Shannon Curry

So as they pile up,

Now that ratio is going to get imbalanced, and then you are headed for a split, okay?

So the first is criticism.

So criticism is when we have a complaint.

Complaints are normal, but instead of owning our own problems, our own feelings, we assume that our perspective is the only valid, accurate perspective.

And so we take it upon ourselves to tell our partner what is wrong with them, okay?

So there's essentially no...

Real belief that they might have a valid perspective too.

So this could look like you never helped me out with the house or even you're so lazy.

Like, can't I just get you for five seconds to help with the kids or something like that?

And then what happens is horseman number two, defensiveness.

So not everybody is defensive just because they were criticized.

Some people just are more prone to defensiveness than others.

None of us really like admitting our faults.

So it's pretty natural.

But defensiveness is essentially making excuses or worse, turning it around on your partner, not accepting any responsibility and definitely not validating what they're feeling.

Now, if you get criticized enough or if you get really flooded, the flooding is what happens when our heart rate goes up kind of around 100 beats per minute.

Our frontal lobe shuts down.

That's our thoughtful brain, our logical brain.

And our reptilian kind of hindbrain takes over our thinking.