Sonja Lyubomirsky

But actually, it's good news.

The conclusion that Harry and I reached is actually good news, which is that you don't have to change yourself.

You don't have to change the other person.

What you have to change is the conversation.

And a relationship, again, is like a series of conversations.

And it's a lot less overwhelming to think about it that way.

And actually another huge insight that we had writing the book is that if I want to make myself feel loved, the first step is try to make the other person feel loved.

That's really what comes first.

And it's counterintuitive because we think like, again, we're focusing on ourselves.

It's very, again, it's evolutionarily adaptive for us when there's a problem to focus on ourselves, figure out what's wrong.

But here's a situation where really the focus needs to be on the other person.

It's to get the other person to feel loved by getting to know them better.

Exactly.

And the reciprocity norm or reciprocity principle is really one of the strongest principles of human social behavior.

It's very, very powerful.

This is why if I want you to do me a favor, you know, I do you a favor, right?

It's very, very hard for us not to reciprocate, not to return the favor.

And so we're talking here in the context of conversation that when I show genuine curiosity to you, Shankar, and I really listen to your answers and I'm asking you questions that show that I'm listening, that take what you said maybe to a new level, it's going to be

Very compelling for you to return that favor and to sort of direct that attention back to me and ask me questions about my life, my inner life and listen to me.

And so it's kind of a it's a it's a dance or sort of a dynamic that goes back and forth.