Sarah Kanowski

That didn't, in my mind, say this is a problem.

It was normal.

It's so hard to say that now.

I was 30, I was like 20-whatever to 31 or 32.

Like, I was an adult man and I thought that was just normal for relationships.

There was so much out there that could have told me that that's not normal, that's OK.

And I understand I had this childhood and I had this life of insecurity that said that this is the way men react to being insecure in their relationships and it's normal.

But just because I had that doesn't excuse how I showed up then, given the fact it was all there to be understood.

I don't think she directly said, I need help at any point.

But she'd sent me a message once saying, you know, it's been really hard because he's been behaving in this way and I just don't know what I want to do here.

I don't know if I want to stay or work through it or if I want to move on.

And I remember replying to that message and saying, hey, I know you want to talk about this sort of stuff.

I just don't think I should be the person you talk about that with.

You've got your good friends, but if you speak to me, I don't know that I'm going to make this... I feel like I'm going to make things worse.

Because I, at the time, had these beliefs about men and relationships and what I thought was normal in terms of who...

men and women should talk to when they go through that type of thing.

And if you're in a relationship, regardless of who your friend circle is, you lean on women for that type of thing.

And it was really gendered beliefs that I've worked through and deconstructed and have very different beliefs about now.

But at the time, it was like...

I think if you talk to me about these relationship problems you're having, he's going to see that as you're talking to another man about this stuff.