Scrim

Would I be able to perceive in any way, if this is unreasonable, tell me that the fire is doing anything to these creatures? Would I be able to make a connection that this fire is doing anything extra, or would I not even realize that? And it's okay to say that it's not something that Scrim would even understand.

All of those are probably egregiously bad. Nature, medicine is plus two, arcana is one. Yeah, I'll make a medicine check.

No. Would that have consumed bonus action? No. Oh, okay. Then in that case, I will just use my Hexblade's Curse on number three, right there. And then I will move up within range to swing the Brutal Blade at it. Plus three bonus damage rolls. Ooh, 17, that's not bad, plus a bunch to hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus eight would be 25 to hit. That hits.

Okay, then I am gonna also use Fury of the Small, which is, because it's so much bigger than me, so that's gonna add eight damage to it. So I'm just gonna roll my normal damage. Oh no. That's going to be one, two, three. I rolled maximum damage. That's actually insane. So that's going to be 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28.

With all of the bonuses and all of that together, 28 total points of damage with the prune blade. Yeah, I cut into this thing deeply. I'm following up behind Yornir after I see him unleash this unbelievable amount of flame. I cut deep into this troll's eyes, shoulders.

Okay, that's my turn.

I don't know if I've ever rolled max damage on a hit like that before.

This feels like my fault, but I don't want to take the blame.

Fight, fight, whatever you are, whether I know you or not. Give me the warmth. Save my friends. Fine. We're losing our minds. This is not real. We have to be prepared to face it. We'll light this on fire now. Every time we've encountered the cloak, it's reset everything.

Nice. Nice. Nice.

After watching Barnabus absolutely cave the skull of this troll that was on fire, I will have withdrawn, pulled the brutal blade from wherever I had sunk it in deep, and now I see this other troll attempting to, like, I wrestle Barnabas off the sled. I grip the brutal blade with both hands, white-knuckled, and I think to myself, the fire! It's the fire!

And with my 35 feet of movement, I let out a bellow, a high, shrilled goblin bellow. What does it sound like? As I run across the sled and as I'm running, white knuckled my, with the blade, gray flames erupt around the blade as anybody who is listening to this would hear a low growl of something canine-esque. as I cast Green Flame Blade, but it's actually gonna be Gray Flame Blade. That's badass.

I can't believe you're using this. I'm shocked. And I'm going to strike at this troll. It's been 86 years, but he finally used Green Flame Blade. And just to clarify, there's no way for me to move my Hexblade's Curse. I, like, look and look, right? It's gone. No, no, it's gone for sure. That's what I thought.

18 to hit. 19 to hit. So that means I get 3d4 and a d8 of fire damage.

10, 11, 12...

To number two. I jam the brutal blade into, up under its ribs the best that I can, hoping to have this thing let go of Barnabas and not take him over the edge with him.

And that'll be my whole turn?

15.

Oh, okay.

So then take the two twists back. Take the two twists back. Because you just used one twist. The other two will hit, right? These...

Yeah, you're good.

It's basically fireball.

That works.

Mr. Blow. All right, as I'm dodging out of the way and I'm, like, rolling, I'm like, ah, gods! Where are all these trolls coming from? Ah!

And then the sword is still alight with this gray flame, and the growling gets a little bit louder and almost starts to turn into a barking as I attempt to stab Six in the abdomen. As you say that, I'll look and say, oh, that looks giant to you!

That would be a 17 to hit. Okay, that hits. Number six, you say? Yes. Which is gonna be five points of fire damage, but a total of five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11. Keep going along this page here. 11 plus five, 16 total points of damage. Five of it is fire.

The fire should jump. Oh, that's right. They haven't been close enough until now. Thank you for reminding me. They've all been too far away. So then as a part of Green Flame Blade, that's why I was on that spell, the flame will jump to number four and deal an additional 1d8 plus five fire to a second target. Okay. That's ten points of fire damage, number four. Easy math.

