Sonja Lyubomirsky

You know, when you think about a relationship, it's really a series of conversations.

So changing those conversations is the key to make them a little bit less performative and more about like deeper connection, really having deeper conversations.

It's really the deeper conversations that make you make the other person feel like when I show genuine interest in you, Shankar, and ask you about, you know, maybe some has anything been worrying you, you know, the last few weeks, what's been on your mind, you know?

Tell me about a relationship, a family member that you are worried about or that you're really happy about.

Those are the kinds of questions that make us feel more connected to each other, not just trying to impress each other.

Absolutely, absolutely.

People are posting sort of their most positive moments in their lives, right?

This is me on my vacation looking really great.

They're not posting so much about sort of the fullness of their life.

But feeling loved requires really kind of a dance.

And I'd like to think of it in terms of two people talking, although it could be more than two people, but it's just easier to think about a dyad where you're really reading the room.

You're really reading the other person and asking them just the right

level of deep question where they feel like they're really seen and heard where I, and I'm showing them, I really care.

You can't do that on social media.

You know, it's just, it doesn't come off, you know, so that's why like, if, if, if a friend shares a really funny joke on social media, you know, I might appreciate it, but I really appreciate it is they, if they email me or they text me with that joke, because I feel like they are, you know, they're thinking about me.

They think that I would really appreciate that.

And that, that forges a connection between us.

What I mean by this is that we think that to feel more loved, we need to change ourselves, sort of make ourselves more lovable and also show how lovable we are, hide our blemishes.

Or maybe we change the other person.

Maybe we try to get them to love us more, to somehow see our positive qualities more.