorporate of, I'm allowed to say I want someone taller than me, but since I'm five feet, most people are going to be.

And I think what it comes to is that self-awareness of what is it that's a non-negotiable for me? Or Fine, you want to have height as a non-negotiable, I'll give it to you. You want to have hair color, right? You're allowed to have things that make you feel turned on by somebody. But we want to look at and say, am I super rigid? Is there no flexibility on this?

That's, I think, where we could start to look and say, great, let me try a new experience. Let's try matching with someone that's 5'9 and see how you feel when you go out with them. Is it their height that bothers you or are there 40 other things about them you don't like?

I've dated guys that are 5'8", and they're fantastic. There were other reasons it didn't work out. And so I think when it comes to apps, it's natural that it's going to be. The average person makes their decision within four seconds of an app. You have all but seconds to decide if you want to see somebody. But I'd argue to say similar in person, right? I've dated in New York where I'd go to a bar.

Not a fan of lists because then that's rigidity. What I would suggest, because a lot of people, my brother's whole thing has always been burn your fucking checklist. He's like, it's not getting you anywhere. What I would suggest is focus on how do I want to feel when I'm with this person? For instance, I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. What's that going to mean, right?

If I look and go, oh, I'm not attracted, I walk off. If this guy tries to talk to me, no, thank you. I don't want it. So I think there is an element of reality that, yes, of course, are there vibe checks? Like my partner's not my type. Not that he's not attractive. He's just not the same guy I always went for. That's why I chose him because I said, oh, what am I saying no to?

If I want to feel that with someone, wow, that feels so secure. So what I'm looking for is someone that's compassionate because for me to feel seen, heard, and understood, I need compassion and empathy. I need someone that loves acts of service. So that's what I would look at is how I want to feel. Because you could meet someone and go, they check all my boxes, right?

I said, oh, just because he's not my type, that's not enough of a reason for me to say no to this person. So I matched with him. And like, here's the thing. If you're unsure, do a FaceTime vibe check. Right, if you're like, oh, he's a little short, but maybe he has a great personality, I'll do a FaceTime with him before I go out with him.

They're tall, they're successful, they're fun. They do all of these things, but yet I'm not feeling it. Well, it could be I'm not feeling it because I'm so used to dysfunction, right? I am. That when I meet someone that's secure, oh, it feels off. So they check all the boxes, but I want to look at how do I want to feel with this person?

I was supposed to do Shark Tank, got sent home. It was this whole debacle. And I had been hustling and growing it and doing everything I could and pouring my life in. And then I just realized at the end of it, what did I have to show, right? Okay, so I had money in the bank and I had this career, but I didn't feel fulfilled.

You can bucketize people into, I'll do FaceTimes with these people, but I'll go out with these people. What we wanna look at is, am I saying no to people because I'm being rigid or am I saying no to people because they genuinely don't align with what it is that I feel like I want or need?

Because you could meet someone that doesn't check those boxes and go, holy shit, I feel amazing with this person. That's what I want to look at and focus on is I want to feel reciprocated. I want to feel consistency. I want to feel that this person prioritizes me in their life, right? Or that dating is a priority.

That I think is something more concrete versus I want all of these boxes that maybe somebody doesn't have them doesn't mean they're not still a great match for you.

What I would say is we would also start with a little bit of compassion of there's nothing wrong with me that I like these tall men, but I would be curious then to ask you, what does their height represent to you? Is it that you feel safe and secure with somebody? This is creepy, but is your dad tall? Like my dad's 6'3", so I always thought that a bigger man was something I felt more attracted to.

What does the height represent, right? Is it security, safety? We have to look at that as what am I putting on the height as what does that mean to me? For me personally, it's because I wear heels. I don't want to be shorter than my partner all the time. And it made me feel better knowing that I have a bigger person than me. That was more attractive to me personally. But that's a me thing.

Well, that right there, what you just said is beautiful. My God, right? It's listening to that softer voice. So for me, when I was running software, I was running a million-dollar business alone. So as you can imagine, I was swamped, right? What I would do personally is I had very strict boundaries around my time.

So I'm curious, Hala, for you, when you hear that,

Okay, I allow myself once a week to go out on a date, right, or once or twice a week. I have a couple of times because the point is dating is an addition to your life. It's not instead of. So we do need to open up space. It can't be every week where you're like, well, I have my girlfriends on Monday. I have a work meeting Tuesday. Wednesday's my bingo night. Sorry, I don't have time.

and have some flexibility, right? If it's, I have to get this work done tonight, I have a deadline, then it's having a partner that understands, hey, I'm so sorry, I can't make it to dinner. Can I make it up to you? And it's really about understanding ourselves, how we communicate with other people.

It's like, you don't have time to date, right? We have to be open and receptive to that. But at that same token, we have to also be cognizant of just that. What is my gut telling me? What is my reasoning for going out with this person? If you're saying, listen, I haven't gone out on a date. I just want to get dressed up and go out. Go have fun.

Here's the thing, the beauty of the awareness that you have of, okay, that's something that I do. That way, when you're on the apps, if you're going to say no to someone and you're like, wait, Hala, you're only doing this because he's short. He's really attractive. He's cool. I like a lot about him.

But for you, I would say, because you're so swamped, coffee dates, Coffee dates are huge for me. I love a coffee date because what you could say is, hey, I'm about to go run an errand. Why don't you come meet me for 25 minutes? Let's see if we have something here. If we do, then we could go to dinner, right?

That is how you can start to make different choices for yourself and say, okay, me chasing the guys that are above six feet hasn't gone anywhere. Let me give this a try. If it works, cool. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. That's that flexibility that we start to incorporate of, I'm allowed to say I want someone taller than me, but since I'm five feet, most people are going to be.

That's you respecting your time and boundaries and saying, I just want to do a quick vibe check. FaceTime vibe check, right? Let's have a conversation on FaceTime. Wow, you're funny. Okay, cool. I'd like to meet you. Versus, oh, no, thank you. I'm not into this. Because at the end of the day, you set the boundaries, right? You prioritize how often you spend on work.

That's, I think, where we could start to look and say, great, let me try a new experience. Let's try matching with someone that's 5'9 and see how you feel when you go out with them. Is it their height that bothers you or are there 40 other things about them you don't like?

You prioritize how your friendships are. It's just another priority. And if you're telling me, well, I don't prioritize that, it's like, well, then there you go. You're not ready for a relationship. It's okay.

And so when I started this career, I also met my partner at the same time and navigating growing a business and like really scaling a business while trying to form a relationship. By no means is it easy, but it's absolutely possible when we understand truly ourselves, we understand our want, needs, and desires, and we understand the boundaries that we're willing to place.

Not a fan of lists because then that's rigidity. What I would suggest, because a lot of people, my brother's whole thing has always been burn your fucking checklist. He's like, it's not getting you anywhere. What I would suggest is focus on how do I want to feel when I'm with this person? For instance, I want to feel seen, heard, and understood. What's that going to mean, right?

Which is fine. Listen, you're allowed to believe anything you want. I will never try to dissuade you. But what I would say is then you're chasing a feeling. You want, I wanted to feel sexy. I wanted to feel this. But the reality is that is going to fade. That's not going to last forever.

If I want to feel that with someone, wow, that feels so secure. So what I'm looking for is someone that's compassionate because for me to feel seen, heard, and understood, I need compassionate empathy. I need someone that loves acts of service. So that's what I would look at is how I want to feel because you could meet someone and go, they check all my boxes, right?

So what we want to see is if I just show up in a workout outfit looking like this and you and I have a great fucking conversation over coffee, that is more important than I got all dressed up. He took me to this amazing dinner, but then I never heard from him again. because it's performative, right? And so that's why I would say, do what feels comfortable for you.

They're tall, they're successful, they're fun, they do all of these things, but yet I'm not feeling it. Well, it could be I'm not feeling it because I'm so used to dysfunction, right? I am. That when I meet someone that's secure, oh, it feels off. So they check all the boxes, but I want to look at how do I want to feel with this person?

But for me personally, that was me respecting my time. Hey, I'm going to go walk the dog. Why don't you join me? Because if I can't just go on a walk with you and have a good conversation, then what relationship are you and I going to build? Because if I'm focused on, well, I want to feel the spark and I want to feel this excitement, that's the first thing that's going to go.

Because you could meet someone that doesn't check those boxes and go, holy shit, I feel amazing with this person. That's what I want to look at and focus on is I want to feel reciprocated. I want to feel consistency. I want to feel... that this person prioritizes me in their life, right? Or that dating is a priority.

It is possible, but I think more often than not, we think it's one or the other, and we don't realize you can have both. It's just about balance.

And then all of a sudden we wonder why people go, but in my relationship, I'm bored. which, Hala, I say this with love, but given what you shared about earlier, that high and low, that's, I think, why, is because you want to feel that excitement so that it'll keep going, but then you notice how eventually it's going to come down.

That I think is something more concrete versus I want all of these boxes that maybe somebody doesn't have them. Doesn't mean they're not still a great match for you.