Thank you for reminding me. This whole time, they've been too far away, they have to be five feet apart.

Yeah, this has been great. I run the blade up into its abdomen, attempting to, again, just dislodge this troll from this leg.

Yeah, God, math is not a strong point. Barnabas, your turn. I would probably go, hey, guys, and I would just point ahead to make them see what I saw of the change in angle of the track. Okay. That's it.

15 seconds? Real time? We're fucked. There's no way we're gonna get up to speed. That's two rounds. All right, I take it back. Yeah, you're right. It's almost three rounds.

Okay, so just four and five take full. Better.

I'm going to collect these over here, just in case we need them again.

I feel like that's a Homestuck, if I remember right.

Yeah, yeah, that's important. One more twist. We're doing two. We'll do a twist. All right. It's a twist.

Yep.

Well, why doesn't he move up over and to the other side here? Like, over this way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's got the movement, you're the DM on me? He's got the movement, yeah, yeah. Okay, we're going to climb up here and just crush Taishen? Absolutely.

Golden.

Amazing.

Let's see here. Plus, you usually gotta pay extra for the whale to step on you.

Scrim? Um, I would still be wearing the boots and gloves and coat that we got from all that long time ago. I held onto those things.

I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to attack number six with a green flame blade and, you know, I'm just trying to kill six, the best that's in my ability. One twist.

One twist. Oh. It was not meant to be. I finally missed my attack.

Do you have anything else you want to do? No. Cry.

Ogre's to the left of me, troll's to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with yornery. That's very funny. That's very funny.

So I would be wearing those things and absolutely not helping you or near at all, Moose Snow. And hunkered down as close to where that bonfire was. Whatever little warmth or heat there was, I'd be sitting there. And Scrim would be very deep in contemplative thought about what he experienced right at the end of our journey before returning to Jakar.

And what felt like infinite pain and never-ending torment that was allegedly being implemented to help him. And just trying to make sense of it.

Scrim. Oh, that was your turn. Oh, no, no, no. I said that was your turn. Wow, I keep thinking of you as your name.

Oh shit. We're all in midair? Yeah. Oh no.

Yeah, let it rip here. Oh my god. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Yeah, he's fucked.

When we land on the other side, he's gonna be like a bag of loose meat.

All I'm gonna do is attempt to slash at number three with my weapon. Green flame blade again. Okay. Twist it. Yeah, give me one twist. This is a 14 to hit. I got you. I'm just, all of a sudden, my rolls are taking a turn. For the worst, that's a 17 to hit. Hit? Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, plus four is 16 points of damage, four of it is fire on number three. 16 total. He's out. What?

He's out. He's dead.

These trolls are a mess. That's my, I would try to move closer to the mast. and grab onto it. Oh, you try to grab onto the mast. I'm not attached to the boat. Okay. So I would, like, try to swim through the air. That's hilarious. And try to grab onto the mast to the best of my ability. That's my turn.

It's easy because I'm holding onto the mast now. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were going to say you were going to take your harpoon and just plunge it into Taishan's chest and pull him back onto the mast.

If you want to make an omelet, you got to crack a few eggs. That's all I'm going to say. What the fuck.

He's probably closer to 175. I don't think he's six feet tall. Let's call him 170. If he's six foot, we'll call him 170. Yeah.

Yeah, my C3, C4 just explode, and my spline...

All of the ones in the front row are covered in their friend Jim.

I mean, they both have swim speeds. It basically doesn't matter. What's that? They both have swim speeds. It basically doesn't matter. Yeah.

Two, three, four. I like how you were like, dinky harpoon, and then mega claw!

Scrim would be helping, you know, especially in the kitchen with the cooking. He listens to Barnabas to a degree, right? Queenie had asked to help clean some of the meat or whatever. Scrim would be helping, but while we're doing this, He's looking distressed. Every hour that passes, he looks a little bit more distressed. He's a little agitated. He can't sit still.

