Chapter 1: What led to the host's decision to drink after 96 days of sobriety?
i'm giggling like i didn't do something bad oopsie okay this episode is gonna be real deep so hold on to your britches i feel the title is correct i drank and i got a bag and i don't regret it because of what's transpired but we got to talk about it we got to get into a lot of things change of scenery i got to point out first if you're watching this on youtube hey france I'm in Vegas right now.
I'm at the Cosmopolitan. They've been taking real good care of me. They gave me this giant room. And this ain't even like the half of it. I posted like a whole room tour on TikTok if you want to see. But I flew here to get out of the ice storm that was coming to Dallas. Like there's three inches of ice and a bunch of snow, all this crap.
And the night before I came here is when I cracked and I drank. I was at like 96 days without anything. and the past like three weeks i've been having a lot of urges like a lot of urges to drink and do cocaine bad and i was fine for so long and then all of a sudden it like ramped up and i was getting these really bad urges for it and i was trying to work with the urges because like
Typically, when you have an urge for something, it's a sign that you need relief. I absolutely needed relief. There was a lot of things going on where I was just feeling very fucked over by God. I go through this cycle all the time. Everything's just been compounding recently. And I was wanting it. I was just like, I just want to take the edge off for a night and just chill.
And the thing that pushed me over to finally just say, fuck it, I'm doing it, is a lot of business things going on not good news for me with certain things my own personal shit and then i found out my dad is having like some health issues and it stressed me out and then i found out that my sister was in the hospital she's fine now but when i heard that news I was just like, fuck it.
Like tonight ain't the night. I'm not going to sleep. Fucked up in the head. So I didn't go to sleep. I went out with my friend and I drank. And the first shot when I took it, the relief that I felt. Oh my God. Like it was so nice. Like it was so nice. I felt like I was finally done being bent over and just like fucked by life. I was like, okay, now I got a little bit of lube.
Like I took the first shot and I was just like, Second shot, same thing. Third shot, I'm like, okay, I'm having fun. I'm having a nice time. Like, I feel like things are bearable. I felt like it was justified for me to drink. I finally felt like, okay, I have some kind of like upper hand. Not upper hand, but I felt like I could like...
maintain and like handle what was going on because it's like i just get to set my brain free for the night that's what it was it was like the relief i wanted i was after it i wanted it real fucking bad and i got it and then it transpired into getting a bag And I've been wanting it. So I was like, I've been working with the urges. I'm not getting much clarity.
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Chapter 2: How does the host describe the feeling of relief after drinking?
I'm just going to fucking go for it. Like the relief I'm after, just get it then, dickhead, is how I was kind of like acting toward myself. So I picked up a bag and...
i felt good being disconnected from myself for the night i didn't sleep all night me and my friends went shopping the next day and then that night when i went to sleep the come down was like not fun typically that's how it goes but i felt okay i didn't regret it at all i didn't regret I don't want to call it relapsing, but I don't, I don't regret it. I had like such a good time.
I got the relief. And then I went to sleep and I woke up and I had to pack and get ready and get on my flight to Vegas. So I get here and then the clarity starts cracking me. And it was that fucking time, that time. But after freaking out a little bit mentally, I wasn't really freaking out. I was just kind of like ping-ponging back and forth with myself.
It's like the anxiety, like the shame, the this, the that. It's just like, okay, I did it. I wanted it. I got it. I did it. And I felt bad that I didn't feel like I regretted it. That was weird. I don't give a damn. Like I didn't give a fuck. And I really just like acted on it. And then when I stood with myself and was like, yeah, I wanted the relief. I wanted relief from my logical mind.
That is where the clarity started clicking. So to want relief from my logical mind, let me know that my logical mind has been so out of alignment and so like... I've not been thinking right. My mind has not been a nice place to live for the past couple of weeks. I wasn't trusting my soul. I wasn't trusting God. I kind of like felt like I got robbed of that.
It's like when I trusted the most is like when I needed it the most and it didn't happen. And that's been like a constant thing in my life of like when I've needed shit the most, I've never gotten it. So I see what was going on. Wanting relief from my logical mind was wanting relief from not trusting God. myself, like my soul and God. And I felt like it was all up to me.
And that's something that I deal with a lot is like feeling like I'm the only person that will make things okay for me, feeling like I'm the only one looking after me in a lot of aspects. I'm like, I face a lot of things alone. Everything I have to go through and face, I have to face it alone. Yeah, I have people around me, but you get what I'm saying. Like y'all get what I mean when I say it's
It's just me at the end of the day. Like when I'm the one having to integrate and go through all this shit that I'm going through and then deal with business things and everything is like, I have to do it. It's always just me. So yeah, I have like support when I need it, but I can't ever escape that alone feeling of like holding up my world. That's exactly how it feels.
