Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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This is not like a laughing matter, what I'm about to talk about. But like, I'm just like, huh? I've been feeling very worthless the past couple of weeks. Like, I said it in my last podcast episode. I was like, I can't fathom, and I mean it. I said, I can't fathom why...
you guys watch me and like why you guys care about me and have continued to watch me for like the past four years and even with other social media stuff like TikTok and Instagram, like I couldn't fathom why people still watched me. I don't even know why my videos do so well. And I meant that when I said it.
And the past few weeks, I've felt very, very worthless and like a scary way where I couldn't see anything about myself that I liked. It did get pretty dark for a minute a couple of days ago. Pull myself out of that fucking hole like I always do. But I had to go through it. Only way out was through.
So it got like to a scary point of feeling worthless where I was like heartbroken by how I couldn't see any value in myself at all. Genuinely. And for me to be saying that is kind of nuts to me. But... I don't know how to structure this episode or how to talk about it.
So I'm just going to talk about what I've been feeling, what's led me up to this point, and then like the awareness that cracked through. So with social media and online fame and all that and my podcast, there's been this thing about me where I get no residual carryover confidence. Like every time I do something, it wipes out in my brain. Like I could never...
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Chapter 2: What feelings of worthlessness does the host experience?
understand why i'm not able to be a cocky asshole why am i not allowed to look at my tiktok account that has 10.9 million followers and feel any kind of self-esteem like yeah i have all these followers people with 100,000 followers walk around in day-to-day life like they got the biggest dick in the world so like i
was always a little envious of like people who get confidence from such superficial bullshit. It kind of was irritating me. It was, it was. But like, even when I went on tour,
After it happened, I get no confidence from thinking about past achievements with being a nurse, getting my real estate license, going on tour, amassing the following that I have, having my podcast be what it is and be so successful for so long. So low. I never had a guest.
I don't feel any kind of it doesn't feed me like the external validation of like the numbers doesn't feed me and it never has. And I felt very broken emotionally. I felt like this for a while where it's like an empty cup, but like the bottom is broken. It's like, it doesn't matter how much external validation comes in. It just falls through. And it's been sad.
For me, someone asked me the other day, what is it like to be you? And I said, you'd never want to fucking know. Because I felt trapped in this personal hell of nothing I do can make me feel any kind of self-esteem for long. It's like every single day I wake up, everything resets in my mind. Like when I drop merch or when I am doing my pop-up, The dates are March 28th and 29th in Houston.
So just want to throw that in there. But even with that, when I drop merch or do the pop-up store or do anything like that, I feel no confidence that people will show up or that people will buy my merch. It doesn't matter how many followers I have. It doesn't matter how many people have bought things from me in the past. Every time I drop merch, it's like I'm starting from zero, right?
I have no confidence and no entitlement, really. People are going to buy it. And with the pop-up, I'm like... I have zero faith that people will show up. When I go outside in public, when I go to the gym, I get stopped at least 10 times during my workout by people coming up to me, recognizing me, saying hi, being happy, being sweet, appreciating me, asking to take a photo.
I always stop and make sure I take time with people that see me out in public. I fucking love you guys. But you'd think with as much external proof and reassurance that I have nonstop I could feel some kind of hope that when I do this pop-up, people will come. When I drop merch, people will want it. I don't have it.
And it's so destabilizing and it's so not fun because I don't have any stability with it. Like I genuinely don't. have any kind of what is the even the word i have no hope anytime i do anything i'm just kind of like i hope it goes well but i have no like positive expectation of it i'm just like literally just like an anxiety-ridden wreck of like hope it works every time i post a video
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Chapter 3: How does social media impact self-worth and confidence?
It's like proving my worth is... And I can't prove it. It doesn't matter how many times I've proven it past what I thought I could ever do. It still don't, the cup's got no bottom. It just go right through. I've been getting a new understanding of transactional love and like transactional dynamics with things. I'm very transactional. I like transactions.
If you tell me, okay, you can behave this way and you do these things and then you get this outcome, I'll take it. I have no problem with that. I like it. I can exceed any expectation or requirement of me. I've done it. I've had to earn love my entire fucking life. Well, I've felt like I've had to, I've tried it all.
And I've, I got to a point where like I was ready to bash my head into a wall and I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to do what I want to do. And then I've lost that.
without realizing it and where I talk about the transactional thing of like this is how like a friendship this is how you be a good friend and then you'll get good friends in return is how I always looked at it this is how to be a good brother this is how to be a good son this is how to be a good person on social media but This is how to be a good business owner.
Like the way that I handle customer service issues. You guys saw that. That was funny as fuck to me because I thought nobody really gave a damn and appreciated. Like I came so much out of pocket to rectify it for everybody because I care. And then I saw y'all on other people's asses, like other influencers who have had like issues with their products.
And you're like, we saw how Leo Skeppy handled it. So cough it up. That gagged me. I loved it. I finally saw that you guys like appreciated it. My whole thing with the transactional relationships and the only way I've known how to be is kind of transactional now that I've seen it. It feels uncomfortable to say it, but that's just what the fuck it is. Everything's been a transaction for me.
With that, I've felt fucked over by God. So many times and for so long. So I kind of see how that could happen because like you got to throw it at something bigger than people in life when it gets to a point of where you just wake up and feel betrayed. It's like a betrayal has just been a constant thing in my life. I'm feeling fucked over and feeling like I always get the short end of the stick.
I kind of like God showed me like a different route, which is unconditional love. That's something that scares the shit out of me. And I talked about it in the last episode where I said, feeling blessed is terrifying to me. Like to acknowledge that I'm blessed. is horrifying because if I'm blessed and I don't know why, I don't know how to maintain staying in God's favor.
I don't know how to not piss you off. I don't know how to continue earning your blessing. So it all kind of has just been like coming to a head in different little ways. But since just entertaining the idea of, of unconditional love and kind of like feeling it a little bit through the lens of how God does. I feel like he showed it to me for a second.
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Chapter 4: What does the host mean by 'transactional love'?
Oh, this is going to come out on Sunday. No, I'm going to post it. I'm recording this on Friday. I'm going to post it tomorrow on Saturday. Happy fucking Valentine, my baby. I'll make you, that's my gift to you because I love you so bad. I'll post this on Valentine's. Okay, that's all. I'm going to go to Houston and go take a couple of my girlfriends to dinner tomorrow for Valentine's Day.
But that's it. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself. And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday. For real this time. I know I skipped last week, but I'm going to be back next Sunday. Promise. I'm out of my funk. Okay? Thank you, promise.
Bye.