On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Dating Expert Sabrina Zohar: You’re Not Confused, You’re Ignoring the Signs (THIS Mindset Shift Will End the “What If” Loop for Good)
09 Feb 2026
Chapter 1: What are the emotional patterns that shape our dating experiences?
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When you're with somebody, I don't want you to focus on how do they feel about me. I want you to focus on how do I feel in my body when I'm with this person. We're so focused on, are they choosing me? Are they going to pick me? That we end up self-abandoning and say, my wants, needs, and desires don't matter.
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Chapter 2: How can we advocate for ourselves in relationships?
I need you to like me.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's guest is someone that I'm a huge fan of. I've been following her online for quite a bit now, and I'm so excited to introduce you to her. I'm sitting down with Sabrina Zohar, creator, podcast host, and one of the most viral voices in modern dating.
If you've ever found yourself chasing people who don't choose you, mistaking chaos for chemistry, or wondering why love feels so hard, this episode is going to hit home. Sabrina and I are going to dive into the patterns that keep you stuck, the boundaries that set you free, and the self-worth you need to finally date with clarity, confidence, and intention.
Chapter 3: How can we identify if someone is truly interested in us?
And I love her no BS approach. Please welcome to On Purpose, Sabrina Zohar. Sabrina, it's great to have you here.
Chapter 4: What are the signs of emotional unavailability in dating?
Jay, I am so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
Yeah, I honestly, when I've been following your content and watching your videos, I was like, I need to sit down with this woman. She's got amazing insights. I love how practical it is, how real it is. But let's dive right in.
I think the challenge today is, or at least what I feel people struggling with is, almost like the old challenge of sitting there with a flower and going, they love me, they love me not. They love me, they love me not. And I don't know when that was invented. But I feel like we're ruminating, we're overthinking, we're procrastinating. How do you know if someone's actually into you?
It's so funny. Thank you for reminding me about the flower. Because as you said, I was like, oh, my childhood. I think what we're really looking for, for me, I'm a big on effort equals interest. And I think we're getting in a time where that effort is starting to get muddied, right? We're looking at it as, are they texting me every day? Are they contacting me?
And we're looking at these dopamine hits as opposed to actually connecting with people. And so I think for me, are you feeling safe, seen, and secure with this person? Now, that might not happen after one date, but is this somebody that is reciprocal? Are they intentional? Are they consistent? Are they showing up for you?
And that doesn't just mean that they don't text you for a day, but is this person making plans? Are they actually progressing the relationship? And I think for me, you know, I'll be honest, like I have ADHD. So my cadence, my speech, I'm a totally different, the way that my brain works.
So I might show up differently and be super keen on somebody, whereas my partner is super avoidant and he's not in the texting and his way of showing up is I'm going to spend time with you. And so I think it's really important when we're actually trying to assess if somebody likes you, I want to see one, how does your nervous system feel?
Are we constantly in this hyper, hypo arousal, hyper arousal? Are we high? Are we low? But I really think it goes back to the old school way of doing it. Can you have an open conversation with them? And at the end of the day, can you just ask them, hey, how are you feeling about this? And what are your intentions with where we're going?
I know it sounds like, oh, we all want a trick and we all want something that we can look at. But I found really most people are pretty apt to having a conversation if we approach it in the right way.
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Chapter 5: How can setting boundaries lead to healthier relationships?
And that's the reality. If there's somebody that's growth minded and says like my partner and I, we're in therapy because he is a thousand percent in of like, I want to work through this. I don't want to be emotionally unavailable. I don't want to be avoidant. He's like, I want to be secure. I want to show up for you as the man you deserve. I didn't change. I didn't make him do that.
I told him from the beginning, if you don't let me in, I can't continue doing this. Yeah. And I set boundaries. And that's what's important is if you meet somebody and they're saying, like I had one guy and he said, oh, you know, I'm emotionally unavailable. And I said, yeah, so get out of my house. I was done with him. Done. Because every time I'd go and say, hey, I need to hold you accountable.
