Steve Gerben

And then he called me, like... Well, because originally he texted me... I wanted him to wear a tuxedo. I'm not wearing a fucking tuxedo. I just wanted him to wear a tuxedo. So I ordered one. And then, like, before I took it to the tailor, because of the pretty man's body, I had, like, the shoulders tied to it. And, uh... I was like, are we really doing this?

I felt bad.

Not a tux, but like a suit shirt.

I had another idea. His other idea is very funny. You can go ahead. He apparently, in an auction, purchased O.J. Simpson's ties. So he was going to be like, all right, just wear a suit and then ask me to wear this. And then he'd find out live that it was O.J. 's tie. And I'm already like, I've got a ton of anxiety about just the general thing. I thought that would have been kind of funny.

Yeah, no.

It's the poor people that are at the... Nah, but they clean it. No, they don't. Oh, my God. They run a vacuum cleaner over it.

That was sort of how, yeah. How you guys can wait. No, no, no.

Take advantage of the girls. Back when he started his podcast, I think I was like one of the first guests you ever had on. And it was, that was another time that you like, you know, risked your own, because at the time, I think you had like a thousand listeners, which in Philadelphia was like, what? Because if you got like 80 views on something, it was huge. And he had a thousand.

And I was like, people are going to hate me. They're going to stop listening to your show or what have you. And then, but yeah, he was like, we were just, I was open about my like pornography watching. Oh. So I think like that.

He's like a sexual freak. No, that's sexual. But we don't have to talk about it. I'm not like inviting you to talk. No, no, no.

Oh, the pillow? Well, I thought you were talking about... Oh, boy, that was... Never mind. I'll tell you that again. Don't touch it. Don't recoil. Hold on. Don't recoil. He's about to tell a fucking sex story. Ew. I thought it was only because of, you know, like, eating pussy. Yeah.

performing oral sex he performs oral so you were watching videos of people no no no this is him this is why i like pumped on pump fake the story because i was like oh i thought we're talking about porn but we're talking about me so yes the pillow is like i would put down a pillow too then and then there was some incredible fan art made about that wait wait you would put down a pillow explain what the pillow is i put this put that down for my knees oh before you before the performance oh she's sorry

Sorry, guys. My bad. I'm done jerking off. My bad. I'm sorry.

Oh, God. Hence the pillow. I thought she was standing. I had no clue she was on the bed. That's actually nice. That'd be interesting.

It was, first of all, it was, she validated it. It's only, but it's not to say it's not, it's not every single time. It's not me. Oh, every single time. No. How much? What would you say? Yeah, 80%. But again, it's like, she is, my girlfriend is very like, you know, knows how to get there. She knows how to get there. She's like a Tesla. Yeah.

It's not like I'm, like I've said, I'm not, I'm not like a, you know, I'm not claimed to fame of like a mega talent in this area. It's just that, you know, I'm just fortunate with somebody that knows how to get there. She's communicative and she knows her own body. Thank you.

I am communicative as well.

Wait, wait, wait.

Well, I mean, it's just, you know, whatever, you know, we actually, this is too close to life, like the show, because we do talk about this on one of the episodes. But yeah, like, you know, Dirty Talker.

General Grunts.

Do you have a grunt you got? No, no, no. I don't. How do you do it?

Just a little extra.

General Grunt.

Whenever. Whenever you want it. Whenever you want it. Whenever I want it. Whenever I just am feeling overwhelmed with masculine energy, I go, ugh. Is there a way to communicate your pleasure to her? It's just to let it out. I don't know.

I communicate things to her about how she can you give us an example can you reenact act out that's the motion guide is the grunt that's the grunt that's a lot that was very that was very generous crazy I would have never ever done that yeah that's crazy that was beautiful we haven't even talked about your porn that you like this is we've gone real life we're fine we don't need to get into that

That's their whole catalog online.

You don't have to if you don't want to. And we can cut it if you don't want to. It's a forewarning to other people. It's utterly humiliating. Yeah, so I got catfished into masturbating on the internet. I'm sorry.

I did. I'm an idiot. And so the story is in the one. But the one part that I remember when we were talking, I actually listened back to that when it was on YouTube, where I was. So I was in Los Angeles on an internship. And I was, like, very lonely. And that's when you were saying, you're like, when you're lonely, you just, you know? Yeah.

So there was this, like, it was called Lava Life, which was like a... Sounds familiar.

yeah yeah yeah definitely like a late night thing yeah oh yeah they had a budget well no the thing was it was like dating or friends or intimacy oh and so like you know you obviously you're hoping for some intimate of course yeah fair very fair and then yeah it was just utterly like what was the what was the app or whatever lava life yeah yeah explain it Didn't I just do that? Yeah.