And so we want to find a baseline, something that feels just calm and secure. The reason I bring up coffee dates is because of the timing thing. If you were like, oh, I'm not running a business, I got plenty of time. I got all these nights I could go out to dinner. Great, do what feels comfortable.

But then we hear the, well, I got ready and I did my makeup and my hair and this person never called me back. It's like, because no one owes you anything. And so that's me respecting my time and my boundaries saying, you don't owe me anything and I don't owe you anything. Let's meet at Erewhon for 30 minutes. Let's have a quick jive. If we get it, great. I'd love to go to dinner with you.

And if not, that's cool too.

Well, that right there, what you just said is beautiful. My God, right? It's listening to that softer voice. So for me, when I was running software, I was running a million dollar business alone. So as you can imagine, I was swamped, right? What I would do personally is I had very strict boundaries around my time. Okay, I allow myself once a week to go out on a date, right?

Or once or twice a week. I have a couple of times because the point is dating is an addition to your life. It's not instead of. So we do need to open up space. It can't be every week where you're like, well, I have my girlfriends on Monday. I have a work meeting Tuesday. Wednesday's my bingo night. Sorry, I don't have time. It's like, you don't have time to date, right?

I think if that helps you feel like you can manage your schedule, sure. I think there's also an element of reality. I'm sure that you're not so rigid that if you met someone that you really liked and they're like, hey, I'm so sorry, I can't do Friday. Could you do Thursday? You're like, okay, fine. I can make an exception, right? Like, especially if there's somebody really great.

We have to be open and receptive to that. But at that same token, we have to also be cognizant of just that. What is my gut telling me? What is my reasoning for going out with this person? If you're saying, listen, I haven't gone out on a date. I just want to get dressed up and go out, go have fun. But for you, I would say, because you're so swamped, coffee dates are Coffee dates are huge for me.

That's, I think, it is really just about feeling in control of your dating life. And that's okay if you're like, hey, I do my first dates on a Friday or Saturday. That way I don't have to worry about work. Absolutely. That's a boundary that you're setting. The other alternative could be I also leave a Tuesday at 6 o'clock just for me because I don't do late nights. For me, like, I'm up at 5 a.m.

I love a coffee date because what you could say is, hey, I'm about to go run an errand. Why don't you come meet me for 25 minutes? Let's see if we have something here. If we do, then we could go to dinner, right? That's you respecting your time and boundaries and saying, I just want to do a quick vibe check. FaceTime vibe check, right? Let's have a conversation on FaceTime. Wow, you're funny.

every morning. I can't be out. I don't drink alcohol. I don't want to do that whole thing. So I'm going to do an earlier date. But it's a really great way to see because here's the beauty about what I like about what you're doing is you're setting a boundary saying, hey, I can only go out Friday. Somebody that respects you will say, cool, let me make it happen. Or, hey, Hala, I'm so sorry.

Okay, cool. I'd like to meet you versus, oh, no, thank you. I'm not into this because at the end of the day, you set the boundaries, right? You prioritize how often you spend on work. You prioritize how your friendships are. It's just another priority. And if you're telling me, well, I don't prioritize that, it's like, well, then there you go. You're not ready for a relationship. It's okay.

Could I do Thursday? Right. You can have a conversation. Versus if you say that and they're like, wow, high maintenance, no thank you, goodbye, right? You get to see when I scratch the surface a little bit and I say no to you, how does that person show up?

and have some flexibility, right? If it's, I have to get this work done tonight, I have a deadline, then it's having a partner that understands, hey, I'm so sorry, I can't make it to dinner. Can I make it up to you? And it's really about understanding ourselves, how we communicate with other people.

Which is fine. Listen, you're allowed to believe anything you want. I will never try to dissuade you. But what I would say is then you're chasing a feeling. You want, I want it to feel sexy. I want it to feel this. But the reality is that is going to fade. That's not going to last forever.

So what we want to see is if I just show up in a workout outfit looking like this and you and I have a great fucking conversation over coffee, that is more important than I got all dressed up. He took me to this amazing dinner, but then I never heard from him again. because it's performative, right? And so that's why I would say, do what feels comfortable for you.

Totally. Okay. So my question back would be, and how has that worked?

But for me personally, that was me respecting my time. Hey, I'm going to go walk the dog. Why don't you join me? Because if I can't just go on a walk with you and have a good conversation, then what relationship are you and I going to build? Because if I'm focused on, well, I want to feel the spark and I want to feel this excitement, that's the first thing that's going to go.

So scientifically, right? This isn't me just making shit up. This is an actual study. If you Google, anybody that wants to Google the spark by Harvard, that's it. It'd come up to 2015.

My friend, Scott, he is a doctor, like a psychologist, and he calls them the trauma tingles because scientifically what they've seen is the spark is just your nervous system giving blood to your, I call them the phalanges, but to your hands and your feet so that you could run. Because there's something that your body is recognizing that feels familiar.

And then all of a sudden we wonder why people go, but in my relationship, I'm bored. Which, Paula, I say this with love, but given what you shared about earlier, that high and low, that's, I think, why. It's because you want to feel that excitement so that it'll keep going, but then you notice how eventually it's going to come down.

So you felt the spark with these guys and you look back and you're like, yeah, they were all abusive or whatever, not abusive, but controlling or this or that, right? Whatever, insert this word. Because what ends up happening is, let me ask you this, the spark, right? You feel that. If you weren't attracted to that person, you'd probably be like, I need to get out of here. Something feels off.

And so we want to find a baseline, something that feels just calm and secure. The reason I bring up coffee dates is because of the timing thing. If you were like, oh, I'm not running a business. I got plenty of time. I got all these nights I could go out to dinner. Great. Do what feels comfortable.

But then we hear the, well, I got ready and I did my makeup and my hair and this person never called me back. It's like, because no one owes you anything. And so that's me respecting my time and my boundaries saying, you don't owe me anything and I don't owe you anything. Let's meet at Erewhon for 30 minutes. Let's have a quick jive. If we get it, great. I'd love to go to dinner with you.

I feel this intensity. I'm dysregulated. I don't feel safe here. The problem is we see someone attractive and go, oh, Oh my God, it's a sign. What we want to look at is we want your nervous system to feel regulated. We want your nervous system to feel safe with this person. And that means that the spark isn't going to be present. That doesn't mean you can't have attraction.

And if not, that's cool too.

When I first met my partner, I felt nothing. No spark, nothing. And I just thought, he's a nice guy. I'll keep getting to know him. And we went on a hike. We went for like three hours and it was like this beautiful hike in this neighborhood, whatever, whatever. And then after he said, listen, I'd love to take you to dinner if you're open to it. If not, totally understand. We could part ways.

And I said, you know what? Let me give him a try. He didn't do anything wrong. He's adorable. I'm just not feeling it. And sure enough, we went back to his house to drop off the dog. We both got changed and we walked out. I was like, oh, he's way cuter than I like thought he was. And he like came and kissed me. And all of a sudden I like felt it. I was like, oh, I like this.

It is possible, but I think more often than not, we think it's one or the other, and we don't realize you can have both. It's just about balance.

And we ended up hooking up. And fast forward, here we are. We went to dinner after. I never have felt the spark with him because my nervous system has always felt very safe with him because he's not inconsistent. He's not doing any of those things. He's being very upfront, consistent, safe, reciprocal. He communicates. And that's different for me. And the thing is, the spark often is familiarity.

I think if that helps you feel like you can manage your schedule, sure. I think there's also an element of reality. I'm sure that you're not so rigid that if you met someone that you really liked and they're like, hey, I'm so sorry, I can't do Friday. Could you do Thursday? You're like, okay, fine. I can make an exception, right? Like, especially if there's somebody really great.

That's, I think, it is really just about feeling in control of your dating life. And that's okay if you're like, hey, I do my first dates on a Friday or Saturday. That way I don't have to worry about work. Absolutely. That's a boundary that you're setting. The other alternative could be I also leave a Tuesday at 6 o'clock just for me because I don't do late nights. For me, like, I'm up at 5 a.m.

Notice how you went after all these men. And what did you say earlier? They reminded me of my dad. Because that's what the spark leads us to is that people that feel familiar that are often end up usually hurting us because we're chasing a feeling. And when that feeling fades, what do you have left?

every morning. I can't be out. I don't drink alcohol. I don't want to do that whole thing. So I'm going to do an earlier date. But it's a really great way to see because here's the beauty about what I like about what you're doing. is you're setting a boundary saying, hey, I can only go out Friday. Somebody that respects you will say, cool, let me make it happen.

Or hey, Hala, I'm so sorry, could I do Thursday, right? You can have a conversation. Versus if you say that and they're like, wow, high maintenance? No, thank you, goodbye, right? You get to see when I scratch the surface a little bit and I say no to you, how does that person show up?

Totally. It's a great question. I personally am in a relationship as I am the entrepreneur. My partner has always just had a job. He's just worked in tech. He's never owned his own company. And the one major aspect I think is it's really about the communication.

I just did a video recently of like, instead of ghosting, say this, went mega viral, like 11 million. I got thousands of comments polarizing. One being like, yes, thank you. This is it, maturity. Yes, please be honest. And then the other side of the internet, I'd rather get ghosted. Ghosting's easier. I don't owe anybody anything, right? So we look at the emotional maturity, but...

