Terry Real

42.

42.

About two years more than my marriage.

About two years more than my marriage.

Yeah, I like to say my books appear under pillows all over America. Here, honey. If you want a little action tonight, read this book. So, yeah. No, a lot of the men that I see are what I call wife-mandated referrals. And I don't mean to be marginalizing same-sex marriages. But the men I see, here's a quote from Terry Real. Shame-based people have pain. Grandiose-based people have trouble.

Yeah, I like to say my books appear under pillows all over America. Here, honey. If you want a little action tonight, read this book. So, yeah. No, a lot of the men that I see are what I call wife-mandated referrals. And I don't mean to be marginalizing same-sex marriages. But the men I see, here's a quote from Terry Real. Shame-based people have pain. Grandiose-based people have trouble.

they're not in pain, the people around them are in pain. And they come to see me when the trouble gets so great that either the people around them are dragging their butts into seeing me or the crisis has opened up and they're desperately trying to save their relationship. That's mostly how it goes.

they're not in pain, the people around them are in pain. And they come to see me when the trouble gets so great that either the people around them are dragging their butts into seeing me or the crisis has opened up and they're desperately trying to save their relationship. That's mostly how it goes.

Often. You know, two out of three. Look, here's maybe more nuanced. And this, too, is broad generality, so take it with a grain of salt. But women in our culture— It's changing with feminism, but traditionally, women in our culture lead from the one down. accommodating shame position and have covert grandiosity, whereas men lead from the one-up superior position and have covert shame.

Often. You know, two out of three. Look, here's maybe more nuanced. And this, too, is broad generality, so take it with a grain of salt. But women in our culture— It's changing with feminism, but traditionally, women in our culture lead from the one down. accommodating shame position and have covert grandiosity, whereas men lead from the one-up superior position and have covert shame.

And with women, they're depressed, they're depressed. With men, they're depressed. No, they're not. They're drinking. They stuff it down, yeah. Yeah. And you don't see the pain anymore. you see the flight in the medication or grandiosity that avoids the pain.

And with women, they're depressed, they're depressed. With men, they're depressed. No, they're not. They're drinking. They stuff it down, yeah. Yeah. And you don't see the pain anymore. you see the flight in the medication or grandiosity that avoids the pain.

And so many of the difficulties we think of as quote-unquote typically male, substance abuse, rage, affairs, I'm not saying all of them are fueled by depression, but many of them are. And underneath the depression is trauma. And the way we traditionally, quote, unquote, turn boys into men is we teach them to disconnect.

And so many of the difficulties we think of as quote-unquote typically male, substance abuse, rage, affairs, I'm not saying all of them are fueled by depression, but many of them are. And underneath the depression is trauma. And the way we traditionally, quote, unquote, turn boys into men is we teach them to disconnect.

Disconnect from vulnerability, disconnect from their feelings, disconnect from others.

Disconnect from vulnerability, disconnect from their feelings, disconnect from others.

Yeah, we call that learning to be independent. And the consequence of a disconnected boy is a disconnected man. We're not invulnerable. We're human.

Yeah, we call that learning to be independent. And the consequence of a disconnected boy is a disconnected man. We're not invulnerable. We're human.

I tell the guys I work with, pretending to escape your own vulnerability is like trying to outrun your rectum. Oh, no.

I tell the guys I work with, pretending to escape your own vulnerability is like trying to outrun your rectum. Oh, no.