I think so, yeah.

Well, no, because she, so we were, like I was texting with a person.

Yeah. And then. And then they were like, you know, like.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm 44. two going on 42 maybe 42 great man 42 yeah fantastic killing it i was like 24 25 so this is a very mid-20s thing yeah yeah time time heals all wounds but uh yeah so they so they were like uh you know blah blah blah and i'm typing stuff that like if shane ever found it i would just kill myself The end of it. I can't have him ever see this.

You know, it was like, blah, blah, blah. Choke you or whatever. And then... Whatever. She was like, wanted to see me masturbate. Right. And I was like, sure. You know, you do it. And two, and then...

you know in that mind state she was like she said my camera's not working she uh and then you know you just go oh yeah it's not working and so she sent photos of just you know and then i yeah so you've you've filmed yourself yeah yeah yeah face no face

face and just trying to look sexy trying to look sexy oh my god yes and then when it was over yes this person just wrote lol thanks and then closed the chat window and I was just like My life's over. Why did you share that with them? You're a bad person. Why? In all fairness, I share it because it is what it is. I did it. And then also, if you... That's sick.

If anybody else is hearing this, it's if somebody's asking you to masturbate. Don't. Or, make sure they're holding up a newspaper and they're actually available to you. You've got to verify. It's just not worth it because it feels horrible.

I was thinking it through.

I was in a dining room. I was running so I just had curtains hung up.

Well, after internship, of course I went on. It was a blow-up mattress.

No, it was internship. I tried to do comedy. It was not good.

He is, he truly is fantastic. And he just doesn't want to do it, which is cool. And then I got seen and they said, you got to come to New York. So I moved to New York, failed. When I came back, I was like very sad. And John McIver would, you know, still continue to put me in everything. But that was when he was like, have you heard of Shane Gillis? And I was like, no.

And he was like, he's the funniest guy I've ever seen. You guys have to do something together.

kind of right when i got there yeah which that was crazy he's he is just that good he won't do stand-up for like two years and i'll be like come to a spot and he'll just murder is he like a tortured artist kind of like the you know i don't know yeah i shouldn't talk about him he's not here but i think he just like he's very good at like writing directing and i don't think he just he wants to focus there oh that's great i've never gotten to meet him so i'm just asking yeah yeah

Umpire, yeah.

You were really funny in that.

Delco Proper, it was like John and Tommy worked at a lumber shop.

It was way before that, actually. I think it was like... 2015. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. And... Yeah, so they... And Comedy Central bought up to a pilot. This was like a time when they were buying... They made a... I think it's still online. It's called The Funeral. It's so funny. Yeah. And then Comedy Central bought three more web shorts from them and then a pilot. And then they passed.

And it was kind of the time where I think it was a little bit like... Yeah, it was 2015.

Yeah. So we had made tires as like a, you know, short. Yeah. When was this? Sorry.

Yeah, like 2016, 17, somewhere around there. And the first time we just shot test footage, I think that was our first time, like, really hanging out. Yeah. And he was phenomenal. And then... I wonder how nice I was to you. I bet we were... You were pantsing me. I literally... Day one of meeting him. He's been this forever. I paid him. I wanted to be in the show. And he was torturing me.

I'm terrified of you.

And then, yeah, it was like overdrafting Chipotle charges at that time. And just being a menace. But he was so funny.

And so, like, the first time we shot test footage, because we would only have it for a Sunday. So we would try and shoot, like, eight or ten pages in a Sunday. We'd like get in there as quick as we could. And then we almost got it. And then we shot it another time. And then the third time is what ended up being online for a while, which was really fun.

Oh, yeah.

Of course, yeah.

It doesn't... We know how good he is, so it's not like a shock to... But it is still weird, but it's also like... I mean, he's my favorite comic.

All right. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, maybe a little. I mean, he's so funny. Yeah. And so it's not, like, super, like... You're not surprised by the success? It's insane that anyone is doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's wild to see. No one should be doing an arena. It's crazy.

Yeah. It's crazy. But I remember the first time I saw you, because McIver had sent me your TED Talk, because that was during... Yeah, but no, that's a really good talk. Oh, thanks, man. Especially, like, just like he said, this was a time, 2015, 2016, where it was like, yeah, you're going to have to find a different way.

Of course I was excited.

What did he say? It was not perfect? I'm just kidding. It's just joking.

What is this? It's a skylight. Is that like made or is this part of it?

Where are the lights?

Excuse me. Not even close. Because he didn't like the way I was talking to you. What do you mean? He didn't like that I was being nice to you.

I don't subscribe to her only fans, but yeah.

