Thais Gibson

It's usually both are not really attuned and they're much more uninvolved.

And because children are literally wired for attunement, they are wired for connection, we need as children to feel safe and to feel seen and to feel special.

Children come into this environment and they're like...

Okay, well, I guess this part of me that needs this is defective and wrong.

And so what they end up doing to adapt to an environment like that is repressing their attachment needs and minimizing their need for emotional connection.

And so they feel better and like they have a sense of control when they're able to do that.

But then as adults, that really causes destruction to their relationships because they've learned, okay, this part of me, my emotional vulnerable self is defective or shameful.

If I express it too much, I'll be weak.

These are their big triggers.

They end up feeling very afraid of relying on other people and being helpless or trapped in a situation or engulfed.

And they very much internalize a lot of shame from childhood because as a child, if you yearn for connection and it keeps getting rejected and nobody's paying attention, well then, of course, as an adult, you're like, oh, deep down, if people really see me, they're gonna reject me like that too and I must be shameful.

Like something deep down must be defective or broken within me.

And so it's so interesting because they're very stoic.

Dismissal wins are very stoic.

You often don't see it, but that tends to be what they bring into their relationships.

Those are their biggest core triggers and fears from this like new attachment theory perspective.

And so then we have these adults who go into their relationships and they're the types of individuals as adults who are like, oh, they're great at the beginning when everything's easy and light.

And then after you date them for four or five, six months, when things get a little more real and serious, they jet or they pull away or they retreat.

And then they end up in situations where, you know, even if they make it through that period of time and keep dating somebody and keep investing, they really retreat emotionally and they shut down.

And so then you have these individuals as adults who are like, OK, you know, I feel like I'm trying to connect with you and my partner's not really available or present.