So my question back would be, and how has that worked?

Off the bat, let's talk about what ghosting is. By definition, ghosting means an abrupt ending in a relationship. That's the key word here. So that means we have had to build some kind of rapport. To me, the I haven't answered on an app, that's not ghosting to me. You don't know who this person is. You have never met this person. You don't owe these people anything.

So scientifically, right? This isn't me just making shit up. This is an actual study. If you Google, anybody that wants to Google the spark by Harvard, that's it. It'd come up to 2015.

My friend, Scott, he is a doctor, like a psychologist, and he calls them the trauma tingles because scientifically what they've seen is the spark is just your nervous system giving blood to your, I call them the phalanges, but to your hands and your feet so that you could run. Because there's something that your body is recognizing that feels familiar.

And that to me means expectations, right? If I say, well, what the hell? This person ghosted me on an app. It's like, why are you expecting some stranger on the internet to owe you anything?

They might not even be real, right? Catfishing is so huge. They're bots, right? And also there's a reality that I don't know who you are. I've talked to you for a day. I don't owe you anything. Maybe you said something that was a huge turnoff and I was just like, I'm good, I'm out, right?

So you felt the spark with these guys and you look back and you're like, yeah, they were all abusive or whatever, not abusive, but controlling or this or that, right? Whatever, insert this word. Because what ends up happening is, let me ask you this, the spark, right? You feel that. If you weren't attracted to that person, you'd probably be like, I need to get out of here. Something feels off.

And so then what I see the people that are like, I can't believe they ghosted and they message a thousand times. It's like, that's probably why this person said, no, thank you. I'm kind of the same. Listen, let's say you have a first date. No one texts each other after. That's not ghosting. No one said anything. You move on with your life. You don't owe anyone anything.

I feel this intensity. I'm dysregulated. I don't feel safe here. The problem is we see someone attractive and go, oh, Oh my God, it's a sign. What we want to look at is we want your nervous system to feel regulated. We want your nervous system to feel safe with this person. And that means that the spark isn't going to be present. That doesn't mean you can't have attraction.

To me, where the ghosting starts to play in is you've spent time with this person, right? You've spent time with this person and they're texting you like, hey, I'd love to see you again. You just never hear back. You could have just said that you're not interested, right? But I think you have to have a rapport that's built before you can say this person ghosted me.

If physicality is important, don't kid yourself. You don't need to do charity work and date someone because they're nice to you, but you don't even want them to touch you. Talk to me about sparks and how we should think about them. The spark is just your nervous system giving blood to your hands and your feet so that you could run.

When I first met my partner, I felt nothing. No spark, nothing. And I just thought, he's a nice guy. I'll keep getting to know him. And we went on a hike. We went for like three hours and it was like this beautiful hike in this neighborhood, whatever, whatever. And then after he said, listen, I'd love to take you to dinner if you're open to it. If not, totally understand. We could part ways.

Because we have to remember too, ghosting, what does it do to our psyche? If I'm saying everyone ghosts me, that means I'm not going to trust people. I'm going to start to feel, oh, I don't believe, right? Then I have a different energy versus they didn't answer. Oh, well, thanks for doing me the favor. I didn't waste any more of my time.

And I said, you know what? Let me give him a try. He didn't do anything wrong. He's adorable. I'm just not feeling it. And sure enough, we went back to his house to drop off the dog. We both got changed and we walked out. I was like, oh, he's way cuter than I like thought he was. And he like came and kissed me. And all of a sudden I like felt it. I was like, oh, I like this.

And it's important to be very clear with the person that you're seeing, you're dating, like, hey, my priority right now is scaling this business, getting it to this level, doing what I need to do in order to get that, which is going to mean that there are going to be sacrifices that need to happen.

And we ended up hooking up. And fast forward, here we are. We went to dinner after. I never have felt the spark with him because my nervous system has always felt very safe with him because he's not inconsistent. He's not doing any of those things. He's being very upfront, consistent, safe, reciprocal. He communicates. And that's different for me. And the thing is, the spark often is familiarity.

One, take a break. You have every right to say, I don't want a date right now. I need to take a minute. I'm exhausted, right? Take some time. But on top of that, so then we start to go in and say, let's start to talk about what's causing the burnout. Is it that I say I'm going on a thousand dates and I'm not getting second dates?

Notice how you went after all these men. And what did you say earlier? They reminded me of my dad. Because that's what the spark leads us to is that people that feel familiar that are often end up usually hurting us because we're chasing a feeling. And when that feeling fades, what do you have left?

Okay, I need to become a better buyer then because I'm going on way too many first dates and not really vetting these people well. we kind of have to understand where the burnout really lies. So if it's that, if it's I'm just tired of the apps and feeling disappointed, okay, you know what? Let me use them passively.

Let me see who tries to match with me, and then I will decide if I want to match with them. That way, I don't feel like I'm being rejected as hard. That's where I kind of go and say, start to get curious about what's the narrative that's being associated with the burnout. Is it that I don't feel like anyone's ever gonna like me? Nobody, oh God, everybody good is taken.

Oh, okay, I have black and white thinking, right? There's no facts to back up that every good person is taken. There's a lot of good people getting divorced, right? There's a lot of good people breaking up too. There's an evolution, there's a cycle. So we have to look and say, am I being rigid?

Am I having black and white thinking that's causing me to reaffirm my core beliefs that there's something wrong with me? oh, okay, maybe that's why I'm feeling burnt out. I'm being so hard on myself. I'm not having any compassion. Or is it because, like I said, you're not being a better buyer. You're going out with anybody that gives you the time of day. Oh, you know what?

I need to have better boundaries. This doesn't work for me. Is it because I'm overgiving, right? I meet somebody on one date and I'm ready, I'm buying them gifts and I'm trying to do everything to get them to like me. I need to pull it back. That's exhausting. I'm not having reciprocity.

So I think it's about just understanding where we fall on that, getting curious with ourselves, and then understanding what are boundaries and parameters I can put so that I feel comfortable. Coffee dates or one date a week, right?

Those are beautiful boundaries for yourself to say, I'm going to protect my mental health, but I'm also still going to remain open and receptive because I do want a relationship.

First date. Because here's the reality. I'm not saying first date, you have to start talking about, okay, I'm going to have six children. We're going to have a house in the cottage in the woods and we're going to... No, no, no, no. But if I'm going on a date with you and I know, okay, I'm 34, right? Me personally, I'm 34. If I were dating right now, I don't want children.

I had a talk with my partner to explain, yes, when we wake up in the morning, I'm probably checking my emails. I'm making sure that people in other countries, that brands and things that I'm dealing with in Switzerland that are 15 hours ahead, not Switzerland being 15 hours ahead, you know my point, but these different places, right? You're navigating different parts of the world.

Totally. It's a great question. I personally am in a relationship as I am the entrepreneur. My partner has always just had a job. He's just worked in tech. He's never owned his own company. And the one major aspect I think is it's really about the communication.

So to me, it's not an issue. But if I wanted children, I'd go... okay, Zohar, you got like two, three more years before this becomes geriatric, or it already is, before it becomes more dangerous for your health. So that means on a first date, the first thing I'm going to say is, hey, I'm super intentional. I want marriage and family. Does that align with you? Because if the guy goes, no, I'm good.

I don't want any more children. Great. I don't need to hang out with you again. No, thank you. Right? It's not about having a checklist that you're like, oh, perfect. You align with that. It's about getting curious with somebody. I talked to my partner about how'd your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? I wanted to see if he took accountability.

I wanted to see if he was going to blame his ex. Oh, my ex was crazy. Was she? Were they? They were crazy, huh? Tell me more. That's an interesting. I want to know, what are your political views? Are you super rigid on that? Because if I'm conservative, you're a liberal or vice versa, we're only going to have fights. This is not going to work.

That's the type of shit because we want to understand that your time is valuable. Let me ask you a question. If you had a client come to you, you're going to ask the hard questions off the bat, right? Hey, what's your budget? How much do you have, right? Or whatever, like all of the variables because you don't want to waste your time. It's the same with dating.

The reason I like how did your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? We're not talking about your ex. So it's not about saying, oh, well, my ex was all of these things. Okay, I didn't ask you about them. I asked you how it ended and what did you learn about yourself? So that right there is a great way to see, do they take accountability? Are they over their ex?

Have they moved on? Do they process? How do they speak about them? Another question I love to ask is, how do you normally handle disagreements or arguments? Are you the type that likes to talk or are you somebody that needs space, right? That'll give me an understanding of how do they handle conflict and resolution. Where do you see yourself in five years?

In a perfect world, how would you like this to play out, right? Just to understand if they're like, oh, I'm living here and I'm doing this. And you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. I want to live in the country with 10 kids. Like this doesn't align with me. Just asking things that are important to you. Like, what matters to me is I want to see how emotionally available you are.

I want to see how emotionally intelligent you are. I'm not going to talk about my family probably on the first date because I don't think it's appropriate to trauma dump. So I'm not going to ask you besides anything of like, so tell me about your relationship with your parents. Are you guys close? And if someone says, no, not really. Okay, cool.