Definitely.

I've seen one of her videos. How was it? Great.

Did you cry? She was like... I think it was Johnny Sims. Sims. Oh. Oh, Sims, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a tough to watch. That guy gets after it. I don't like that shit. That guy gets way too after it. I don't know if it was him, so I don't mean to... I do that too, where you don't know the dick.

Even with the ski mask? No, no, no. That's not my thing. Was there always part of it? You would jerk it off on Skype. What's that? You would jerk it off on Skype. Yeah, but that's different. It's private.

Do you think you'd even be able to perform in that environment? I don't think I'd... Fucking no shot. I can't perform in a fucking dark room.

And you're so horny.

Okay, all right, go, go.

It's crazy how big Bryce is.

He doesn't look that big with the nexus chains.

Come on. Now he's going too far, Gary. I swear to God. He's going too far. I agree. I don't refuse to admit that.

No, no.

A regular bobblehead. Yeah. Do you remember, too, though, like, before you even went out, you were wearing that jersey, and then I was just like, why'd you give away your name on it? Like, they gave this to me.

He makes fun of anything that I wear.

It does look like a girl's jersey.

The praying mantis body. These things hang off me. 100% tailored. Yeah. It's from China. From China. Yeah, and so I can't wear it now outside of the house because I do feel very insecure about it. Because he's right. It looks like a woman's jersey on me.

I have like a praying mantis body. I know. So it's very weird to look at. Two, we were like eating like kings. Oh, it was so funny. Every day I was having like chicken cheese steaks and french fries.

You little suck-up. That's not a suck-up. Andrew's coming down. You're basically donating his time. So I'm just, like, you know, talking to him and, like, keeping the energy up. And he's like, you want to fucking be on Flagrim. And I was like, shit.

I laughed so hard. It hurt. It was so humiliating. That's good for your eyes, though. That's LA.

What were you swimming in? We were doing a race.

Who's your favorite golfer?

Yeah.

We were sitting in a bar watching golf and he's like, I would like to be a commentator. Happy Gilmore 2 came out. Do you know the game well enough to talk about it? No, not at all.

Yeah, we could give it a spin. Good shot.

I actually know because that would probably suck. Yeah, bring up Roar. There was a guy that was hammered. Do you remember him?

And you're just drawing attention to us.

Yeah.

No, because you were telling me to golf commentate.

Do you want to see him commentate a whole? No, I'll suck. It's going to be awful. You might be good. I would be colored.

What are you doing? No, this is good golf commentary. He's stepping off. What do you think he's looking at? If I was actually commenting, I'd be listening to Donnie Pepper right now. I'd be like, what's going on, Donnie? And then she'd be like, what do they think? She would tell me because she's standing there. Can you please do it? Okay. I'm doing it. You don't do much. That's the point.

Here we go. Okay.

Jim Nance is great. What about Marv Albert? Yeah, Marv. Oh, come on. That's great.

What were you going to say though, Curry? No, I was just going to say, season one especially was so cool because he, I don't know how much people know, but he paid to have that entire shot made to shoot the entire thing. And that was when his star was sort of rising and he should have not done that. I just knew you were a star. No. I knew it from day. He's like a Tom Cruise.

Okay. What do they do? What do they have?

But it's a video game?

You wasted $20,000. It's genius. You can do this for free.

I bet you they don't know what they're talking about.

You can't just do AI stuff.

You're not a fan of Drizzy, guys?

You're like the next Tom Cruise. Stop.

There's certain things just get very, like, gettable. Like, clear eyes, full hearts. Yeah.

I don't jack off, dude.

Well, you know, you're not thinking I was Chandler. You want to be Chandler.

Maybe it's all three of you guys.

I think you guys are all... McKeever's absolutely amazing.

The surrealist of my life now is we lost him. Then we saw J.J. Wye walking by. I was like, J.J. And then he didn't say it. Then he came in. He was like, Tyrus. I was like, yeah, yeah. Have you seen Shane? Wait, you said hi to J.J.?

Well, it's a surreal thing that he knows who I am.

People know who you are. You're in the new friends. You're in the new friends. You're friends. You became Chandler. You're a bit more Tom Cruise. Is he Chandler? I'm not trying to name drop.

Wait, are you a huge Tom Cruise fan? I really like Tom. I'm not a huge fan. I don't talk about it.

Sure.

I got people gifts, yeah.

Individually. You didn't give me anything. Yeah, I did. What'd you get Shane? So you know that. Do you remember? Yeah. There was a blueprint of the drawings for what the architect made to turn the place into a shop. It's basically what he paid for. It's a cool piece of memorabilia. That's awesome. That's a really thoughtful gift. What did you get for Gerbs?

