Sarah Kanowski

I didn't know if I wanted to be in the military anymore.

The questions that Farouk, this cook on board the ship, had planted as a seed were growing.

And I'm studying economics and politics at university at the Defence Force Academy.

And then I'm going to shooting practice and jumping off buildings with abseiling equipment and all the things you do at the academy.

And I'm asking myself, that mission that I was in, can I hand on heart say that I would go back and do that?

And increasingly the answer is no.

And then I find a United Nations report that says 250,000 women and children died because of that mission.

And I don't know what to do with that.

Yeah.

You'd drink a huge amount, get into a fight,

I was still a virgin at this point, so I'm not having no luck bringing a girl home.

But I'm quite intense at this age.

I'm an intense young man.

I'm going out and drinking.

I'm getting to a fight, but I'm not hanging around to do some dancing.

I'm sort of leaving the bar.

To be honest, I'm crying on the way home and I'm thinking like, what is going on?

Who am I?

I don't want to be this person anymore.

I want to get away from this.