Mariska Hargitay Knows Loss And Longing
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What early experiences shaped Mariska Hargitay's understanding of loss?
I started this podcast four years ago, going through old boxes of things my mom and dad and brother left behind when they died. They're still in my basement. It's been a while since I've tried to sort through them. But like many of you, the pain of the past is never far away.
When I was six years old, I lost my mother.
Many of you have left voicemails from long-ago losses that still echo in your lives today.
My baby brother died at birth. The griefs affected me. 53 years ago, my four-and-a-half-year-old brother Scott died.
I've been living with grief for over 40 years. My dad died about 24 years ago, and I have never really left it. My brother's death keeps surfacing in my thoughts. But underneath, there's pain that never really goes away.
As Ken Burns said on an earlier podcast, the half-life of grief is endless. Mariska Hargitay knows that very well.
Jane Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay have just left this American Airlines plane. A huge crowd has gathered.
How did Mariska Hargitay cope with the grief of losing her mother?
Mariska's mom, actress Jane Mansfield, died when she was three. She was raised by her father, Hungarian actor and bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay.
Today, she was signed to a long-term movie contract by 20th Century Fox. At the moment, she is also the most photographed woman in show business.
Jane Mansfield was killed in a car crash in 1967. Mariska was in the car with her. In her 20s, she discovered Mickey Hargitay was not her biological father. An Italian singer, Nelson Sardelli, was. After decades spent coming to terms with her past and wanting to learn more about the mother she doesn't remember, Mariska has made a remarkable documentary called My Mom Jane.
I think that's where I start now, is looking that here is our mother, this little girl whose father died when she was three years old, and she was in the car with him. We start there with Jane. We start there with loss. And I go, I know that one.
Did you feel that early on, this sense of loss and longing?
I think my whole life. As a child, I did always feel separate. And, of course, I didn't know about why I felt so separate, but I just knew that I was like on this island by myself my whole life. I feel like I've had a hole in my heart. Just something has always been wrong. Something has always been wrong. missing, something could never be filled, and there was always just this incredible sadness. When I look back at the photos of me, there was a lot of frozen smiles. And I remember I had a big personality and I was very happy, but when I got sad, I don't think my parents knew how to deal with it, so they would tell me to snap out of it and that I was like a black cloud. And that was really rough for me because I learned quickly that there wasn't room for my sadness.
And now I see it as it was too much for my dad. He had so much grief and so much pain and so much that he almost couldn't handle anymore. And so I learned very young to be the joy bringer, to be fun girl, to be just every room I walked into, light it up and make it better. And there came a big cost.
It's exhausting.
It's not only exhausting, but you betray yourself, and you sacrifice yourself, and you become a people pleaser, and you do everything for other people to keep them happy. And there's a lot of good things to it, too. But it's been a very beautiful journey of integration and unencumbering. My nervous system is utterly and completely different. And I just have so much more internal space. for everything, for my family, for my children, for my creativity, for my acting, for my directing. And I just have a piece that I never had before. Making this film was one of the most liberating things that I've ever done because people said, oh, it's so personal. I can't believe how vulnerable you are.
What revelations did Mariska have about her family history?
But our vulnerability is our greatest strength and our greatest connector. And so in telling the story, I don't feel vulnerable. I feel free, and I feel like there's an invisible strength. with everyone because we all have a story and you never know what somebody else carries. I was trying to reach out across that divide and say, who are you?
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What early experiences shaped Mariska Hargitay's understanding of loss?
0:01–1:05
2
How did Mariska Hargitay cope with the grief of losing her mother?
1:05–4:47
3
What revelations did Mariska have about her family history?
4:47–8:09
4
How did Mariska's documentary 'My Mom Jane' come to be?
8:09–29:20
5
What impact did Mariska's motorcycle accident have on her life?
29:20–34:56