Shannon Curry

We have different stories, different experiences that shaped our value systems, especially when it comes to the big ones like parenting, love, money, um,

these principles that are based in our history, we're going to have differences.

So is this a set of differences you can accept from somebody and work with?

Do the benefits and do their strengths, do they make it worth it?

Or are they deal breaker differences?

Yes.

So there are, if we're talking about masculine, feminine, then how also are we could get into, are we talking about actual gender, identified gender, or are we just talking about these traits?

Because like I said, I Stonewall, which is typically in couples, something that is more associated with straight men, um,

But that's my style of coping when I get overwhelmed.

That is not tied to any sort of success or non-success of a relationship.

But what we do know is that gay couples, so lesbians and gay men, tend to be gentler with one another when they are having conflict discussions.

So that's actually been identified in the research, and it's something I've witnessed, and it's just fascinating.

So with my straight couples, I'll be going through one of these –

If we're processing a conflict that occurred, I'll be going through the sheet and it's very, very structured because you don't want couples doing more damage when they're there with you.

You want them practicing skills that protect them from criticism, that protect them from contempt.

And when I'm working with a straight couple, I am like a referee or sometimes I'll relate it to being like a ski coach and keeping people on a bunny hill.

And you let them make like two turns and then you stop them and you meet up again because you don't want them to veer off.

With straight couples, you are doing very short turns before you need to kind of intervene and rescaffold.

I had a lesbian couple recently, and they were so lovely with each other.

They skipped like seven steps to the advanced final portion where they were already coming up with solutions and suggesting things that they might be able to do differently next time to make it better for their partner.