You said you were going to do this and you didn't. God, don't you have your own life? Why are you deflecting this onto me? You're not taking accountability for what you did. Now I could have sat and said, maybe one day, maybe one day. I'm not betting on potential because my dad never changed, so it makes me think these people will. It didn't matter how much I loved my father.
It didn't matter how much I showed up for him. It didn't matter how much my mother, it didn't matter what she did for him. It didn't change who he was because that's not how this works. And so I would say, if you're dating somebody emotionally unavailable who is growth-minded and saying, I'm willing to do the work, chef's kiss. All right, continue on and see if they have the capacity.
And they might not. That's a very real reality. They could do all this work and you can still say, but I need more. But oftentimes it's not that I need more than you, I need more of you. And that's a really big discerning distinction because if I need more than you, I'm shit out of luck. But if I need more of you, we have something that we can work with if they're willing to do the same.
So good. Yeah, I love that. You can't love someone into change. You can only love them as they change. And I think that's the mix up where we think if I love this person enough, they will change.
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Chapter 6: What are the signs of emotional unavailability?
No, they won't. They will stay exactly the same. You can only love them as they decide to change if they want to. And chances are, if they're not showing you, and by the way, most people are telling us the truth. Most people are already saying like, you know what I'm like. You know I'm not ready for a relationship. You know I don't really think that way.
Chapter 7: How do you communicate your needs in a relationship?
You know I'm not into this. People are already telling us, but we ignore it. We just don't want to believe them because we secretly are wishing, wanting, waiting, hoping that something will miraculously, or we think we see a spark of it within them. We think we see a glimpse of it within them because they show it to us once every 90 days.
Right.
And we hold on to that once every 90 days and go, but that's who they really are.
It's like situationships, right? When anybody, people are in situationships, it's like, so which one are you out of the bunch? Are you the one with commitment issues or are you the one that's insecure? Because how do we get into that dynamic?
Chapter 8: What does it mean to grow together in a relationship?
How do we get into the emotionally unavailable dynamic with people? Because we're not taking up space. Because one person is saying, I'm going to play the cool guy or girl. I'm not going to have any needs. I'll be the two-dimensional. And that's why the nice guy and the nice girl finish last, because that's all they have.
Yeah.
For me, I find it so sexy when someone tells me no. And not in the, like, just to say it. I find it really sexy if I say, I really like this. And they, oh, I actually don't. Right? And you're like, tell me more. Like, what don't you love about it? What was your experience? How did that land on you? Versus whatever you like, I like. And that's just, like, not really a place that you want to be.
But I think when we were talking emotionally unavailable, to your point, people are pretty honest. And I think... I'll say this. I used to date the emotionally unavailable people because that was my baseline. I knew how to keep myself safe. I knew how to perform. I knew how to try to be the fixer. I knew how to project onto them all the things that I wanted them to be.
And that's why my mama would say, what if or what is, right? What are we looking at here? Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I got to say, You know when someone's into you when they like you. This person is going to call you. They're going to have conversations.
If you come to them with something, they work with you through it because it's not about, like, I'm not a fan of the don't go to bed angry. Go to bed angry with a plan to talk in the morning because we need to have the rupture but regulate to have the repair.
And I find that with the emotionally unavailable and then with the other dynamic because if you're secure, you don't entertain emotionally unavailable because you know you deserve more. And if you don't demand it, who's going to? versus if you're insecure and you're like, this is all I can get. There's nothing else.
And you're convincing yourself and you're translating crumbs into a meal when you deserve the entire loaf, not just a morsel of what they're giving. And like you said, you can't love someone into changing. And that's the reality. Love isn't enough. I wish, oh boy, I wish all we had to do was just love somebody. But if that were the case, my mother would have changed my father. She did everything.
She literally would have morphed herself into a pretzel. And he still said, you're not baked enough for me. Because when someone just doesn't have that, nothing I do will change that except walking away because that's for me. And I'm not a fan of walk away no matter what. I think we're in a time where everything is, I don't like this, so leave. I don't like that you say this, I'm going to go.
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