And it's important to be very clear with the person that you're seeing, you're dating, like, hey, my priority right now is scaling this business, getting it to this level, doing what I need to do in order to get that, which is going to mean that there are going to be sacrifices that need to happen.

Well, hey, I'd love to learn more about that as I get to know you further.

When we look at red flags, all red flags are is a pattern of behavior that could indicate turmoil in a relationship. We hear this all the time. Oh, that's a red flag. And you're like, what's a red flag about it? How is that an indication that there's a problem in the relationship? What's a red flag? Someone dismissing me? Someone discrediting me? A red flag, all my exes are crazy.

And it's really about being communicative with your partner and saying like, hey, this is part of the gig, right? You want the entrepreneur, you want this person that's so driven and motivated, but that's also going to come with sacrifices that I'm going to need to make in this relationship. But I am still 100% committed to us growing together.

Oh, you don't take accountability. Got it. Right? Those are red flags. They're like somebody that their words and actions aren't aligning. Look, those are true red flags. Then we go onto the green flags. Green flags could be something so minute as they said they were gonna call and they called. They took me to their favorite restaurant and introduced me to the staff.

That's a great, wow, they are trying to bring me part of their life. We have to look at green flags are what are things that make me say, hey, this feels safe, secure, and good to me. They're consistent. Consistency means their words and actions align. They're reliable. When they say they're going to do something, they do it, or they communicate that they can't do it.

A green flag that often people is actually a red flag is like when people say, oh, well, they text me every day. That's not actually good. I don't want someone that's constantly texting me. Good morning. How are you? I don't know you, dude. I spent two hours with you. Why are you saying good morning to me? Who are you?

That's where we have to start to look and differentiate because green flags, I like to look at it as a glimmer to your nervous system. What that means is it's, yay, this makes me feel good and safe versus a red flag is more of a trigger to your nervous system. Ooh, I don't like that. That doesn't make me feel safe. This isn't a good look.

I just did a video recently of like, instead of ghosting, say this, went mega viral, like 11 million. I got thousands of comments polarizing. One being like, yes, thank you. This is it, maturity. Yes, please be honest. And then the other side of the internet, I'd rather get ghosted. Ghosting's easier. I don't owe anybody anything, right? So we look at the emotional maturity, but...

That's what we want to look at is when someone tells you something or acts, how does it make you feel? That's how you'll be able to differentiate between, is this a red flag for me or a green flag?

Off the bat, let's talk about what ghosting is. By definition, ghosting means an abrupt ending in a relationship. That's the key word here. So that means we have had to build some kind of rapport. To me, the I haven't answered on an app, that's not ghosting to me. You don't know who this person is. You have never met this person. You don't owe these people anything.

I think it depends on how that fits into your life. I know people that are asexual. So to them, they're like, that doesn't bother me. And it's like, okay, so sex is not a big deal. Whereas for me, I slept with my partner on the first date because it is huge for me. I need that intimacy in my relationship. So I think, listen, we've all, not all of us, but a lot of us have seen Love is Blind.

I had a talk with my partner to explain, yes, when we wake up in the morning, I'm probably checking my emails. I'm making sure that people in other countries, that brands and things that I'm dealing with in Switzerland that are 15 hours ahead, not Switzerland being 15 hours ahead, you know my point, but these different places, right? You're navigating different parts of the world.

And that to me means expectations, right? If I say, well, what the hell? This person ghosted me on an app. It's like, why are you expecting some stranger on the internet to owe you anything?

I think we know and acknowledge that it takes more than just a great personality for us to feel a connection. There is also, because for me, if I don't have the physical intimacy, that means that this is my roommate, right? You're just a friend of mine. That's what differentiates. But to other people, that works. So, hey, if that works for you, great. That's fine.

They might not even be real, right? Catfishing is so huge. They're bots, right? And also there's a reality that I don't know who you are. I've talked to you for a day. I don't owe you anything. Maybe you said something that was a huge turnoff and I was just like, I'm good, I'm out, right?

But we also have to look because now, I don't know if you've heard this too, Hala, there's all these different like demisexual, sapiosexual, all these new things. I get turned on by your mind. I get turned on by this. There's going to be something for everybody. So I think it's about just being true to yourself. If physicality is important, don't kid yourself.

And so then what I see, the people that are like, I can't believe they ghosted and they message a thousand times. It's like, that's probably why this person said, no, thank you. I'm kind of the same. Listen, let's say you have a first date. No one texts each other after. That's not ghosting. No one said anything. You move on with your life. You don't owe anyone anything.

You don't need to do charity work and date someone because they're nice to you, but you don't even want them to touch you.

To me, where the ghosting starts to play in is you've spent time with this person, right? You've spent time with this person and they're texting you like, hey, I'd love to see you again. You just never hear back. You could have just said that you're not interested, right? But I think you have to have a rapport that's built before you can say this person ghosted me.

Did you remember the book, The Game? No. Okay, so yeah, this was a while ago, but it was a guy, I'm a little fuzzy on it, but it was this guy, he wrote a book, and essentially it's teaching men how to get a woman to be obsessed with you. And so he started hanging out with all these players and learning their tools. And then a lot of men now take that book as like gospel. Negging is another part.

And if you're willing to sit by my side while we go through this, I promise to at least communicate along the way.

Because we have to remember too, ghosting, what does it do to our psyche? If I'm saying everyone ghosts me, that means I'm not going to trust people. I'm going to start to feel, oh, I don't believe, right? Then I have a different energy versus they didn't answer. Oh, well, thanks for doing me the favor. I didn't waste any more of my time.

So, negging is essentially putting you down. It's like a backhanded compliment. So, they're putting you down to make you question yourself. Negging, for example, could be, oh, wow, yeah, you actually do look good in white. And you're like... Thank you, right?

Couple of things. One, Take a break. You have every right to say, I don't want a date right now. I need to take a minute. I'm exhausted, right? Take some time. But on top of that, so then we start to go in and say, let's start to talk about what's causing the burnout. Is it that I say I'm going on a thousand dates and I'm not getting second dates?

It's like, it's a bit of a, and then it makes you feel a little insecure because you're like, oh, they're putting me down, but they're complimenting me. What that is, is it's giving the other person the control, right? Then they start to break you down as a person. Then you're like, oh, I want your validation. So do you not like white on me? Because you said, oh, wow, I actually look good in it.

Okay, I need to become a better buyer then because I'm going on way too many first dates and not really vetting these people well. we kind of have to understand where the burnout really lies. So if it's that, if it's I'm just tired of the apps and feeling disappointed, okay, you know what? Let me use them passively.

Do I not normally? It starts to make you question your own reality and your own. Negging is very common in narcissists a lot, but it doesn't have to be somebody who is a narcissist. Talk about an overused term. Negging could be someone who's insecure, who thinks if I put her down and give her a backhanded compliment, she's going to want me even more. And it's just not fun. This is not good shit.

Let me see who tries to match with me, and then I will decide if I want to match with them. That way, I don't feel like I'm being rejected as hard. That's where I kind of go and say, start to get curious about what's the narrative that's being associated with the burnout. Is it that I don't feel like anyone's ever gonna like me? Nobody, oh God, everybody good is taken.

Please don't neg people. But it's just a manipulation tactic so that you come out where somebody wants you even more.

Oh, okay, I have black and white thinking, right? There's no facts to back up that every good person is taken. There's a lot of good people getting divorced, right? There's a lot of good people breaking up too. There's an evolution, there's a cycle. So we have to look and say, am I being rigid?

Am I having black and white thinking that's causing me to reaffirm my core beliefs that there's something wrong with me? Oh, okay, maybe that's why I'm feeling burnt out. I'm being so hard on myself. I'm not having any compassion. Or is it because, like I said, you're not being a better buyer. You're going out with anybody that gives you the time of day. Oh, you know what?

Exactly. If you are wildly insecure, oh, that's just going to feel probably like your parents, right? Like, oh, you're putting me down again. Yeah, because there's something wrong with me. But like you said, when you've really done the work, you've come home to yourself and you're like, no, I'm pretty awesome. I don't know what you're talking about.

And it's really about being communicative with your partner and saying like, hey, this is part of the gig, right? You want the entrepreneur. You want this person that's so driven and motivated, but that's also going to come with sacrifices that I'm going to need to make in this relationship. But I am still 100% committed to us growing together.

That's the adult version, letting that little you know, like, I'm not going to let anyone talk to you like this ever again. You don't deserve this. It's a beautiful act of self-love.

I need to have better boundaries. This doesn't work for me. Is it because I'm overgiving? Right? I meet somebody on one date and I'm ready. I'm buying them gifts and I'm trying to do everything to get them to like me. I need to pull it back. That's exhausting. I'm not having reciprocity.

So I think it's about just understanding where we fall on that, getting curious with ourselves, and then understanding what are boundaries and parameters I can put so that I feel comfortable. Coffee dates or one date a week, right?