It's like I have to hold up my own world and I'm the only bastard up under there with my hands on it like trying to hold it up. And I feel like that when I'm not trusting my soul and I'm not trusting God. So I wasn't. And anybody would need relief from that feeling state eventually. You can't maintain that. And that's the thought process and the mindset that almost killed me a couple times.
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Chapter 3: What insights did the host gain about their relationship with cocaine?
I felt like I was like, okay, but it's like a fake false sense of trust because there's like when you do coke, there's like an urgency feeling and it's like there's an alertness and you feel like you're urgent and it's like everything's kind of in a hurry, but
when there's no progress or things are slow or things aren't working out when you feel any kind of sense of urgency if it's real or not any kind of like up feeling is like it's a fake productivity is what i'm starting to see about cocaine and that is what i need when i feel like i'm not trusting myself during a period where i need to fucking chill and relax i've come down sick as you could tell that's just how the cookie crumble at this point when i don't listen to my body it sits me down it makes me rest
So after this little bit of clarity started hitting about the cocaine, it built worse and it got much more stronger. So I felt like we're a little bit relieved because I saw why I was feeling how I was feeling. I saw why I wanted the relief. I wasn't caught up in, oh, I did it. Like, oh, I did drugs again. I drank again. Boo fucking hoo. I never had like a dead set like time to do it.
And I've had an experience with drugs. I've talked to you about it before. Where sometimes substances, I think, are the only reason I'm alive. Like, to be able to take some of the edge off at certain points in my life are the only reason that I'm still here. If I didn't have something to turn to at some of my lowest moments, I wouldn't have been able to make it through. You know?
So, I don't demonize anything. drugs and I don't look at addiction like everybody else. I don't like to speak that whole thing over yourself of like, oh, I'm an addict. I don't like that shit. It's like speaking your power away. So I want a relief. I got it. And something I've been questioning recently is like, what is my purpose for being here?
I've lost sight of a lot of things about myself, and I was starting to question, like, what the fuck am I here for? Like, at this point, I don't get the purpose of my life. I don't understand why I'm here. Yeah, I can, like, logically try and slap any kind of, like, external proof on it, but I've been questioning, like, why the fuck am I here, you know? And that thought came in my head.
I heard, like, a very reassuring... I feel like it was my higher self or, like, my soul talking to me, but it was very clearly talking to me. But I thought... Why am I here? And immediately something said, God knows.
and it made me feel relief a little bit because i don't have to figure everything the out you know then i had this weird like feeling of like of like a not a veil like a veil being lifted over my head and me seeing and like hearing look how blessed you are i kind of had to toy with the idea that i am very blessed I've never felt blessed. I don't look at myself as blessed or lucky.
I have never felt blessed in my life. I feel like with me feeling like I'm the only one holding the world up, it's like, yeah, a lot of things happen by
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Chapter 4: How does the host explain their feelings of mistrust and loneliness?
And how like I felt when I just did it again. I see it for what it is so clearly. And I saw how I got to that point. I saw what that drug is for me. I see how false and fake it is because it's a way of dealing with stress that is not mine. And now that I've seen I am more held than I thought and someone is actually holding my world up with me. I can't unsee that.
It's like, now that I've felt it and seen it, it's like, I gotta see it to believe it type shit, okay? Like, you can't just tell myself to think I'm gonna fucking believe it. No. I would not be here if I didn't have to learn by experiencing it. I don't trust a lot. Like, I have to experience it myself. I can't fathom how I did that for so long, and I can't fathom doing it again.
I promise to myself, I will never touch cocaine again in my life. And that was real fucking hard. And that is a big thing for me. And I fucking bawled my eyes out about it because I'm basically committing to letting go of this coping mechanism. It's like the one way I knew how to help myself. I'm
consciously choosing to get rid of it forever and there's a reason that i haven't committed to never again with any substance alcohol i'm gonna keep that bitch in case i need her again i don't feel the need to drink but if i want to celebrate and have fun okay i'll drink but cocaine is my disconnection drug and my isolation, feel fucked over by God drug.
So I finally felt confident enough to promise myself I'm never going to touch it again. And that's something I haven't done because once I give myself my word on something, I will not break it. I don't care what happens. I will never break my word to myself because That's terrifying as fuck. But I'm happy I'm at this point and I'm happy that I've given myself my word about coke.
I don't see any use for it anymore and I don't want it. Like after what just happened and the clarity I see, it's like... That's my drug that blocks me from seeing how blessed I am. And what I need right now is to see that I am blessed and I am favored and I do have support, even though it comes with all the fucking fear of it, of conditional love. And like, I like contracts.
And I grew up in a way where everything was kind of contractual and like obligation. It's like I do for you, you do for me. It's like silent contracts of like how to maintain love from somebody. When I don't understand why someone loves me, I don't like it. And the same thing applies when I don't feel like I know why I'm blessed. I am fucking shit scared.