And as we get closer and closer to being done prepping and cooking and getting ready to enjoy the meal, finally he goes, no, no, I can't take it anymore. Scrim, my friend, what is wrong? I can't believe I'm gonna do this. And he walks over to the hole in the ice that is there, that has been left from this thing. He reaches into his pack, and he pulls out a small leather pouch.

He unties it, he upends it, and 77 gold coins pour out into the ocean, and you can hear them splashing and clinking, and they do this as they slowly disappear out of sight.

Look, I know you all probably just think I'm lazy and greedy, and you'd be right. Okay.

I'm not completely insane for holding onto gold. It hasn't come in handy yet, but I'm telling you all. How long have we been in this land, Scrim?

And at the end of the day, people are people and people are greedy. And gold is gold. People love gold.

And that is why I've only dumped 77 coins and I'm still holding on to 100.

I look all around us to see if anybody's nearby.

And I pull out another small leather coin purse. I'm like six feet away, and I jingle it.

Yes, what's it to you, Mr. Jauneer?

I'm just saying, it never hurts to be prepared.

Okay, well, agree to disagree. I don't have! That's all you get for now. I can carry more food.

Yeah, but the stew would soak through my pockets. You know, coins are fine. They're not going anywhere.

I don't think it's not... There are not going to be any leftovers on this stew.

The coin pouch is not wax-lined. Look, I couldn't afford that. Let's be realistic here. I've been living on the streets for forever. Let's just focus on the good deed that Scrim did today. Yes, very true. Perhaps some celebratory tea. Thank you, Taishan. I appreciate that.

Hey!

Either way, I think by the time we hunted, prepped, cooked, we would just take that day to do all of that and rest and then prepare for the trek

I want to ask if I assume I need to burn a candle overnight, because Taishan would not be able to keep up, though.

Each candle was apparently eight hours worth of... I wrote it down. Hold on. I can... Hold on. I believe that's true.

I'm almost 100% sure, but yes, 36 eight-hour uses is what I originally had. I'm down to eight eight-hour uses.

Tai Shen, you fuck.

Well, yeah, because, like, I mean, I guess technically casting bonfires, is it a... It's every minute. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. All right.

Yeah, I just wish we could use it and go somewhere, anywhere.

No, I just kind of thought you had to be one of them to do it. I mean, we could certainly give it a try, but, you know, what are we going to do?

Like the portal got bored out. We can just like...

Surely there's nothing living in there. Going underneath the mountain. It's just an idea. If we don't want to freeze to death,

Uh, yeah, I guess so. My entire goal is to be as perceptive and alert and attentive as possible, just to tell Queenie not to trip over things, to look out for things and say like, okay, a little bit to your right, a little bit to your left, like holding her hand and trying to guide her as she's sensing an urgency.

Huh. We can twist it.

Can you just not perceive at all?

I can see up to 60 feet. It doesn't say anything about it. Oh, it's perception.

But even when you attack when you're blind, you attack at disadvantage.

So that it just doesn't even matter if you have darkvision. I'm just confused about that.

I'm automatically relaying all of this to Queenie and basically just leaving it up to her to decide how deep into this

No, I'm afraid of leaving you here. I feel like we should just go back together real quick. Safety in numbers, buddy system, and all that.

How far away from the entrance are we? You're at the entrance. Oh, we didn't go that far.

I never thought I was gonna say this, but I'm very happy to be back in Vrakar.

I don't know how that works out, but I'll take it. It's better than a lot of other things a scrim could have been. Yeah, I would just turn around and shout to the crew then. He's scrimly. I wouldn't go anywhere. I would just be like, hey, get the fuck in here.

Okay.

Oh, then I would literally just turn around and be like, get the fuck in here! Come on, it's safe. Queen says it's safe. Come on.

