Adam Carolla Show
Greg Fitzsimmons talks Big Hogs, Quitting Sobriety, and Conjugal Visits
15 Dec 2025
Chapter 1: What are Greg Fitzsimmons' upcoming live show dates?
Well, in this episode, very funny Greg Fitzsimmons and very funny Rudy Povich join me in the studio for a lot of laughs right after this. It's time to celebrate Christmas with the Ace Man. Thursday, December 18th at the Sagebrush Cantino. Join Adam Carolla and the crew. Plus special guest Brad Williams.
It's wonderful and, oh, breaking news.
Plus an ugly sweater contest with your chance to win lunch with Adam and the staff. A special Adam Carolla show Christmas at the Sagebrush Cantina on December 18th. Join us for the brightest season of the year. Get your tickets now at adamcarolla.com. Hey, this is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla Show.
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This episode of the Adam Carolla Show is brought to you by SimpliSafe. From Carolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guests today, Greg Fitzsimmons and Rudy Povich. And now... That's not coal on his stockings. It's ashes from walking around Malibu and the Palisades. Adam Carolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on. The church will get on your mandate.
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Chapter 2: How does Greg Fitzsimmons feel about sobriety?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was impressive. It still is. Yeah, it's still impressive. And I dated a girl and we broke up because it was too uncomfortable for her. Really? Yep. Wow. Yeah, and she was a whore.
You know what I don't like about the Magnum packaging, though? It's like gold. It's like in steel. Like Magnum. Where it's just like regular old Trojans, like the kind I wear. They're just like, eh, made for dainty men like yourself. All in purple and sort of like fantastic colors.
Instead of the lube, they should put a muscle relaxer liquid on the outside of the condom for her. For her pleasure.
Ribbed.
Ribbed.
We've come a long way from ribbed for her pleasure, right? Yeah, yeah. And also ribbed. What if she got really...
hooked up with the ribbed like like she couldn't she got used to the ribbed for her pleasure and then you were out of town she'd have to use one of those hollowed out wooden fishes that they dragged the pencil across what is that instrument what was the hollowed out type thing yeah what is it called in mexico it's mexican right it's like a hollow it's an instrument
It's basically what, like, it's the Mexican version of the triangle. Like when you go, hey, Yoko Ono, you don't play any instruments, do you? No, but you do insist on being on stage, right? Oh, definitely. All right, here's a thing.
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Chapter 3: What humorous insights does Greg share about relationships?
You're the minority in this situation.
Ironically, I'm the minority. There's a lot of dudes.
Because you're a little bit taller than me. Maybe, what, 5'9"? 5'8".
Okay. 150. Yeah. And it runs in the family, apparently. Mom side? No. I know my brother does.
Oh.
Women I've talked to that he dated have commented pretty forcefully about. Emphatically?
Very emphatically. They stopped you on the street?
But you know who is very well hung? I went to Skank Fest this year, which is this comedy festival that they have in New Orleans.
Hold on. Little unfinished business. Yeah. Just so we don't get too far away. Rodney Peet, 15 years, 16 years in the NFL.
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Chapter 4: How does Greg describe the experience of watching P. Diddy's documentary?
Like, it's really good. And I don't want to sit here and watch a football game eating ribs without you. Like, I want you to have one in your hand as well. And that's the way I feel about booze. Now, if you told me it costs you two marriages and two jobs and three DUIs, and when you're on your 50th birthday, there's an intervention, then I go, no more barbecue. Right.
for you but if you dropped it real early i go yeah i bet you could do that then rudy starts farting up the party yeah that's right maybe you need to take another break you know he's fighting a cop with a rib in his hand he drew brisket his old lady started beating the shit out of her he's got a rib up his ass lubed up his hog with sauce and raped a school-aged girl in the bathroom at the park
Wow, this guy really likes barbecue.
I had no idea. Oh, he's out of control. He walked in the Home Depot parking lot and threw baked beans at a woman. Yeah, I don't know how long we can go on with the metaphor, but the point is, you see, that's the way I feel about you and booze. Like, you'd be a great guy to have a couple of beers with, and you got out of the game so early. I was 24. Oh, you were 24?
I thought you were, like, 19 or something.
Yeah, I was 24, but I started when I was, like, 12. Bobcat was, like... Bobby Kelly, you know Bobby Kelly? He also quit when he was a teenager.
Bobcat was, like, 17 or something, and I'm like... Listen, whatever works, no shade. I don't know.
I don't know that you can... I think the key is for a sober person is to bounce it off the ace man. I think your input is probably more important than their sponsor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, for sure.
Like, Jay Moore, all day long, no drinking.
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Chapter 5: What are the comedic perspectives on parenting discussed?
You're dealing with cocaine, and they're pretty young because they get it at 23, and they start spinning out at 25. Now you got them all vulnerable and skinny. They're just the right amount of damage. They're just damaged. They've done a few things they're not proud of, and you're there just to pick up the pieces.
The door is ajar.
That's right. All right, let me ask you guys this. I have a theory, and I'm curious about it. I was watching a tape of the Mangione supporters, like, lined out in front of the courthouse or the hall where he's being taken. Like, they're all... He has groupies that follow him around from court to court and all that kind of stuff. It's like it's a fair number of women, right?