I'm terrified because I don't know how to maintain that. I don't know how to keep that. And like with people who love me and care about me, it's like with my following on social media, I can't fathom. I'm going to be really honest. I can't fathom why you guys watch me. I can't fathom why you've not given up on me. I can't fathom like why you're still here. At all.
And I'm just being very honest about that. I don't know why people still watch me. I don't know why people still love me. And it's been something that's been itching at me to look at, but I can't look at that because I don't know why. And love that I get that I don't understand makes me fucking terrified, truly.
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Chapter 5: What realizations did the host have about unconditional love?
You're moving.
the insights flow and everything's in alignment and then it's like this shift will happen where i'll understand something and i'll have like a reality shattering awareness hit me where i have to stop and integrate it like i have to let it integrate into my nervous system and my body and my mind and my emotions and it's like a not a depression episode i know the difference between depressive episodes and integration periods
but i'm kind of seeing them different where i'd be running and moving and going and then it's like you have to stop and it's like i'm buffering it's like my whole system is buffering while i accept this new truth and it changes the way that i see everything so i can't just keep running and like hit this new awareness and then just keep running it's like whoa whoa whoa it's like so destabilizing with like a spiritual upgrade or like
a new piece of awareness that hits. You know what I'm talking about, where it's so destabilizing. You have to stop for a second and be like, whoa. It's not like dehumanization. It's not like you disassociate. It's just like you see things at a deeper level. And in those moments... I have them a lot and it's been happening like every week. And I started to think something was wrong with me.
I started to get really irritated with myself and I'm like, I can't have goals. I can't have things that I'm working toward and rigid schedules because when these hit, it changes my life in a good way. And it's what I talk about on the podcast. It's like, this is what fuels my life. And like, it's a deepening of my understanding of things. I can't have a life set up where
I'm rigid, I have routines, I have set schedules, I have set goals I'm working for, and it's just the same monotonous steps. My life has shown me it can't be that, but I feel like a fucking rabid animal that you have to shoot with a trink dart to get it to chill out when I feel boxed in by a schedule, when I feel boxed in by rigid rules with my life.
My life is very magical, but I have to not live with a stability or set goals or set action steps. I have certain things that I always do, but for the way that my life is going to pan out and like business things and shit like that, I can't.
boxed it in like most people because people want you to plug in like you're a fucking machine and do all these steps that execute these things to get the success as much as i've fought with it back and forth and i've finally just like accepted it i started to get irritated with it again and just be like can i not just get on a fucking like stability or like any kind of stable path forward it's like
I've talked about in previous episodes, it's like living life without a cage. It's like being out in the wild and there's a bunch of like killer animals around you, like lions and tigers and shit. And you're out in the wild snakes. And if you're out there just like with your naked body, you don't see any trees to take cover behind. You feel very exposed. You can get attacked at any second.
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Chapter 6: How does the host relate their experiences to feelings of being blessed?
I told you I was going to do it on March 7th and 8th. The new dates are March 28th and 29th. I had to change it for certainty with things being here in time. So I know a lot of y'all already like booked flights and that like gags the shit out of me.
Like, wait, y'all like really love me that bad to come. Oh, I'm so excited.
But I wanted to let everybody know, March 28th and 29th are the new dates for the pop-up store. I will be there. The sunglasses will drop. I have specific gold merch that is going to be there only at the pop-up. I paid for the venue and locked it down. So, if you need to make travel arrangements on accommodations fees, though... You're safe to do it.
Like I fully put down the money this time and everything's set. So those dates are not changing. So you're safe to book your travels if you're going to come. That was one more thing that just like sent me. And I was just like, motherfucker. But God started showing himself to me immediately.
after i started kind of like surrendering and once i promised i wasn't gonna do cocaine again it's like i started seeing a lot i was seeing a lot before that and then once i made that promise it's like god showed himself to me in a lot of ways immediately immediately with certain things that he handled because i was laying in my bed and i was just like you know what you gotta fucking deal with some of this shit 10 minutes later i checked my phone and two things were already dealt with
Without me having to do anything. So, yeah. But as of right now, I'm one week back without anything. No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. And I'm going to be forever without cocaine. That's done. Giving myself my word on that was terrifying. Because like once I say it, it's done. Like there's no break my word to myself. But that's it. My dad's coming in town.
He's coming to Vegas to hang out with me. I had to like invite him and show him this shit. Like they gave me this room. Let me show you this side too if you're watching this on YouTube. It goes that way too. There's a fire pit. You can kind of see it. There's a hot tub in the middle of the room. Insane. But I wanted him to come experience this with me. So... Yeah, that's all.
I'll be back in Dallas next week, but I'm going to talk to you regardless. So if I'm in a good mood, so be it. If I'm not, then so be it. But I love you all. Thanks for being here. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday. Hopefully not sick.
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