It's unreal. I feel like he's a nice friend. I'll never in a million years be able to do anything remotely that nice for somebody. It's incredible.

I don't even want to go now.

That would be cool.

He doesn't watch Friends.

I don't think I'm any of those people. Could you possibly hate this more? Yeah, I don't think you match up to anybody.

I actually kind of match up to Swimmer.

Yeah, in my older age.

he could tell you it's it's out of control i mean the robe the fucking one he would get in the in the morning with hair and makeup and he would sing what would you say like just whatever we're singing you know they have songs all these people have to be nice to him he's the fucking oh yeah yeah so he comes he's like oh come on girls let's sing a little song i don't say come on girls to sing all songs on you know they're they're nice people you know that

So we had a good time. And I wore a robe once. I literally left the thing with the safety pin in it. I was like, I'll never wear that. If Shane sees me in that, I'm fucking done for. And then there was like an underwear situation or something happened in one of these costumes. I had to put it on. He saw me. And then I haven't lived it down.

Yeah. Really?

We were singing A Whole New World. Dude, this guy loves singing.

Yeah?

No, this is fun.

I don't want to do this at all.

We do it regularly. Mark, take us away. Well, everyone's got to join us.

Sing, sing, Steven. Where are the subtitles?

Just like agreeable. You know, I would say that's the way that I would describe it. And so, you know, you just kind of, you know, social grease and what have you. You say, you know, you just kind of go along and you just don't like it. I don't know what to talk about. So how are you doing?

One time. What kind of robe?

Just like a little bit of financial freedom, which is like an unbelievable feeling. Massive, right?

Oh, really?

Wow. Not anymore. Yeah, it was Palestinian. No, they got bought by a conglomerate because they apparently ran into the ground financially.

No, I don't know. Maybe. Because there was a very expensive shed, apparently. Who knows? But anyway, that's what I did with it. So you got into the country club.

Why don't you love this guy? I love you. What are you talking about? You are exhausting, though. It's like, I love you, but then, you know, go away.

I can't do anything. It's this. The amount of time that I thought, should I tuck it? I had a whole outfit. I had a mark on my head. I couldn't do it. Because you're worried what he's going to say the second he sees it.

You said that clip that's going out. Sorry, I'm ignoring you. No, no, no. Where it's like, you know, he had guys film him. I've been walking around my house being like, you have guys film you. I don't have guys film me.

No, you're a podcast.

Well, anyway, that's what he does. It's just so, everything is like, how is Shane going to respond to this and whatever. This is crazy.

wild wild west yes okay let's go yeah do you see the terrence howard thing we talked about how the man's like uh kind of center of structural integrity is his butthole and he claims p diddy was trying to compromise him and make him like fluid say once you get he's like once you compromise your center of integrity which is your butthole you become fluid and like nothing you get all fucked up center of not physical integrity oh man your manhood actual integrity

Get the fuck down. Go. Why do they need that level of organization there?

That's kind of cool.

I actually caught a bunch of it. I was in San Antonio in the green room. It was just on the TV. Rose was dominating. One guy got stuck in a bush. Did you see that? Where he got stuck in a fucking bush and had to sit down for a while.

It's nuts. That is not good for a panic attack.

Yeah. Well, he had like an assistant. He was like, what's up with him? He's like, oh, Diddy's trying to fuck you. So his assistant was the one who told him, like, yo, this is what this is all about. Was that guy Mr. Bentley, or what was that guy's name?

You're like, what the fuck are you doing? What? You're like waiting for a parking spot.

One of them fiddling around in their cars is so funny. They fiddle.

That's a fair point, though. Maybe he wasn't trying to fuck his ass. Do you think if someone gets their ass fucked, it does compromise their manhood to where it affects your posture and shit? You move differently after that. Do I think that? No.

And it wasn't even close to Halloween. Did you hold out the bowl? Yeah. No, yeah, I learned in my lesson the hard way with that as well. You can't do that. You cannot hold out the bowl.

I fucking just seized a lot of candy. Yeah. You got to... How did it go down? I just was like, here, grab a couple. I was like... Oh, you got to pull it down. I'm like, boys, man.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, especially if you do leave, like take one, if you try to leave a dish outside, that gets destroyed anywhere. How did you get mugged?

What candy were you dishing out? That's the question.

Yeah. I had to like run right in.

Yeah, I got crushed one year. I held the bowl out and I was like, never again. You can't do it. Yeah, it's big handfuls. You have to grab, dump in the bag. And I said, I'm out of here.

Anyway, just kidding. But I did. I did. But anyway, we get involved. Yeah, we talked about that. I got involved in like a high level crime.

