Vanessa Marin

We ask, do you want to have sex?

That's a spontaneous initiation.

So if you ask somebody with responsive desire, do you want to have sex right now?

99 times out of 100, their answer is going to be no because they haven't had any sort of physical stimulation yet.

They're not going to be a yes until they have some physical stimulation.

So, and it's usually the case that one partner is spontaneous and the other partner is responsive.

So this is yet another way that we're missing each other and thinking like, why do we never want to have sex at the same time?

So you're gonna likely have different types.

So we need to think about initiating in slightly different ways.

So going back to how I was telling you that Xander and I have started like separating initiation from the actual sex, that's something that can help.

So maybe what you're initiating earlier in the day, so it gives your partner some time to like get into their body.

Maybe you agree, like, what we do is we have massages for a couple of minutes beforehand, and then we decide, do we want to do more or do we not want to do more?

Or we make out for a while, and then we decide.

But you have to have some sort of physical stimulation first.

Otherwise, the person with responsive desire is always going to be, no, I don't want to have sex right now.

Nothing's happening.

Why would I want it?

Pleasure is the fourth conversation.

Yeah, what do we need to feel good, to have a good time, to avoid the mushy broccoli problem?

So in that chapter, that's where I talk all about the clitoris and that comparison of intercourse for a woman being like playing with a man's balls.