It's all those little like sending an emoji on a story, right? Like remember back on Facebook when you could poke people? Micro-flirting is not being as outward about it. And I think, listen, here's my thing. I'm a very blunt, direct, go for it type of person. So to me, I see micro-flirting as like, It's a soft blow of rejection. Oh, I don't want to get rejected. So let me micro flirt.

Those are beautiful boundaries for yourself to say, I'm going to protect my mental health, but I'm also still going to remain open and receptive because I do want a relationship.

And if they don't give me a sign, then I don't have to get rejected. If that works for you, fine. But to me, it's like, I'm either going to do it or I'm not. My mama always used to say, she's like, you're not half pregnant. You either are or you're not. So they call it like tapping on the window on Insta when someone likes all your story, all of your photos. And you're like, okay, I'm pretty sure.

First date. Because here's the reality. I'm not saying first date, you have to start talking about, okay, I'm going to have six children. We're going to have a house in the cottage in the woods and we're going to, no, no, no, no. But if I'm going on a date with you and I know, okay, I'm 34, right? Me personally, I'm 34. If I were dating right now, I don't want children.

They're not being outward because they don't want to be rejected. They're giving just enough to see if you reciprocate before they go any further.

So to me, it's not an issue. But if I wanted children, I'd go, okay, Zohar, you got like two, three more years before this becomes geriatric, it already is, before it becomes more dangerous for your health. So that means on a first date, the first thing I'm going to say is, hey, I'm super intentional. I want marriage and family. Does that align with you? Because if the guy goes, no, I'm good.

And look at how you receiving that. You're like, I'd love for you to just ask me out. Do it. But his fear of getting rejected is causing him to micro flirt. And you're like, I don't want this. I want someone that's going to come and ask me out.

I don't want any more children. Great. I don't need to hang out with you again. No, thank you. Right? It's not about having a checklist that you're like, oh, perfect. You align with that. It's about getting curious with somebody. I talked to my partner about how'd your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? I wanted to see if he took accountability.

Let's talk about this. The feminine masculine. Now, does it have a place? Yeah. Listen, there are feminine qualities. There's masculine. That's a polarity, right? But this open-hearted masculine, it's like, oh, let me guess. You're just saying, be vulnerable and open while still being manly. And it's like...

I wanted to see if he was going to blame his ex. Oh, my ex was crazy. Was she? Were they? They were crazy, huh? Tell me more. That's an interesting. I want to know, what are your political views? Are you super rigid on that? Because if I'm conservative, you're a liberal or vice versa. Yeah, we're only going to have fights. This is not going to work.

No, okay, so then what I would say is who is determining what's masculine and feminine, right? To some people, they'd say masculine men don't be vulnerable, but to me, I find that very sexy and masculine. I think that's really beautiful that you're in touch with yourself. So that's my issue with these feminine masculine conversations. It's the same with the high value stuff.

That's the type of shit because we want to understand that your time is valuable. Let me ask you a question. If you had a client come to you, you're going to ask the hard questions off the bat, right? Hey, what's your budget? How much do you have, right? Or whatever, like all of the variables because you don't want to waste your time. It's the same with dating.

It's like, who are you to determine my value because I wanna take you to coffee and not dinner? I'm suddenly, I don't have any worth. masculinity and femininity to me come into safety. Let's think about this. I can be feminine. And what is really feminine is the receiving, right? I can disarm. I can feel soft. I can be in my receiving. How am I going to receive if I don't feel safe?

The reason I like how did your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? We're not talking about your ex. So it's not about saying, oh, well, my ex was all of these things. Okay, I didn't ask you about them. I asked you how it ended and what did you learn about yourself? So that right there is a great way to see, do they take accountability? Are they over their ex?

I have to feel safe. And then my partner, he will protect me and be that masculine figure when he feels safe in order to do so. Otherwise, he's going to be like, I don't want to. Why would I protect you? You're not somebody that's for me. So I look at it less as I need to be masculine and feminine and more that I want to feel safe so that I can receive and disarm.

Have they moved on? Did they process? How do they speak about them? Another question I love to ask is, how do you normally handle disagreements or arguments? Are you the type that likes to talk or are you somebody that needs space, right? That'll give me an understanding of how do they handle conflict and resolution. Where do you see yourself in five years?

And if you're willing to sit by my side while we go through this, I promise to at least communicate along the way.

But then I can also step in and protect when I need to. That's how I would look at it, because open hearted masculinity, I think, is just trying to tell people it's like saying men wear pink, right? Like it's OK to have an open heart and be vulnerable and transparent and honest and open. You're still a man and masculine if you do that.

In a perfect world, how would you like this to play out, right? Just to understand if they're like, oh, I'm living here and I'm doing this. And you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. I want to live in the country with 10 kids. Like this doesn't align with me. Just asking things that are important to you. Like, what matters to me is I want to see how emotionally available you are.

I want to see how emotionally intelligent you are. I'm not going to talk about my family probably on the first date because I don't think it's appropriate to trauma dump. So I'm not going to ask you besides anything of like, so tell me about your relationship with your parents. Are you guys close? And if someone says, no, not really. Okay, cool.

I was the epitome of a hot mess. I don't know how else to say it in a polite way. For me personally, I grew up with a father who was an entrepreneur all of my life. My father owned businesses. He never worked for anybody else. And then I had a mom that was a stay-at-home mom.

I'm the same. I'm very masculine. And what does that mean? It's more outwards, right? I'm more go-getter. I'm going to protect and I'm going to serve and I'm going to be the mama bear, right? And it's like, but that's a balance, right? We do have feminine and masculine. Every person has that polarity. And I'm the same in my relationship. I just want to disarm.

Well, hey, I'd love to learn more about that as I get to know you further. Yeah.

When we look at red flags, all red flags are is a pattern of behavior that could indicate turmoil in a relationship. We hear this all the time. Oh, that's a red flag. And you're like, what's a red flag about it? How is that an indication that there's a problem in the relationship? What's a red flag? Someone dismissing me? Someone discrediting me? A red flag. All my exes are crazy.

I want to feel soft and taken care of and loved. That's because we find a balance. And then my partner works for my company. And so in careers, yeah, he's a little more feminine. He has to back down. And I'm the one that's taking reins. I'm the owner. But in our relationship, he gets to come in and be the masculine.

Oh, you don't take accountability. Got it. right? Those are red flags. They're like somebody that their words and actions aren't aligning. Look, those are true red flags. Then we go on to the green flags. Green flags could be something so minute as they said they were going to call and they called. They took me to their favorite restaurant and introduced me to the staff.

The funny thing is, people always equate masculine to, oh, the woman cooks and cleans. My partner cooks. He cleans. He takes care of the household. He does all of that. But he's protecting me. He's taking care of me. And I am... The breadwinner, right? I'm taking care of our salaries. I'm making sure. But it works for us. What we want to look at is what works for you, right?

That's a great, wow, they are trying to bring me part of their life. We have to look at green flags are what are things that make me say, hey, this feels safe, secure, and good to me. They're consistent. Consistency means their words and actions align. They're reliable. When they say they're going to do something, they do it or they communicate that they can't do it.

If you want a more traditional life, great. That comes with a price. If I don't, great. That comes with a price. What works for you?

The green flag that often people is actually a red flag is like when people say, oh, well, they text me every day. That's not actually good. I don't want someone that's constantly texting me. Good morning. How are you? I don't know you, dude. I spent two hours with you. Why are you saying good morning to me? Who are you?

Burn your fucking checklist. It's not getting you anywhere. Focus on how do I want to feel when I'm with this person? Because you could meet someone that doesn't check those boxes and go, holy shit, I feel amazing with this person.

That's where we have to start to look and differentiate because green flags, I like to look at it as a glimmer to your nervous system. What that means is it's, yay, this makes me feel good and safe versus a red flag is more of a trigger to your nervous system. Ooh, I don't like that. That doesn't make me feel safe. This isn't a good look.

I think what we have to look at here is where's the insecurity lie, right? Because for me, I totally understand. It felt like I was this badass boss babe. And you're like, but why can't I find a partner that wants that? And it all just meant was I just needed to find someone that was secure with a strong woman, right? My partner was raised by very strong women.

That's what we want to look at is when someone tells you something or acts, how does it make you feel? That's how you'll be able to differentiate between, is this a red flag for me or a green flag?

So it was two very polarizing experiences, one sacrificing everything to have children and then the other one sacrificing everything to have a business. So I grew up with a lot of core wounds, right? I'm not good enough. I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. And it doesn't surprise anybody that I went into sales, right?

I think it depends on how that fits into your life. I know people that are asexual. So to them, they're like, that doesn't bother me. And it's like, okay, so sex is not a big deal. Whereas for me, I slept with my partner on the first date because it is huge for me. I need that intimacy in my relationship. So I think, listen, we've all, not all of us, but a lot of us have seen Love is Blind a

I've met them all and they are incredible powerhouses. So meeting me was like, oh my God, this is what I've been looking for. And so I think what it is, it's about owning and acknowledging, yeah, Hala, you're a badass. You are not only gorgeous, not only smart, not only successful, you're going to be very intimidating to a lot of people.