Yeah. Yep. That's pretty wild. It was. Yeah. Terrifying.

yeah once you get fucked true you just you start wearing that sweater vest differently yeah it starts looking way different on you we had a thing in grade school that like if like do you ever have it with like kids where it's like you know ladies walking like if a lady walked a certain way like she had sex before yes we would just do it with all the moms but yeah like all the moms become a special lunch but yo she definitely had sex before

Oh, you guys went there and back.

Yeah. Gotcha. So you hit your six.

Alcohol affects me different.

What does it do? Is it like the hangover and all that stuff afterwards?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't handle the hangovers, man. I fucking hate them.

I was going to tell you, just take pills. And if you can't drink, just take like two lorazepams and like a little bit of mushrooms and just go to the masters. Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, then you took the hill.

What was he doing? He was like yelling?

He didn't like to chat.

Yeah, if you walk with your feet a little bit more apart, that's all you can tell a girl had sex.

I don't like the scoring system with golf. They got to flip that. Like negative seven wins. It should just give you like 40,000 points.

Yeah.

Is it true that even if someone plays there and gets 20th place, they still get $300,000, $400,000? Yeah. That's kind of cool.

What do you shoot right now?

How does that work? Does your handicap affect the score if you play against somebody else? You know what I mean?

Why do they call it a handicap, though? That's what I don't understand. I don't know.

But does that affect the score, I'm saying?

So, yeah, if you got, like, a four and I got a five and I had a higher handicap, we'd have, like, the same. Yes. Okay. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I guess it keeps it somewhat fair.

If I see a woman go anywhere near shoulder width apart, I'm going, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, it's kind of crazy, actually. I like that. Can you get the tags if your handicap gets, like, high enough?

Like, the parking tags.

I got busted in a handicapped spot where I get my wings. I don't take up handicapped spots. I go to Nando's. They have wood-grilled wings. They're so fucking good. We should order those. I should, actually. They're delicious. The only parking spots out front of it, everywhere else is kind of busy, is two or three giant handicapped spots. It's like a lane of just handicapped spots.

I always pop in there, grab my wings, and leave. How many spots? It's like three. But it's right in front of the place.

dude it's just it want the all of its handicapped if you want to go to nando's and pick up an order you want to park out front you have to be handicapped or and that in front of that's valet for the hotel next to it and i'll pull in the valet and they're like you can't park it right now so i'm like i'm like fine back into a handicapped spot i'm like you made me do it and then i went to get my wings i'm like don't they won't be there dude a car pulls behind me i'm like nobody's handicapped saw the tags like burning with shame just hopped in my car like

Yeah. Slut. Your mom's here to help with pizza lunch. Like, yo, your mom got fucked, dude.

Although they're kind of rolling those family bathroom is like, I think that's been the solution for like the trans stuff. It's just like families or whoever. And then you can kind of, you know.

That was the only thing they could do. Because it was such an insult. You can't solve that problem. Then if you have a just trans bathroom, you can't do that. So it has to be family and friends. Just trans bathroom would be nice.

Anyone could go.

sure i'd put my family in the family room like i'll be back you just hit the trash but yeah that is that's a that's a thing at the airport i've seen i've seen people go in and crush the uh almost the family bathroom yeah and you just see a family waiting outside i've done it and then i'm in there you gotta just be like i'm taking my time on this

Dude, how did I not know about that? i don't know i think i saw it this morning and it's it's been bothering me yeah that's uh it's affected me a lot also bezos for all of that work he just looks like a trash man he's like the body of like a he's on like billions of dollars of trt and gene therapy just to become a wop he's transformed he's he's fully just a guy at wawa

See my child. Where's my family?

Dude, I just invested in two bug tanks. I got two bug tanks from National Geographic. So they have a little magnifying glass on them. I got not one, but two. What type of bugs are you going to put in there?

right now we've only gotten some roly polies so you can throw them in there create their natural habitat and you can kind of like i'd like to see what roly polies are up to bro i got i had i catch them i catch like me and my daughters catch like four roly polies a day and put them in my garden it's really nice it's awesome i have so many roly polies so yeah i got the bug tank's nice man because otherwise you had to carry them in your you ever try to carry a roly poly in your hand for like they fucking they get their escape artists

So, yeah, I got some bug tanks. It's been, you know, 30 years. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I think it's nice. I think it's a nice thing to do.

Like how dumb your family is.

You cannot use tokens.

Yeah, I'm excited to fly with my family tomorrow. That's always an operation. And Gerby. And Gerbs, dude. I can't believe. Yes. They're going to have so much fun. Great. I can't wait. Absolutely sick.

