Sahaj Kaur Kohli

It's important to get clear on your values instead of assuming that your values are exactly the same as the people around you.

And when you're not clear on what's important to you, it's really easy to fall into a pattern of what's expected of you, what other people want from you.

And this can lead to a lot of people pleasing behaviors.

It can lead to, you know, seeking approval, maybe keeping the peace because that's what you've been taught, but it doesn't necessarily lead to personal fulfillment.

So to get clear on your values, really spend some time reflecting on questions like, what's important to you?

When have you been the happiest?

And think about the times that you've been the happiest and then think about values that were being honored during that time.

When were you the most unhappy?

And think about values that might have been suppressed or crossed.

You know, we have to think about living our lives with value driven choices and a lifestyle.

But that's really hard to understand if your values don't overlap with the people you love.

And so what I hear from children of immigrants a lot is my values aren't the same.

So then what do I do?

And so to that, I say, try to find ways to communicate to your parents.

A lot of the assumptions and beliefs and values our parents have.

Some of them may be rooted in fear.

You know, if they're not necessarily happy with a career choice that you're making, but that aligns with your values, try to address the fear that's coming up, the fear that they have that you won't be secure when they're not here, that you won't be able to make enough money, that you won't be satisfied for years to come and try to address those fears to communicate your values to your parents.

You know, what I see in the immigrant community and with children of immigrants that may be really relevant here is that guilt is often tied to grief.

You know, the guilt of feeling misunderstood, the guilt of feeling like you can't do the things that you want, the guilt of feeling like you're not enough are tied to a grief of something that you didn't have.

Maybe it wasn't the support from your parents.