But that doesn't mean that you need to water yourself down in order to have someone. That means that you stand in your confidence so that you can have a man that stands in his. I like to look at it as my partner is the frame and I'm the picture. We both can't be the center of attention. We both can't be the painting.

I think we know and acknowledge that it takes more than just a great personality for us to feel a connection. There is also, because for me, if I don't have the physical intimacy, that means that I'm just, this is my roommate, right? You're just a friend of mine. That's what differentiates, but to other people that work. So, hey, if that works for you, great, that's fine.

So I get to be this fun, bright, woo, and he's the structure that keeps me in place. Well, I need that balance. And I need, as a strong business owner, I need the support system. That doesn't mean I have to date a fellow business owner because they might be needing those same things. But I would say really embrace the parts of yourself that make you who you are.

But we also have to look because now, I don't know if you've heard this too, Hala, there's all these different like demisexual, sapiosexual, all these new things. I get turned on by your mind. I get turned on by this. There's going to be something for everybody. So I think it's about just being true to yourself. If physicality is important, don't kid yourself.

That's what makes you successful and cool is the fact that you are a go-getter. And there are going to be people out there that are going to love that. Don't let someone else's insecurities water you down.

You don't need to do charity work and date someone because they're nice to you, but you don't even want them to touch you. I love that.

Did you remember the book, The Game? No. Okay, so yeah, this was a while ago, but it was a guy, I'm a little fuzzy on it, but it was this guy, he wrote a book and essentially it's teaching men how to get a woman to be obsessed with you. And so he started hanging out with all these players and learning their tools. And then a lot of men now take that book as like gospel. Negging is another part.

Communication, number one, always and forever. A relationship is one giant conversation, right? You have to have those hard talks. Anytime you say, oh, I don't want to say something, it's going to push them away, you've already lost the relationship. That's number one.

If you have, my favorite therapist, she's a marriage and family therapist, her name is Julie Menino, and her stuff is called The Secure Relationship. And We were talking and she said, the one thing to look out for outside of the communication is two participants, two people, I don't care who they are, in this relationship that say, no matter what, we will make it work. Right?

So negging is essentially putting you down. It's like a backhanded compliment. So they're putting you down to make you question yourself. Negging, for example, could be, oh, wow, yeah, you actually do look good in white. And you're like, Thank you, right?

Of course, within reason, obviously. But two people, if you have two people that are driven to become better versions of themselves, like when my partner and I have an issue, anytime there's an issue, the first thing I'll say is, hey, to avoid resentment, can I share something with you? He knows when I say that, that it's time. Okay, I'm listening. What's going on? And same with him.

It's like, it's a bit of a, and then it makes you feel a little insecure because you're like, oh, they're putting me down, but they're complimenting me. What that is, is it's giving the other person the control, right? Then they start to break you down as a person. Then you're like, oh, I want your validation. So do you not like white on me? Because you said, oh, wow, I actually look good in it.

That way, if I say something, he'll go, okay. Thank you for letting me know. I had no idea I impacted you on that. I'm going to talk to my therapist about steps that I can take so that I can make you feel more supported. That way I communicate and then I let my partner do what they need to do. But you know what the common denominator is?

Do I not normally? It starts to make you question your own reality and your own... Negging is very common in narcissists a lot, but it doesn't have to be somebody who is a narcissist. Talk about an overused term. Negging could be someone who's insecure, who thinks if I put her down and give her a backhanded compliment, she's going to want me even more. And it's just not fun. This is not good shit.

Both of us are committed to making this work within our power. I can't do the work for him and he can't do it for me. But as long as you're two people that have respect, that listen, that communicate, then The sky is the fucking limit. You will go through all the hard times as long as you remember that you're a team. Work through your triggers. Your partner's going to trigger you. That's okay.

Please don't neg people. But it's just a manipulation tactic so that you come out where somebody wants you even more.

I was the epitome of a hot mess. I don't know how else to say it in a polite way. For me personally, I grew up with a father who was an entrepreneur all of my life. My father owned businesses. He never worked for anybody else. And then I had a mom that was a stay-at-home mom.

It doesn't mean that everything has to be perfect. Conflict is part of it. The repair is what we want to look at.

I had to sell myself and convince people, and I crushed it as being in sales and working in wholesale and in fashion. I lived in New York for 12 years, and I just started to realize I am the epitome of trauma. I continue to repeat the same patterns. I continue to date the same people. I continue to have the same experiences. And for me, I leaned highly anxious. So

Exactly. If you are wildly insecure, oh, that's just going to feel probably like your parents, right? Like, oh, you're putting me down again. Yeah, because there's something wrong with me. But like you said, when you've really done the work, you've come home to yourself and you're like, no, I'm pretty awesome. I don't know what you're talking about.

Start noticing the sensations in your body. And the reason I say that is because when you start to understand yourself, you are a goddamn superpower. It is incredible that when you understand, wait a minute, oh, whoa, this is a sensation in my body. I can go regulate this. You will be more profitable the next day because you'll make decisions from a clearer head.

That's the adult version, letting that little you know, like, I'm not going to let anyone talk to you like this ever again. You don't deserve this. It's a beautiful act of self-love.

You'll make decisions from a more empowered space and you're making decisions for your highest good, not out of anxiety or fear.

It's all those little like sending an emoji on a story, right? Like remember back on Facebook when you could poke people? Micro-flirting is not being as outward about it. And I think, listen, here's my thing. I'm a very blunt, direct, go for it type of person. So to me, I see micro-flirting as like, It's a soft blow of rejection. Oh, I don't want to get rejected. So let me micro flirt.

My secret to profiting in life truly is the unapologetic aspect that I am myself and I'm not going to change. Because if I don't stand for something, I fall for everything. And so authentically accepting myself. Does she curse a lot? Yep. Do I talk a lot? You bet your ass I do. Do I have all of these qualities? Absolutely. but that's who I am. That's what makes me so unique and special.

And if they don't give me a sign, then I don't have to get rejected. If that works for you, fine. But to me, it's like, I'm either going to do it or I'm not. My mama always used to say, she's like, you're not half pregnant. You either are or you're not. So they call it like tapping on the window on Insta when someone likes all your story, all of your photos. And you're like, okay, I'm pretty sure.

And I think embracing those aspects of yourself and not being ashamed, not dismissing yourself, not discrediting yourself is truly what makes me feel the most authentic and powerful in my own life.

They're not being outward because they don't want to be rejected. They're giving just enough to see if you reciprocate before they go any further.

SabrinaZohar.com is my website or Sabrina.Zohar on TikTok or Instagram or The Sabrina Zohar Show. If you guys want to learn more about like dating, anxiety, and doing the work to heal, I got you.

And look at how you receiving that. You're like, I'd love for you to just ask me out. Do it. But his fear of getting rejected is causing him to micro flirt. And you're like, I don't want this. I want someone that's going to come and ask me out. Exactly. Exactly.

So it was two very polarizing experiences, one sacrificing everything to have children and then the other one sacrificing everything to have a business. So I grew up with a lot of core wounds, right? I'm not good enough. I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. And it doesn't surprise anybody that I went into sales, right?

Okay. Let's talk about this. The feminine masculine. Now, does it have a place? Yeah. Listen, there are feminine qualities. There's masculine. That's a polarity, right? But this open-hearted masculine, it's like, oh, let me guess. You're just saying, be vulnerable and open while still being manly. And it's like... No, okay.

So then what I would say is who is determining what's masculine and feminine, right? To some people, they'd say masculine men don't be vulnerable. But to me, I find that very sexy and masculine. I think that's really beautiful that you're in touch with yourself. So that's my issue with these feminine masculine conversations. It's the same with the high value stuff.

It's like, who are you to determine my value because I want to take you to coffee and not dinner? I'm suddenly, I don't have any worth. masculinity and femininity to me come into safety. Let's think about this. I can be feminine. And what is really feminine is the receiving, right? I can disarm. I can feel soft. I can be in my receiving. How am I going to receive if I don't feel safe?

I have to feel safe. And then my partner, he will protect me and be that masculine figure when he feels safe in order to do so. Otherwise, he's going to be like, I don't want to. Why would I protect you? You're not somebody that's for me. So I look at it less as I need to be masculine and feminine and more that I want to feel safe so that I can receive and disarm.

But then I can also step in and protect when I need to. That's how I would look at it, because open hearted masculinity, I think, is just trying to tell people it's like saying men wear pink, right? Like it's OK to have an open heart and be vulnerable and transparent and honest and open. You're still a man and masculine if you do that.

Really quick, just for anybody who's not familiar, we've got the attachment styles. And the reason I bring up attachment styles isn't because I want everyone to start diagnosing everyone they're dating. Attachment styles are just important for us, right? So off the bat, we've got four main attachment styles depending on who you're talking to.

I'm the same. I'm very masculine. And what does that mean? It's more outwards, right? I'm more go-getter. I'm going to protect and I'm going to serve and I'm going to be the mama bear, right? And it's like, but that's a balance, right? We do have feminine and masculine. Every person has that polarity. And I'm the same in my relationship. I just want to disarm.

I want to feel soft and taken care of and loved. That's because we find a balance. And then my partner works for my company. And so in careers, yeah, he's a little more feminine. He has to back down. And I'm the one that's taking reins. I'm the owner. But in our relationship, he gets to come in and be the masculine.

