Fiona Brennan is back to answer listener dilemmas
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What is the listener dilemma about a child who is bullying others?
Alive and kicking. With Claire McKenna on News Talk. You're welcome back to Alive and Kicking. Now it's time for our therapy from the couch series, but we pull Fiona Brennan from her couch and into studio. Fiona, you're very welcome back. Thank you, Claire. We're always looking for listener dilemmas. People are going through all kinds of things in life, and this is your chance to get some advice from Fiona. So if there's anything going on, That you would like advice and help on, you can email alive and kicking at news talk.com. We keep it all anonymous. Um, and I think Stories are universal, so what helps one people will indeed help many, as will today's question, I have to say, Fiona. It's a really good one.
So I'm gonna read it first and then you can give your advice. Hi Claire and Fiona. I want to remain anonymous here, but I want to ask you about something that's rarely talked about when we discuss bullying. We often focus on the victim, and rightly so, but what do you do when your child is the one doing the bullying? This has happened to my 11-year-old daughter. She was involved in isolating another girl from the group at school, and even though we had lots of conversations about changing friendships, it seems it went further and she was very unkind. There have been consequences in school and at home. But my worry is the answer she gave when we asked why it had happened. She said she has low self-esteem and she would sooner be the bully than the bullied, which has happened to her previously.
I'm struggling to know how best to support her, but also to make peace with what's gone on, would really appreciate your advice.
How does Fiona explain the link between low self‑esteem and bullying behavior?
Brilliant question. I it sounds a bit strange, but I was very happy when I saw this come in. Reason being it's a topic that doesn't get covered enough. And really needs our attention. And the first thing that came to mind is actually a time in my own personal story where I was with some friends. This is maybe God, it could even be five years ago, but we were meeting up Good old friends and one of the lovely girls shared that her daughter very similar situation. was being bullied in this way. She'd been left out, isolated. And of course we're all there. Like she was very upset. It's it's really hard as a mother to see your child in that situation. So we all offered our, you know, heartfelt uh empathy and, you know, let her, you know, cry about it and we're there as a group to support her.
And then I said something and it wasn't so popular. And what I said was You know The girl who is doing this, or the the group of girls who are doing this, and similar kind of age, you know, this type this age where there's a lot of You know, uh competition within uh the fem female groups, a lot of division, a lot of uh trying to survive in in that group. And I said, Well, I would have compassion, I said, for the girl who's doing it. Oh my God, Claire, I swear. Now, this is in not in a professional setting, it was with amongst friends. So they were like, Oh, Fiona, for God's sake, what's wrong with you and your bloody compassion? Will you stop? Because when we hear of somebody um being bullied, we immediately, and it's very human nature, I can understand where this is coming from.
Why does Fiona suggest showing compassion to the child who is bullying?
We immediately go into, oh, you know, everyone say, I'll go, I'd go and get her and I'd, you know, I'd shake her mother or I'd tell her to st you know, and there's a it brings up this understandable protection and almost a rage towards the girl who who is inflicting the the the hurt and the bullying on the other. But I stead I I stayed strong to my opinion, which I always do, because again, it's not one that is easily uh communicated. Because what we've got to be clear on here is that We want to understand the behavior to have empathy for the person who is bullying. as much as the person who is being bullied, because quite often they're coming from the same place. And that's why this question is so intelligent and so emotionally insightful.
Because we see from the mother and from the child this awareness that there is a low self esteem.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the listener dilemma about a child who is bullying others?
0:01–1:36
2
How does Fiona explain the link between low self‑esteem and bullying behavior?
1:36–3:20
3
Why does Fiona suggest showing compassion to the child who is bullying?
3:20–5:57
4
What practical steps can parents take to support a child who bullies and feels shame?
5:57–7:39
5
How can families create a safe space for a child to rebuild confidence?
7:39–9:12
6
What role does internal validation play in preventing future bullying?
9:12–10:47
7
Where can listeners find Fiona’s “Light Up Your World” course for parents?
10:47–13:01
8
What final advice does Fiona give to parents navigating peer‑group dynamics?
13:01–14:18