And then you kind of go, well... Is this a, well, I'll show you the tape. It's women. Women, people understand there's a permanent record called the internet, and you're going to be on it for the rest of your life. And there's going to be shit that you're not exactly proud of that's going to haunt you in a few years. But we'll play the tape. Here we go.
It's a bunch of women who are – it's a wagon train of young, nubile women following him into the court to hear whatever's going on with the guy who shot the guy and executed the guy in the back. Okay. So be it. Oh, wait. One dude?
It must be his lawyer. Yeah. He's got a mustache. Of course it is.
Or it's a smart move because it's the dude trying to get laid. Oh, it's like the CA meeting.
Yeah. The CA meeting dude. Right.
He doesn't have a problem, but he has a problem getting laid. All right. So then I started thinking about it. And I was like, well, the guy's good looking. But then you kind of realize you've been with enough. You've seen enough people. tall, statuesque blondes with short, stubby guys where you go, Jesus, what is that super hot chick doing with that troll? And you go, he makes her laugh.
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Chapter 6: How does Greg compare his childhood experiences to his daughter's?
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It's not even my book. You got a new book out, by the way?
No, not yet. I'm thinking about a divorce-based book because I got a lot to talk about. So I'm thinking about something like that. But I'm not – I don't know. For me, I go like two years, three years, write a book, two years, three years, write a book. Yeah. Unless – there's a situation where, you know, when it came out, my first book and 50 years, we'll all be chicks.
It was really successful. So then the publisher is just on you, you know, like what, what's the next book, you know? And then the next book was really successful. So they get back on you again, you know, what, what, what's the next book. So they, you'll, you'll shit out like three or four books in a short period of time because they come up with a, an advance. And so no one,
Well, I don't say no one, but I would never say no to an advance. They come to you and they go, we'll give you $500,000 or something. And you go, okay. And then they go, but you got to write the book now. And you go, okay. And they just give it to you in advance. And then, as you know, they have all the markers along the way. You got to have the...
First draft in by this day, you need the finish draft by that day, you need the cover, whatever it is. And then you're sort of obliged to keep up with their schedule. And then also, I mean, it's kind of in a weird way. If you think about it, book publishers are sort of the ultimate psychologists and studiers of human behavior. Because they're like, who do we need to write these books?
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Chapter 7: What are the challenges faced by comedians in the industry?
I go, that's a plane. No, it's not. It's a goose. You've never heard of the fucking spruce goose? I don't know what you're talking about. Nobody knows. Everyone knows what the spruce... We got like 10 minutes in and I was like... I was like, it was 10 minutes into writing. We wrote like 11 words. And I was supposed to turn in 100,000 words.
And I was like, I thought I was just going to pontificate and you were just going to stenographize. We argued so much in the first 20 minutes that I was like, oh, this is never. We didn't get through one page. And we're already arguing. So then I just called up Mike Lynch. And I was like, Mike, you can type, right? And you're funny. And he's like, yeah. I'm like, you want some money?
He's like, yeah. I'll give you some money. You type. And then I just...
just put him in that chair yeah that's it yeah that's amazing that's how you have you have to do it that way i got one friend who had that same thing about i'm gonna write a book because his dad won a medal of honor and he's like i'm writing a book about the old man and then about four months later i ran into him i go hey how's the book coming he's like i got about six pages in and said fuck this i'm out he's like i'm just done it's too much
When I wrote my book, I hired somebody not to dictate, but kind of a big guy, muscular guy. And he'd sit in my office and he would hold on to my right wrist. He'd sit on the ground. No, no. So I couldn't jerk off. So I wrote my entire book with my left hand. Wow. Yes, he would come in in the morning, he'd get the tissues and the lotions and he'd throw them all out of the office.
Wow.
And then he would, you know, pine tar that the baseball players use? Yeah, yeah, sure. He would get that and he'd get it around my right wrist. And then he sat like Indian style, but with his back to me. And he got the arm over his shoulder because there was a struggle.
Yeah, Jack Valet. Yeah. Jack Valet. Every celebrated author has had to hire a Jack Valet.
Also played third base for the Indians in 74. Jack Valet. That's right. Did he swing the weighted bat just to make your dick feel a little bit less? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do that.
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Chapter 8: What reflections does Greg offer on success and personal growth?
Similar words in the Oxford Dictionary. The date on which an event took place in a previous year. Similar. Jubilee. Jubilee.
Let's not use that one for 9-11.
9-11, Jubilee. What word is that?
Definitely not for the Holocaust. You don't want to use Jubilee. Commemoration. Right. It all feels positive.
Yeah. Is the problem.
Right.
Yeah. You know who was... Gotta think of his name. Harry Connick Jr. was born on 9-11.
Okay. 2001. No.
His birthday's just on 9-11. And I was just... Literally, I was driving into work one night and I just was listening to Jazz Station and it was 9-11, but they didn't say anything. They went, oh, and a happy birthday to Harry Connick Jr., born today, you know, 41 years ago or whatever. And I was like, oh, he's born on 9-11. And then I realized...
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