The funny thing is, people always equate masculine to, oh, the woman cooks and cleans. My partner cooks. He cleans. He takes care of the household. He does all of that. But he's protecting me. He's taking care of me. And I am... The breadwinner, right? I'm taking care of our salaries. I'm making sure. But it works for us. What we want to look at is what works for you, right?

If you want a more traditional life, great. That comes with a price. If I don't, great. That comes with a price.

I had to sell myself and convince people, and I crushed it as being in sales and working in wholesale and in fashion. I lived in New York for 12 years, and I just started to realize I am the epitome of trauma. I continue to repeat the same patterns. I continue to date the same people. I continue to have the same experiences. And for me, I leaned highly anxious. So

I think what we have to look at here is where's the insecurity lie, right? Because for me, I totally understand. It felt like I was this badass boss babe. And you're like, but why can't I find a partner that wants that? And it all just meant was I just needed to find someone that was secure with a strong woman, right? My partner was raised by very strong women.

I've met them all and they are incredible powerhouses. So meeting me was like, oh my God, this is what I've been looking for. And so I think what it is, it's about owning and acknowledging, yeah, Hala, you're a badass. You are not only gorgeous, not only smart, not only successful, you're going to be very intimidating to a lot of people.

But that doesn't mean that you need to water yourself down in order to have someone. That means that you stand in your confidence so that you can have a man that stands in his. I like to look at it as my partner is the frame and I'm the picture. We both can't be the center of attention. We both can't be the painting.

We've got secure, which means I can give and receive love. I understand independence and interdependence. People that are secure grew up in households where their parents were loving and compassionate and gave them the needs that they had. They attuned to their needs. They taught them how to give and receive, right? It's more of a balance. Then we have the insecure attachments.

So I get to be this fun, bright, woo, and he's the structure that keeps me in place. Well, I need that balance. And I need, as a strong business owner, I need the support system. That doesn't mean I have to date a fellow business owner because they might be needing those same things. But I would say really embrace the parts of yourself that make you who you are.

That's what makes you successful and cool is the fact that you are a go-getter. And there are going to be people out there that are going to love that. Don't let someone else's insecurities water you down.

Communication, number one, always and forever. A relationship is one giant conversation, right? You have to have those hard talks. Anytime you say, oh, I don't wanna say something, it's gonna push them away, you've already lost the relationship. That's the number one.

If you have, my favorite therapist, she's a marriage and family therapist, her name is Julie Menino, and her stuff is called The Secure Relationship. And we were talking and she said, the one thing to look out for outside of the communication is two participants, two people, I don't care who they are, in this relationship that say, no matter what, we will make it work. Right?

Of course, within reason, obviously. But two people, if you have two people that are driven to become better versions of themselves, like when my partner and I have an issue, anytime there's an issue, the first thing I'll say is, hey, to avoid resentment, can I share something with you? He knows when I say that, that it's time. Okay, I'm listening. What's going on? And same with him.

That way, if I say something, he'll go, okay. Thank you for letting me know. I had no idea I impacted you on that. I'm going to talk to my therapist about steps that I can take so that I can make you feel more supported. That way I communicate and then I let my partner do what they need to do. But you know what the common denominator is?

Really quick, just for anybody who's not familiar, we've got the attachment styles. And the reason I bring up attachment styles isn't because I want everyone to start diagnosing everyone they're dating. Attachment styles are just important for us, right? So off the bat, we've got four main attachment styles depending on who you're talking to.

Both of us are committed to making this work within our power. I can't do the work for him and he can't do it for me. But as long as you're two people that have respect, that listen, that communicate, the sky is the fucking limit. You will go through all the hard times as long as you remember that you're a team. Work through your triggers. Your partner's going to trigger you. That's okay.

It doesn't mean that everything has to be perfect. Conflict is part of it. The repair is what we want to look at.

The problem is we see someone attractive and go, oh my God, it's a sign. What we want to look at is what do you feel is important for a sustainable, long lasting relationship? Number one, always and forever. You have to.

Start noticing the sensations in your body. And the reason I say that is because when you start to understand yourself, you are a goddamn superpower. It is incredible that when you understand, wait a minute, oh, whoa, this is a sensation in my body. I can go regulate this. You will be more profitable the next day because you'll make decisions from a clearer head.

You'll make decisions from a more empowered space and you're making decisions for your highest good, not out of anxiety or fear.

We have anxious, which manifests in constantly needing validation, everything being external. You tell me I'm okay. I just need to know I'll be all right. Then the pendulum swings, and usually the anxious household is inconsistency, abandonment issues, things of caregivers not being there consistently. Then we have the avoidant, and the avoidant is the other end of the spectrum, right?

My secret to profiting in life truly is the unapologetic aspect that I am myself and I'm not going to change. Because if I don't stand for something, I fall for everything. And so authentically accepting myself. Does she curse a lot? Yep. Do I talk a lot? You bet your ass I do. Do I have all of these qualities? Absolutely. but that's who I am. That's what makes me so unique and special.

And I think embracing those aspects of yourself and not being ashamed, not dismissing yourself, not discrediting yourself is truly what makes me feel the most authentic and powerful in my own life.

SabrinaZohar.com is my website or Sabrina.Zohar on TikTok or Instagram or The Sabrina Zohar Show. If you guys want to learn more about like dating, anxiety, and doing the work to heal, I got you.

We've got secure, which means I can give and receive love. I understand independence and interdependence. People that are secure grew up in households where their parents were loving and compassionate and gave them the needs that they had. They attuned to their needs. They taught them how to give and receive, right? It's more of a balance. Then we have the insecure attachments.

The avoidant is not a bad person. That just means when triggered, this person learns to shut down. So the anxious goes outwards. I need the validation. The avoidant looks at this as, I just need to protect myself. Feelings aren't safe. I don't want to deal with this. Too much overload, shut down. So they go inward. And so we see that a lot, especially with high-powered CEOs.

We have anxious, which manifests in constantly needing validation, everything being external. You tell me I'm okay. I just need to know I'll be all right. Then the pendulum swings, and usually the anxious household is inconsistency, abandonment issues, things of caregivers not being there consistently. Then we have the avoidant, and the avoidant is the other end of the spectrum, right?

If you're super avoidant, you might be just no emotion, everything is factual, but that doesn't translate into our relationships because we do need to hold space for emotions. So oftentimes, a lot of business owners can be more avoidant-leaning because they learn, let me just dump everything into my business. I don't need to worry about the rest.

The avoidant is not a bad person. That just means when triggered, this person learns to shut down. So the anxious goes outwards. I need the validation. The avoidant looks at this as, I just need to protect myself. Feelings aren't safe. I don't want to deal with this. Too much overload, shut down. So they go inward. And so we see that a lot, especially with high-powered CEOs.

Then we have that disorganized attachment, which is the amalgamation, if you will. But it's really that push-pull. I want love. So they have that anxiety of I need it, I need it. But then when they get it, it's no, no, no, I'm scared of it. And they run. So that's where you'll see that push-pull where you almost feel like you're going crazy. That's this disorganized attachment.

If you're super avoidant, you might be just no emotion, everything is factual, but that doesn't translate into our relationships because we do need to hold space for emotions. So oftentimes, a lot of business owners can be more avoidant-leaning because they learn, let me just dump everything into my business. I don't need to worry about the rest.

Those are really prevalent in homes of abuse, right? You love your caregiver, but you're scared of them at the same time. So it creates that amalgamation. The reason I bring that up is just to say I was the poster child for anxiety, right? I was constantly seeking external validation, inclusive of my business, right? Trying to present myself.

Then we have that disorganized attachment, which is the amalgamation, if you will. But it's really that push-pull. I want love. So they have that anxiety of I need it, I need it. But then when they get it, it's no, no, no, I'm scared of it. And they run. So that's where you'll see that push-pull where you almost feel like you're going crazy. That's this disorganized attachment.

And it was 10 years of doing the same shit, 10 years of dating the same people, dating the emotionally unavailable, not understanding what was wrong with me, feeling so insecure in my business. When I started software, it didn't matter how much money we made. Every day I was scared, fear. Fear was driving the car. And that's that anxiety.

Those are really prevalent in homes of abuse, right? You love your caregiver, but you're scared of them at the same time. So it creates that amalgamation. The reason I bring that up is just to say I was the poster child for anxiety, right? I was constantly seeking external validation, inclusive of my business, right? Trying to present myself.

And for me, that manifested in my dating relationships being shit. I married my father. I married an exact replica of the man I was trying to run away from my entire life. And after that, when I hit rock bottom and I just said, I'm a shell of a human. I don't have any money. This was 2018. And I said, I'm starting therapy.

If physicality is important, don't kid yourself. You don't need to do charity work and date someone because they're nice to you, but you don't even want them to touch you. Talk to me about sparks and how we should think about them. The spark is just your nervous system giving blood to your hands and your feet so that you could run.

