Sonja Lyubomirsky
speaker
1,409 appearances
3 recordings
3 series
first heard Feb 2026
last heard 25 Jun
Sonja Lyubomirsky’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 3 in all, peaking in Jun 2026 with 1.
Appearances
What I mean by this is that we think that to feel more loved, we need to change ourselves, sort of make ourselves more lovable and also show how lovable we are, hide our blemishes.
Or maybe we change the other person.
Maybe we try to get them to love us more, to somehow see our positive qualities more.
But actually, it's good news.
The conclusion that Harry and I reached is actually good news, which is that you don't have to change yourself.
You don't have to change the other person.
What you have to change is the conversation.
And a relationship, again, is like a series of conversations.
And it's a lot less overwhelming to think about it that way.
And actually another huge insight that we had writing the book is that if I want to make myself feel loved, the first step is try to make the other person feel loved.
That's really what comes first.
And it's counterintuitive because we think like, again, we're focusing on ourselves.
It's very, again, it's evolutionarily adaptive for us when there's a problem to focus on ourselves, figure out what's wrong.
But here's a situation where really the focus needs to be on the other person.
It's to get the other person to feel loved by getting to know them better.
Exactly.
And the reciprocity norm or reciprocity principle is really one of the strongest principles of human social behavior.
It's very, very powerful.
This is why if I want you to do me a favor, you know, I do you a favor, right?
It's very, very hard for us not to reciprocate, not to return the favor.
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