All right. You know, Queenie, I'm going to be honest. I didn't need to be here for this one. But I'm glad that I was able to keep an eye on you and make sure that you were safe.

A hundred times over. I thought you were going to pick Yornir. No, no. In fact, I'll tell Yornir to his face. I guess sometimes I can't stand that guy.

You know, we're surviving.

I miss 30, but, you know, there's always 40. How old are you, by the way?

No, it doesn't bother me at all. You know, I don't really keep track of every birthday. I was somewhere in the upper 30s, you know. Really? Are you sure? Well, no, I mean, you know, records get lost. I don't know when my birthday was. I just existed one day. All of a sudden, I was hit with consciousness. I was like, oh, fuck, where am I? I'm five.

It was kind of like that. Yeah, but only, like, you know, smaller version of me. The point is, I'm roughly 30-something, you know, 40's around the corner, but who's asking?

I look at Queenie and I put like a hand on my chest, touching what I, maybe a sore spot, and I look at her and I say, I don't know.

The grooves that you described, does it almost look like tracks?

Well, you know, here we go. It's just kind of a straight tunnel. It's a little weird. I don't know why we built it as a straight tunnel. It's just as straight as it goes. And that's it.

Well, what are the chances? Don't hit rock that you don't have to go on. It's a little weird to me, a little suspicious.

What are the chances? How did I miss this? You know, we really gotta take our time, you know, and not be in such a rush. I mean, Yorn is always like, we gotta hurry up. We gotta hurry up, go faster. You know, he never stops talking. He talks a mile a minute. We gotta slow down sometimes and smell the roses, all right?

No, I was on top and everyone was dying, and the cloaked figure offered to save my friends. That's right. And I accepted.

With the flourish with which I ripped the tarp away, it kind of goes towards the mouth of the cave and the wind whips up and takes the tarp away. Yeah, yeah, it disappears. It disappears.

And I fell down into a horrific ice coffin that got tighter and tighter and tighter until I couldn't move. And then they did something to me to make sure that nothing stayed inside of me. And I had asked, and I can't remember what the answer was, if there was any physical marking on me.

You look around, and then you, like, look up, and, like, Scrim's already, like, sitting on the bench, like, ah, like, foot kicked up. Ah, you guys got it, it's all right.

Oh, I could have sworn you said the tarp was the sail.

Oh, everybody hold onto your butts and I'm gonna use object, use object, use object, use object.

I have heard your nears shouting, and as chaotic and wild as I am, I am hesitant to go into that other gear. As I'm holding onto my hat and holding onto this lever, and I'm looking at Barnabus, and I'm hearing his wild screaming, and I'm trying to see where we're headed, and I'm not quite ready yet to kick it into the next gear. Because this is terrifying.

Do I get the impression that we don't have to steer because of the grooves?

I look to your ear.

And then I look to Barnabus, and I want to see his reaction as the last person that I'm looking around. I assume Taishen's hanging in there. He's doing okay. He's probably a little closer to your near-back. Yeah, his rogues are flashing, and he's holding onto the rail. I want to judge Barnabus' reaction as well.

Mr. Staviskos, faster! I catch his eyes, and I hear him say this, and I say, ha ha! Now or never! And I kick it into the final gear.

Okay.

I'm having the time of my life. I think seeing the confidence in Barnabas and getting used and acclimated to the speed, Scrim would still be hanging on to this thing for dear life, but he would also be hooting and hollering along with Barnabas and loosening up a little bit and enjoying himself.

Yeah, I would, even though I'm having fun and the rest of the group might not think that, you know, they probably wouldn't tell others that I'm responsible, I would still be trying to look ahead and see if I need to slow us down, you know, at a moment's notice.

Not knowing if we would decelerate quickly or not.

Okay, and I'll bump it up one to start to slow down.

Oh, like a switching station. Oh my god. So do we need to come to a stop to do that? I would decelerate us all the way.