Definitely not in front of kids. They'll hold your hand. They'll hold your hand the whole time. Oh, that's great. I'm not saying it's bad. I do it all the time.

I get nervous and we land. I'm always like, hold your father's hand now. It makes me feel a lot better.

Yeah. But yeah, they have no idea. They start bumping and they're just like.

I never thought about the ear hairs. So your ear hairs just start getting like, what the fuck's going on? You start to spaz equilibrium. Yeah. Yeah.

yeah but again i really appreciated the news has not been great no man another helicopter just exploded yeah i watched that i saw that one yeah i don't think i'll be on a helicopter dude yeah i don't not a good time for helicopter charters no you know i was interested to learn that you can land a helicopter with no power to the rotors

Yeah, and it's fucked up because he'd have another wife pretty fast. If he blew his wife up in outer space. Yeah, he'd have a wife before the rubble hit Earth. Yeah, sending your wife in outer space is crazy. But yeah, dude, I don't know. He needs to tighten up his program.

Damn.

That's pretty cool.

Still not getting in one of those things, man. They've caught too much negative press. Yeah. That last one was like, Jesus Christ, bro. Did they hit the water? Yeah. Poor souls. There goes my theory. Yeah, true. Whole fam.

Would have been good. Yeah, man. I mean, that's criminal, dude. Sending all those babes into space is... Launching the babes. That's reckless. If they died, wouldn't it technically be like reckless endangerment? I know. He'd probably get off. He'd be all right. Yeah, he'd get off.

so they can survive up there then we'll go yeah babes are in space now that's not good especially just launch the space babes but the babes in space put the babes up there cool them off a little true i mean how long do you think it takes for them to land back on earth and slowly like get like their ear hairs probably slowly get back to normal and they're like you

I didn't like the astronaut food.

Yeah, you'd get like maybe a nice afternoon.

She thought it was all about her.

Do you think that would be cool if you're Jeff Bezos and you have a wife and you send her and Katy Perry and Gal into space? Do you think you actually felt anything or just like, all right?

Yeah.

Bezos versus Musk? If you had to pick one, Bezos versus Musk.

You like Elon better than Bezos?

It's also annoying because then that hits like girl consciousness. Like, man, when you get out of space, you'll never go to fuck. Jeff took his wife to outer space. She had a lunch with him.

Oh, man. Damn, dude. So what's the Falcon was? Elon's. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think he takes space more seriously because, yeah, Bezos is just Bezos.

Double sonic booms. If I had to say that into a headset around people, I'd be like, fuck.

yeah i i uh i don't like this thing of sending ladies to space at all it's also not historic it's not like a historical it's not you did say that yeah they sent a fucking chimp the russians sorry ladies you guys missed the fucking boat is that dog's name it was like oh fuck i know that starts with the l the russian dog what's that dog's name The dog that went to space?

That is awesome. It sucks the rocket didn't launch.

I don't know. Probably somewhere else. Well, I don't know. Where the fuck can they do that? I'm sure they're all in LA. So maybe they just hit like fucking New Mexico or something.

That was Katy Perry. He saw Perry. You saw Perry. I didn't see it. Oh, dang. Yeah, I was fucking slated away.

I don't think so. No? Not at all. Would you go? Yeah, easily. Not with six ladies.

True. Oops, sorry. I floated right into your butt again.

I'd be like a Japanese pervert on the subway.

I'm a bit of a closeted frauder myself, man. I just, I mean, you know, when you're on, like, the thing at the airport, it gets packed. You're just like, hey, man.

All I can do is hold on.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, if you can do whatever you want in international waters and space, it's like.

How many times has Bezos been to space?

He's probably been at least like 20 times. Also, what do you think it costs just to send those babes up in the air?

A million bucks every time?

Yeah, he's just fucking around. Blue orgy, dude. Get up there. He's definitely got head in space, I would imagine.

Yeah, he has. He's definitely got a head in space.

The guy who brought that dog up. Damn, you think he really... He'd probably eject in space. That's tough. Get to do the full 3D rendering of how big is my... You can load max and be like... It's actually a pretty powerful shot.

That'd be actually really cool.

You'd have to. If you got stranded in space, it would just activate something. Your ear hairs would go nuts. It's way worse than a hotel. Yeah, you'd have to. If you were stuck in space...

Space bug? Laika.

Somebody's got to slurp.

Yeah, true.

Oh, dude, I have my restaurant review.

