Thais Gibson

And so instead, love was earned.

You know, for example, if somebody had an alcoholic parent, love is earned by maybe taking care of mom when she's passed out and tucking her into bed and then she's sweet to you.

Or if you had a

Or if you grew up with parents who constantly fight like cats and dogs and put you in the middle, love is earned by checking on mom and then checking on dad and making sure they're all okay and trying to break up the fight as a child.

And so there's these types of things where it's like you get love and attention when you overachieve, overdeliver, overperform.

And so there's a loneliness to that, that this belief that love is earned and you have to behave a certain way to obtain it.

And so you get this, you know, the anxious side where you feel anxious in relationships and you're afraid of abandonment, but then you get the kind of just pure fearful, avoid the fears of betrayal and unworthiness.

And then the other wounds are a big fear of being trapped, helpless, or powerless.

So if your loved ones feel confined, if they feel like somebody is trying to control them.

Yeah.

They're like, yeah, I'm going to push you away so fast.

I'm going to cut and run.

So fearful avoidance as adults, they're hot and cold.

They're the push-pull partner.

They usually notice their anxious side more.

A lot of FAs think that they're anxious at first.

Exactly.

And so it's like they fear losing you, but then, and I joke that fearful avoidants are kind of like, come get close to me.

They really want depth and novelty and intensity.

They're very, they don't, they're not surface people at all.