I apologize if I missed it. Did you say how many switches or options we have?

And then once we're in position, and I feel like we're lined up, I would call everybody back in and say, all right, is everyone buckled up? Wait.

Ooh!

Probably just a bunch of spiders.

Your bees.

It's like a mage hand. You should do bees about it.

Yeah, it's... I would imagine it's made of bone, not too heavy.

Very charming. Great idea.

Yeah, I love it. We can hang it up in the ship.

All right, well. I don't know much about decor. I think it's lovely.

No, no, well, I mean, if you're offering.

Yeah, no, I think that's great. I think it's just a wonderful little thing to brighten up the ship.

You know, today has been pretty nice.

Oh, it's nothing. It's really just a lever. It goes two directions.

Probably Barnabas, but I'll take what I can get. It's fine. It's all right. It's good. Let's go.

We got four more. We got nine now. That was unbelievable. You just have an ear for these things.

I'm very good at stealing.

As we were getting closer to the ship, Queenie and I are both like, we've got something.

Isn't it beautiful? I was thinking about hanging up on the ship.

We're having a lovely day. There's a little bit of serendipity hanging over the door and we figured we'd bring it back to the ship and maybe take it with us. But you're all, I know they call me Mr. Bones, but you know, you're really the bone guy.

Whoa, let's not be so hasty. What do you mean doesn't belong here? Like, doesn't belong with us on the ship or it doesn't belong here?

I was gonna ask you if any, Queenie raises a good point, if any of our stuff is missing, or if we still seem to have our packs and everything's intact.

Nothing makes any sense. Nothing is going the way we need it to. Everything is all messed up and topsy-turvy.

Barnabas, where do you think we should put this? Are there any weird superstitions or anything I need to be aware about? I don't want to summon a thousand witches out of my butthole. I'm sorry, you said what about your butthole? I don't want to summon a thousand witches out of my butthole because I put this bone thing in the wrong place on the ship.

And you still have the hex charm on you. You have your spoon? Wasn't it, like, fashioned into an earring? Yeah, then it's still there. It's horribly infected by now. It's, like, beet red and, like, kind of, like, swollen and, like, drooping. And you are immune, Mr. Stabiscotch.

Just kidding, I take it all back. Yeah, following Barnabas's instructions, I would help him or have him help me fashion it to you. I should probably tie the knots there.

Once everybody's good to go, and everybody's seatbelt buckled up. Scrim would not use the seatbelt. He doesn't know how to use the set. He doesn't care. He wants to be like Barnabas or caution the wind. Once everybody's ready, I would bump it up one notch and ease us out of the station. Okay. As we have pushed it towards the silver... Yep. The city, what we believe to be civilization.

I would slowly ramp up to 30 again, and when I feel that we've gone a significant distance at 30, I bump it up to 50, and I'd be listening for those bells.

I regret not using my seatbelt.

Is there viscera? Is there, I mean, like, fur? Like, does anything come up over them?

I don't think I would, I would be, like, still, like, holding the, I would be.

Yeah, we just need contact.

Well, there's one small, bright piece of good news. I still have eight candles. So we at least have some warmth, at least for almost a little over a week.

Oh, we were having such a nice day.

If there is any light at all, I am the palest green you have ever seen.

I'm looking around at all three of you, like, super pale, and I'm shaking as I just very shakingly draw the Brutal Blade. And I'm, like, looking at all three of you, like, what do we do? Why, it's glowing blue!

If I see you start to cast spells and walk away from the helm, I would immediately basically sheath the Brutal Blade and get back in position and wait for the go-ahead from the team to kick it back into gear as I'm watching you intently do what you do. Get ready to go!

And I, just to get us going to try and put some distance, but I don't want to go fast, like super fast until I know that we're back in like a clear track. So if it's going to be bumpy, I want to go, I want to put distance between us. And if this thing suddenly starts like gaining on us crazy, then I would go up higher.