I was actually doing a little research for the giant steak and beans. Yeah. Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing as a Mexican steakhouse. Dude. Yeah, Mexican steakhouse. I was in San Antonio.

two asset dollars huh yeah that's how i mean that was my yeah that was my oh we are yeah we're chatting this is just guys chat dude mexicans have you ever been to like a steakhouse it is always just like you know it's like asparagus steak and yeah dude i've never even thought about it it's like every steakhouse i've ever been to i've been like what if they had guacamole at the steakhouse

It's also sad that they went to space and just did like Instagram.

and it's dude it's called two asadores in san antonio and they just hand you order whatever you want and they hand you a cutting board that's just like salt on it they give you warm corn tortillas on the side and you can get guacamole whatever you want and make yourself like 14 just steak tacos it's that's right up your alley oh my god dude oh my god oh my god it was so good dude i've never it was unbelievable so good

So check that out, dude. Is it in Austin? Where was it? It's in San Antonio. It's for real my favorite place, dude. I went there a few days in a row. San Antonio way.

There's in there going like.

San Antonio is a very rough and tumble town.

I didn't see it. I was just up by the airport the entire time.

I do got to check that out. It's pretty sick. I was going to threaten if the ticket sales didn't rise up. I was going to say, I'm not going anywhere.

I thought the Alamo was bad.

It was fun. But, yeah, dude, that shit fucking ruled. I also liked, like, I just kind of would pop back and forth, but I kind of was really enjoying the feeling of, like, I was like, I might just, like, live in San Antonio and just kind of, like, not, like, leave my family, but, like, be present, but just live in, like, an apartment in San Antonio. Yeah, like, being an hour away was nice.

I could pop up.

I kind of want to do that so bad. Just one day. But yeah, I got to like, you know, kind of LARP being like a semi distant father in San Antonio. And it's kind of cool because I was just a drive away. So I like I pop back on Friday morning. See you guys.

yeah you know what i mean get a nice cowboy hat fucking cool yeah that would help if you left your family but you dress as a cowboy that would somehow ease the sting i feel like that would help yeah it would my dad's a cowboy my dad couldn't be here he's a cowboy my dad's at the mexican steakhouse he's at two asadoras also too i was like i was reading the website and i was like

Every website, you know, they have like our story. It's like, here's our story. And it was like, it's always like the kid who's like, when I was four, my grandfather would have the cattle on the ranch of northern Mexico. And I was like all stoked on the way there. I was like, it's fucking bullshit. They tricked me again. It's going to be like, it's all just from Restaurant Depot.

I know. Especially once you say it's not about me, like for the fifth time, it's like, all right, it might actually be all about you.

It's all a bunch of bullshit. Got there and they're like, no, our steaks are all from northern Mexico. I was like, oh, fucking yes. Because we're close enough. Close enough to Norteño's.

So, yeah, I was eating that northern Mexican cattle. It was nice. Hmm. It worked. As soon as he told me that, I was like, I knew this was fucking awesome.

No, no. No. What are they up to in their cars?

Really?

Mm-hmm.

I do like those little, like, do you ever see, like, the flags people dangle from their rearview mirrors? They're kind of nice if you want to, like, really hone in. Like, wait, who is this cutting me off? Like, okay.

Venezuela. Like, okay, let me break this out.

You should get one of those for your rear view. Yeah. No.

No. Would you, in terms, if you were living a pirate's life?

You don't like the pirate's life at all?

Yeah. You're telling me if you would, like... The song pumps me up.

What do you think about? Being on the Japanese subway.

I think you've talked about this before.

It's so funny. I let everybody down.

Is that trending on Twitter right now?

Do you have like sad music you ever listen to when you're kind of sad? Oh, yeah. I'm trying to think. Like Radiohead or something like that?

yeah no i'm saying just like going to space the fact that they went to space yeah i think it was pretty it's pretty big yeah and i think people are more just they have our opinion about it yeah that's done they're like that stinks that sucked that we did that yeah and it also yeah just to be like we're going to go to space just to like for a movement for women to take up more space it's like dude did you ever live with a woman they fuck they're doing all right yeah in terms of occupying instantly there's yeah they're taking up space already

That's kind of nice. Yeah. Can you cry while acting? That's, that's the thing I always think about. I don't know.

It's hard. Yeah. I imagine. That'd be like a real weird, even if you did it right, it would feel kind of weird too. Or you'd be like, fuck, I'm crying in front of all these fucking people.

I'd feel like pissed about that.

no you did great i gotta turn it around because i gotta fly and i want to fly anyway yeah we're gonna be good that's a cure for panic attack so if you just tell one person you're having a panic attack it does lessen it you try to keep it to yourself you're fine chris chain everybody talking to me yep yeah you can't you can't keep it to yourself the way they tried to get you to not be afraid of flying i think probably did more damage

And we just like literally like yanked it out of a shed and was like, let's hop in this thing and fly.