And it was 10 years of doing the same shit, 10 years of dating the same people, dating the emotionally unavailable, not understanding what was wrong with me, feeling so insecure in my business. When I started software, it didn't matter how much money we made. Every day I was scared. Fear. Fear was driving the car. And that's that anxiety.

And that just started to understand, oh, where did I learn this behavior from? Oh, wait, what's coming up for me? Oh, wow, wait, in my business, I'm also manifesting as this very anxious person. And it's coming out in my relationships, right? Like you just start to understand how they're correlating. Fast forward 2022, I moved to LA, I left New York. I was running software.

And for me, that manifested in my dating relationships being shit. I married my father. I married an exact replica of the man I was trying to run away from my entire life. And after that, when I hit rock bottom and I just said, I'm a shell of a human. I don't have any money. This was 2018. And I said, I'm starting therapy.

Software during COVID exploded. We hit a million dollars that year and it was just me running everything. So I was super proud of the business that I'd built. And the next year I'm ready to go on Shark Tank. This is July of 2022. None of what I have now existed. I wasn't a dating coach or a relationship coach or anything.

And that just started to understand, oh, where did I learn this behavior from? Oh, wait, what's coming up for me? Oh, wow, wait, in my business, I'm also manifesting as this very anxious person. And it's coming out in my relationships, right? Like you just start to understand how they're correlating. Fast forward 2022, I moved to LA, I left New York. I was running software.

But at the time, I was doing a ton of podcasts and panels and people were reaching out to me to coach them for business. Like, how do you start a business from nothing? Can you teach me about the mindset and things like that? So I was coaching people off the beaten path, if you will. And I was on Shark Tank and I was like, this is it. This is going to be my life. I'm going to fucking kill it.

Software during COVID exploded. We hit a million dollars that year and it was just me running everything. So I was super proud of the business that I'd built. And the next year I'm ready to go on Shark Tank. This is July of 2022. None of what I have now existed. I wasn't a dating coach or a relationship coach or anything.

I'm going to get this deal. This is going to be it for me. And after 12 hours of on set, they said, sorry, we don't have time for you today. You got to go home. I crashed. That was the second big breakdown for me. The first being when my ex left me and my mom got sick and my life started to transition, I started my clothing company. Then this is fast forward five, six years later.

But at the time, I was doing a ton of podcasts and panels and people were reaching out to me to coach them for business. Like, how do you start a business from nothing? Can you teach me about the mindset and things like that? So I was coaching people off the beaten path, if you will. And I was on Shark Tank and I was like, this is it. This is going to be my life. I'm going to fucking kill it.

You're like, it feels like Groundhog's Day. You're like, wait a minute, how can I lose everything again? A month later, my dog passed away. I just couldn't understand what to do. I had no money. My business was in shambles. I broke up with this guy that I was not happy with. My dog passed away. My dating life is shit.

I'm going to get this deal. This is going to be it for me. And after 12 hours of on set, they said, sorry, we don't have time for you today. You got to go home. I crashed. That was the second big breakdown for me. The first being when my ex left me and my mom got sick and my life started to transition. I started my clothing company. Then this is fast forward five, six years later.

And all I kept thinking was there's gotta be other people that are hurting like I am. And there's gotta be other people that are looking at the clickbait on the internet saying, but this doesn't resonate with me. I don't wanna play these games. So I started to create my own content. I just picked up a TikTok one day and said, let me see if there's other people that resonate.

You're like, it feels like Groundhog's Day. You're like, wait a minute. How can I lose everything again? A month later, my dog passed away. I just couldn't understand what to do. I had no money. My business was in shambles. I broke up with this guy that I was not happy with. My dog passed away. My dating life is shit.

And that just mushroomed into, okay, there are. And people were coming to me like, hey, can we talk? I want you to coach me. I wanna work with you. And I just started to organically build this business on, okay, supply and demand. You want me, I'm here. I'll do what you need.

And all I kept thinking was there's got to be other people that are hurting like I am. And there's got to be other people that are looking at the clickbait on the internet saying, but this doesn't resonate with me. I don't want to play these games. So I started to create my own content. I just picked up a TikTok one day and said, let me see if there's other people that resonate.

But all of that was staying really fucking authentic to myself and not changing who I am and not trying to people please and oh, don't talk as fast because these people don't like it. No, this is who I am and this is how I speak. And that just allowed me to grow that business all while I met my partner at the same time. And my life changed when internally I changed.

And that just mushroomed into, okay, there are. And people were coming to me like, hey, can we talk? I want you to coach me. I want to work with you. And I just started to organically build this business on, okay, supply and demand. You want me, I'm here. I'll do what you need.

As a business owner, I've never been a better business owner because of the work that I've done.

The problem is we see someone attractive and go, oh my God, it's a sign.

But all of that was staying really fucking authentic to myself and not changing who I am and not trying to people please and, oh, don't talk as fast because these people don't like it. No, this is who I am and this is how I speak. And that just allowed me to grow that business all while I met my partner at the same time. And my life changed when internally I changed.

As a business owner, I've never been a better business owner because of the work that I've done.

For people that are listening, you're entrepreneurs, right? We're always waiting for the perfect moment. Oh, I need like, even I'm sure, Hala, you could have how many experiences where you're like, I was waiting, waiting, waiting, and then you start something and you just, it works, right? Your podcast, growing, expanding.

I could imagine there was prep, but you just sometimes have to say, let me just go for it. And it was the same. It was seeing a need in the market. And I think that's really something that I highlight with any entrepreneurs that I work with, What problem are you actually solving, right?

If you have a passion towards something and you say, I am the prime demographic that needs this material, well, then it's really understanding who my audience is so that I can resonate more with them. My mama has always taught me, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time.

100%.

For people that are listening, you're entrepreneurs, right? We're always waiting for the perfect moment. Oh, I need like, even I'm sure, Hala, you could have how many experiences where you're like, I was waiting, waiting, waiting, and then you start something and you just, it works, right? Your podcast, growing, expanding.

I could imagine there was prep, but you just sometimes have to say, let me just go for it. And it was the same. It was seeing a need in the market. And I think that's really something that I highlight with any entrepreneurs that I work with. What problem are you actually solving? right?

And understanding that, that as a business owner, I can't make everybody happy and I'm not trying to, but by really staying true and just watching the market and being very aware of, okay, this is what people want. Great, let me give them more. You know what? This isn't what people want. I don't need to put more of my energy into that.

If you have a passion towards something and you say, I am the prime demographic that needs this material, well, then it's really understanding who my audience is so that I can resonate more with them. My mama has always taught me, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. And

Allowed me to take control of my life, which is also very reminiscent of how we can experience our dating life. I can't control the outcome. I can't control if this is going to work, but I can control how I show up and how I navigate the waters.

And understanding that, that as a business owner, I can't make everybody happy and I'm not trying to, but by really staying true and just watching the market and being very aware of, okay, this is what people want. Great. Let me give them more. You know what? This isn't what people want. I don't need to put more of my energy into that.

You have to.

Allowed me to take control of my life, which is also very reminiscent of how we can experience our dating life. I can't control the outcome. I can't control if this is going to work, but I can control how I show up and how I navigate the waters.

No, because I'll be honest, people are really shitty at self-assessment. So I hear this every day of like, I'm secure and I'm this. And you're like, really? But all of these actions that you're stating don't match secure. And the reality is that attachment styles are not fixed. Wait, wait, before I go on, what did he say he was? I think he said he was avoidant. Right.

And the reality is because then if somebody's saying, oh, I'm avoidant, as the receiving end of that is a woman who has leans more anxious, huge red flag. And the problem is it's not that he's a red flag. It's not that he being avoidant is a red flag. It's because of what we've been taught and conditioned. The minute I hear, oh, you're more avoidant, no thanks, I don't want to deal with this.

No, because I'll be honest, people are really shitty at self-assessment. So I can, I hear this every day of like, I'm secure and I'm this. And you're like, really? But all of these actions that you're stating don't match secure. And the reality is that attachment styles are not fixed. Wait, wait, before I go on, what did he say he was? I think he said he was avoidant. Right.

And what happens is he ends up shooting himself in the foot because he can change that. He can heal through it. He can say something that would be an interesting topic is instead of asking somebody, what's your attachment style? Because some people would go, I don't know. I don't want to self-identify. The response and the question could be, how do you handle conflict?

And the reality is because then if somebody's saying, oh, I'm avoidant, as the receiving end of that is a woman who has leans more anxious, huge red flag. And the problem is it's not that he's a red flag. It's not that he being avoidant is a red flag. It's because of what we've been taught and conditioned. The minute I hear, oh, you're more avoidant, no thanks, I don't want to deal with this.

Do you shut down or do you need to talk about something immediately? That would give me an understanding, oh, maybe you lean more avoidant. Okay, well, what's uncomfortable about having the conversation? We can have more depth and understanding versus if he tells me he's avoidant and my response will be, oh, well, then what are we doing here? You're probably not even getting, right?

And what happens is he ends up shooting himself in the foot because he can change that. He can heal through it. He can say something that would be an interesting topic is instead of asking somebody, what's your attachment style? Because some people would go, I don't know. I don't want to self-identify. The response and the question could be, how do you handle conflict?