Vanessa Marin

You're trying to get some plausible deniability to make it sting less when you get a no.

But of course, it's an annoying initiation.

And so you're more likely, ironically, to get a no from her.

But as women, a lot of us will, yeah, we'll get annoyed and just leave me alone, go away some other time.

And we don't recognize in that moment

That what our partner is really doing, even if he's doing it really immaturely, really unskillfully, what he's actually asking in that moment is, I want to feel close to you right now.

Will you connect with me right now?

And that's something that I tell women all the time.

Imagine in that moment that that's actually what he's saying to you.

You wouldn't respond with, leave me alone.

Get out of here.

If you actually recognize that that's what he's saying, I want to feel close to you right now.

So first of all, I think everyone needs to initiate.

I think it's really important for both partners in the relationship.

And it's not about sex drive.

I don't care who has the higher drive or the lower drive.

I think both partners need to be willing to be that vulnerable and initiate with each other.

It's not fair for it just to be put solely on one person's shoulders.

So that's a big part of it.

But one of the things that we go over in sex talks is a model that Xander and I came up with called the initiation styles.