Well, it's just not even a cause. It's not a real cause. It's like, this is for women to take up more space. Like, what do you mean by that? It'd be like, I don't know, man. Why are you asking? What do you think about that? Do you think women, you think they need to be more confined?

Yeah, it wasn't really committal.

What the fuck did you say? I just watched him go, huh?

It's just blasting. It's just party time. It just sucks if you crash. I guess you might as well be blasting music while you crash.

Yeah, it's kind of nice. Yeah. Those little planes are terrifying.

Yeah. That's how I feel about skydiving. I'm like... My wife's always like, we gotta go. I'm like, I'm never going skydiving. Of course not. Yeah, like, what the fuck? Why would I do that? It's fun. I'm like, no. Never in my life. No desire.

never yeah I don't like mind heights that much but I'm like honest I don't feel it seems like a lot of I want to jump out of the fucking plane that's what I'm saying obviously I get nervous like jumping off a plane but it's just like why even risk it at all it's indescribable it's fine she's done it yeah she loved it I had a friend who used to skydive he got like licensed to like do it by himself

And he would literally smoke a blunt and jump out of a plane. Oh, my goodness. And then he would complain. He's like, they're fucking saying I smell like weed. It's fucking bullshit. It's like, dude, it's a huge liability. Having to hide at their place, jumping out of a plane. I said, they're fucking really on my ass about this.

And he would give the guy who packed his parachute, he would pay him in weed. I'm like, not a good idea, dude.

God damn. But he got licensed. He was doing it by himself all the time. He loved it. But I don't know if I'd want. That's the one thing I would say. I definitely want a guy strapped to my back.

I want a dude on me. Yeah, I want a dude on me. I for real want a dude. I want a daddy in the sky.

You can do this yourself. I'm like, nah, man.

Just your skull starts to cave in. You're like, hold on, just give me... Fuck, I wish I knew I liked this while I was alive. Yeah, true. Imagine how much of a blast you could have if you figured out you love that.

Yeah. World would be your oyster.

Crazy. You know what I wonder about too? Actually, we'll save it for the Patreon.

Bye.

What are your thoughts on foot training? What? Foot training. Foot training? Yeah. What's that? Binding their feet.

Yeah.

Their daughter?

yeah did you see that soft white underbelly where the guy lost like he had a son and his wife was like our son's a daughter he's like no it's not and then she just got she divorced him and then the schools was like yo it's on schools are going bro they need to chill dude they need to chill

i don't understand like the hype up on it if i'm a teacher and i'm like trying to like just get them to pay attention to geography the last thing i need on my plate is like what are we doing yeah i got that yeah but there could be a deeper like you're trying to get them to pay attention to geography and they are acting up every day and you go okay yeah and the girls are all being so good fuck your shit up it's just a class i think they're just being lazy because girls are easier at school

Like, if you're a boy, school sucks. If you're a girl, you're like, I actually like it. I have all my pencils organized. So I could... If I was a teacher, I'd be like, we need more of these girls.

Just make them all girls. Teachers are just on Adderall organizing the class. Like, it'd be much more efficient if these were all women in here. I don't see the point. I don't see what's wrong with that. And also, yeah, the sports. I was on PITM yesterday. We were talking about... What's that? Panties in the Mouth podcast.

Premier American podcast.

He claims Diddy went for his b-hole.

Insane.

What if you're just working at their house and you see them on the floor and you're just going... Which is my own.

Under, like, the thing of, like, lessons. He was giving him, like, you know, acting lessons. He said Diddy was just, like, looking at him wrong. He's like, this guy's trying to fuck my ass. Take away the geometry of my manhood. So... What do you think about that?

Turn the mic off on that. We were talking about coaches starting a competitive in women's sports and just like... Like how college coaches hear of like a player's good and they go and kind of scout the house. Yeah. Just like there's like a fucking fast gay kid in your neighborhood and you're like, I can get him on the girls.

People are like, get out of here. You bring the briefcase to his family's house. You're like, let's just have dinner. This kid could dominate. But what are your thoughts on that kind of stuff?

So who's we're talking about how there's a thing going on right now where all of these girls are becoming boys and dominating men's sports, right? Causing a fucking uproar.

No, it still happened.

Boys becoming girls. Now there's a lot of girls becoming boys and just cleaning up fucking boys and men's sports. No way. Oh, thank you. That's not true. That's Russian disinformation.

No. All right. Honestly, it sounds like Mad Libs. No, it's not. It was a show on Nickelodeon when we were younger.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's kind of nice, actually.

It's also nice to be at the bar and be like, my buddy's there.

Yeah.

The stalls were like a cell block. No, really.